Monthly Archives: September 2010

Baseball

Scientists Warn of Steinbrenner Monument’s Effects on the Earth’s Orbit

steinmonument.jpgNEW YORK–Scientists cautioned that the new monument dedicated to George Steinbrenner, unveiled at Yankee Stadium Monday night, may have negative effects on several of the Earth’s astronomical functions. Despite warnings from the scientific community at large, the UN, and several prominent clergymen, construction of the monument–which used 92 percent of the earth’s available deposits of granite–continued unabated for the past year.

“It will definitely influence the earth’s gravitational pull,” said Dr. Henrik Lundegaard, professor of geophysics at Princeton University. “It will probably also have some consequences for the planet’s revolution around the sun.” Lundegaard estimated that, due the monument’s colossal size, “the calendar year will probably lengthen a full day by the year 2031, and exponentially more each year thereafter, which will have untold consequences for life as we know it.”

The Yankees were unfazed by such revelations. “I think it’s a fitting tribute to The Boss,” said shortstop Derek Jeter. “All he wanted to do was win, and what bigger victory is there than beating the tilt of the Earth’s axis?”

“We all loved Mr. Steinbrenner,” said pitcher Andy Pettite, “and I think it’s only appropriate that his monument should have its own climate.” This separate ecosystem, reportedly a temperate zone, may explain the appearance of several tornadoes on the Grand Concourse within the last week.

A spokesman for the Yankees confirmed that the team will unveil a monument to the Steinbrenner monument during the 2012 season. “It will take that long for us to locate and mold an appropriate amount of adamantium,” the spokesman said.

Football, Media Morons

Mike Francesa Can’t Say Anything About the Jets

francesa.jpgAlright, NFL week two is almost in the books, and I gotta man up here. I gave Rex Ryan and his team a lotta grief last week when they came up small against the Ravens. I was rough on him with my words. I did not treat him kindly with my mouth.

I called Rex classless. I said he was a joke. I said Mawk Sanchez was not an NFL quawtaback. I said some terrible things about Darelle Revis, and LaDainian Tomlinson, and Curtis Martin, just to be safe.

But let’s face it, the Jets had a big game yesterday against the Pats. A hu-yuge game. An enawmous contest. A gargantuan other-word-for-game. A game that they really had to win, if you wanna be honest. But they did, and I gotta give ’em credit.

They shut me up. After trashin em all last week, I cannot say one thing about the Jets, because I was wrong about em. They did their job and then some, and also more. So I can’t talk at all about the Jets. They are a team that I can not uttah a single word about. I gotta just shut my mouth about the Jets. You will not hear anothah syllable from me in regards to the Jets. If there are sounds coming out of my windpipe that resemble the patterns of speech normally associated with language, you can guarantee they will not be about the Jets, for that is a team that I can say nothin about.

Alright, let’s go to the phones. Paulie is callin from Ho-Ho-Kus. Paulie, what’s going on?

Hey Mike, hu-yuge Giants fan here, but I gotta agree, you can’t say nothin about the Jets after Sunday.

You can’t. You just can’t. Listen, the Jets shut me up. I’m done talkin about the Jets.

I was sayin a lotta the same things you was sayin about em…

I’m sure you were. We all were sayin things. You know the things we were sayin. I can’t say em no more, but you know what I was sayin.

Exactly. But now, I gotta just keep my mouth shut about the Jets.

You will not hear a peep outta me about the Jets this week. Not one. Of course, if they stink up the joint in Miami next weekend, I’ll be screamin at em again. But I can’t talk about that, because it hasn’t happened yet. For now, I will not say anything about the Jets. Don’t ask me to talk about the Jets. I’m done!

On last question, Mike. I got this buddy at work, huge Jets fan. He’s been givin me crap all day about how the Giants did against the Colts. Can I beat him savagely with a tire iron?

You not only can, you must. Alright, we got a go to a break, but when we come back, I’ll have Jon Heyman on, and he’ll tell me stuff that other writers tweeted three hours ago. Stay tuned for that.

Politics Schmolitics

Promoting Political Involvement through Cheese

On a daily basis, my email inbox is polluted by messages whose presence baffles me. For instance, I receive an email from CMJ every single day. That is not hyperbole–every single day. Not only have I never purchased a copy of CMJ, but