Monthly Archives: September 2010

Football

2010 AFC West Preview, by Taser Grandma

With the NFL season about to kickoff, Scratchbomb has asked a few luminaries to give us their takes on the upcoming football season. For our final installment, I’ve asked Taser Grandma, America’s oldest and most lovable taser salesperson, who you can follow on Twitter here.

tasergramma.jpgTHAT’S RIGHT, I’M TASER GRANDMA. GOT 16 WONDERFUL GRANDCHILDREN AND A WHOLE WAREHOUSE FULLA TASERS THAT I’M SELLIN AT LOW, LOW PRICES! SOME OLDSTERS GIVE THEIR GRANDKIDS BUTTERSCOTCH CANDIES. ME, I GIVES EM TASERS! THEY LOVE SHOCKIN EACH OTHER BY THE OL’ TIRE SWING!

AND I LOVES ME SOME FOOTBALL, TOO! ALMOST AS MUCH AS I LOVES TASERIN! THERE’S ONLY ONE THING MORE THRILLIN THAN WATCHING THE PIGSKIN WARRIORS BATTLE IT OUT ON THE GRIDIRON, AND THAT’S ZAPPIN A FULL GROWN MAN WITH THE SHOCKMEISTER 500, ON SALE DIRECT FROM ME, TASER GRANDMA! WATCHIN HIM CRUMPLE TO THE GROUND LIKE A SACK A CHARRED TATERS!

I’M HOPIN TO GET AN ENDORSEMENT DEAL WITH THE NFL. I SEEN WHAT THEM COPS DID TO THAT NOGOODNIK WHAT RAN ON THE FIELD IN PHILADELPHIA, AND I GOT ME AN IDEAR. WHY NOT EQUIP EVERY SEAT IN EVERY SPORTS STADIUM WITH A TASER? PURE ENNERTAINMENT! EVERYONE COULD GET UP FOR THE 7TH INNING TASE! NOTHIN MORE THRILLIN THAN WATCHIN A WHOLE ARENA DROP LIFELESS!

ROGER GOODELL WON’T RETURN MY CALLS! IF HE KNOWS WHAT’S GOOD FOR HIM, HE’LL PICK UP THAT PHONE. OR ELSE HE’LL PICK UP A COUPLE THOUSAND VOLTS!

WHO’M I PICKIN TO WIN THE AFC WEST THIS YEAR? THE CHARGERS OF COURSE! I LIKE THE CUT OF THAT BOLT MAN’S JIB! AND THAT SHAWN MERRIMAN SURE CAN HIT HARD! ALMOST AS HARD AS THE SHOCKMEISTER 500! THAT’S THE TRUTH! THE SHEER, BALL-RATTLING TRUTH!

HE DON’T HIT AS HARD AS THE ORIGINAL TASERS, THOUGH. WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL, TASERS WERE JUST A PAIR OF RUSTY PLIERS HOOKED UP TO A CAR BATTERY! YOU EITHER STOPPED YOUR ASSAILANT’S HEART OR GAVE HIM TETANUS!

I LIKES THE CHARGERS BUT I DON’T CARE FOR THAT PHILLIP RIVERS. SOMETHING ABOUT THAT FACE JUST DON’T SIT RIGHT WITH ME. I’D LIKE TO GIVE THAT BOY A SPANKIN–A TASER SPANKIN! IF YOU WANNA HUMBLE SOMEONE, JUST GIVE EM A DOSE OF VITAMIN T. NOTHIN’S MORE HUMBLIN THAN GETTIN YOUR PRIVATES-HAIR SINGED OFF!

BUT WHO I REALLY DON’T LIKE IS THEM RAIDERS FANS. DRESSIN UP LIKE IT’S HALLOWEEN EVERY GOL-DURN SUNDAY. THEY’RE GONNA THINK IT’S THE FOURTH OF JOO-LIE WHEN SENDS UP MY FIREWORKS–MY TASER FIREWORKS! Y’EVER TASE A RAIDERS FAN? IT’S GREAT! SPARKS ARCIN ALL OVER THE SPIKES ON THEIR SILVER SAMURAI PIRATE GET UPS!

SOME FOLKS THINK THE CHIEFS IMPROVED, BUT I THINKS THE ONLY THING THAT GOT BETTER WAS THE TARGET FOR MY TASER! THAT CHARLIE WEIS IS A BIG FELLA, AIN’T HE? MAYBE LIGHTNIN JUICE’LL GET THAT BLUBBER OFF YOU, FATTY!

AS FOR THE BRONCOS, THAT TIM TEBOW FELLER’S A BIT TOO HIGH AND MIGHTY IF YOU ASK ME. HE NEEDS TO BE TAKEN DOWN A PEG. AND THE BEST PEG-TAKIN-DOWN TOOL THERE IS? YOU GUESSED IT, A GOOD OL’ FASHIONED TASERIN.

AND IF MR. TEBOW’S IN THE MARKET, WE GOTS A FULL LINE OF RELIGIOUS-THEMED TASERS. THE SHEPHERD 316 IS A CROSS-SHAPED TASER WITH THE LORD’S PRAYER TASTEFULLY INSCRIBED ON THE OBVERSE SIDE, SO’S YOU CAN COMMUNE WITH THE MAN UPSTAIRS WHILST YOU SEND SOME NO GOOD PUNK TO HELL!

Baseball, The Funny

Get Metsmerized! with Tom Scharpling and Patton Oswalt

metsmerized.jpgAfter yesterday’s screed about the sorry state of the Mets and their desire to kill their idols, I thought some levity was in order. So please enjoy this clip from The Best Show on WFMU from August 18, 2009, in which host Tom Scharpling and famous comedienne Patton Oswalt listen to and riff on the only thing worse than the current Walter Reed ‘controversy’: “Get Metsmerized!”

“Get Metsmerized!” was the brainchild of George Foster, the Mets’ first big free agent signing (and first big free agent bust). Like many of his teammates, eve before the 1986 season began, he figured the team would have a great year. (Even as a Mets fan, I’d say Tom’s description of the ’86 Mets as “sociopaths who could hit baseballs” is pretty accurate.) So what better way to capitalize on a great year than a hastily produced rap song? The Chicago Bears had such a big hit with the “Super Bowl Shuffle” the year before, so surely this would be a big hit, too!

It was not, for the eight billion reasons you’ll hear in this clip. Hip-hop was still in its relative infancy, and in most people’s minds, rap was something that anyone could just do. “It’s just talkin over music! A kid could do that!” Foster and his chosen teammates (Darryl Strawberry, Doc Gooden, Lenny Dykstra, Rafael Santana, Howard Johnson, Kevin Mitchell, Rick Aguilera, and Tim Teufel (!)) proved this wrong once and for all.

As Patton points out, “They even yell off-key.” He also notes that roping poor Santana–who could barely speak English, let along rap–into this mess borders on “a hate crime,” and it’s hard to argue otherwise. Run DMC, this is not.

In an effort to make up for “Get Metsmerized,” later in the 1986 season, the entire team collaborated on a song/video (“Let’s Go Mets!”) that actually wound up being a local hit. While it is also cheesy and 80s-rific, it sounds like “Good Vibrations” compared to this atrocity.

Many, many thanks to @arfortiyef for supplying the clip you’re about to enjoy. You guys should probably follow him on the Twitter and read his site, too.

Football

2010 NFC West Preview, by Mike Francesa

With the NFL season about to kickoff, Scratchbomb has asked a few luminaries to give us their takes on the upcoming football season. Next up, WFAN drive-time personality Mike Francesa.

francesa.jpgUgh, I gotta do my ovah/undahs again? Jeez. Okay. Hey Bill, Frank, Tommy, whatevah my producah’s name is, how come you didn’t tell me soonah about the NFL season startin? That’s how we’re runnin things now, huh? Okay.

/drums fingers for 30 seconds

Alright, let’s look at the NFC West. You sure I gotta do the NFC West? I couldn’t do the AFC East? I wanted to tweak the Jets and Rex Ryan some more. Okay, fine, whatevah.

Boy, dis is a rough division. Not a lotta contendahs in dis one. Don’t think a Supah Bowl champ is gonna come outta this division. If you ask me, these are four teams that aren’t very good at football, if you get what I’m sayin. Where to begin?

/exhales loudly for four minutes

I guess by default you gotta pick the 49ers. A good team. Not a great team, but a good team. Can’t trust Alex Smith, but they’re the best of a bad field.

Not in love with Arizona. Not anymore. Not a lot to love with this team. They had Kurt Warner, he’s gone. Leinart, goodbye. What a losah. What a uttah disgrace. Not the same team that went to the Supah Bowl. Lotta changes. Lotta turnovah. Lotta people used to be here who aren’t here now, and vice versa, and also the opposite.

/reads aloud from Daily News for 15 minutes

Seahawks, oh brothah. There’s anothah team with nothin. You got Pete Carroll and the whole USC mess followin him up there. You got Matt Hasselbeck, he’s a disastah. And you got, what else? I don’t even know. I guess I could look up the rostah, or have my intern read it to me, but I’m too busy tryin to keep that kid from eating my egg roll.

And the Rams? Good Lawd, they are terrible. Awful. Awwwful. Horrible. Almost as bad as the Mets, who I will now abuse for 20 straight minutes apropos of nothing. You know who this team could use? Brandon Inge. Or maybe Bronson Arroyo. Very undahrated playahs. I like them both. I like them both a lot. A huge amount. A metric ton of like.

Alright, let’s go to the phones. We got Tony in Bayside.

Thanks for taking my call, Mike. I gotta say, the 5 hours you’re on the air every week are the happiest minutes of my life.

Go on.

You were wondering about the Seahwaks, and while I agree they’re not gonna be good this year, they did add Leon Washington, who might be…

Where’d you get that from, the innernets?

I looked it up on the Seahawks’ Web site. It’s just that, you couldn’t think of any players Seattle acquired, and I wanted to help. Please don’t hang up on me, Mike. I’ll die without you!

How dare you give me information from a reputable sawce?! Get outta my sight?

/handwave

Alright, coming up we got Phil Simms in studio. I’ll ask him questions about the NFL playoff picture and answer them before he has a chance to speak.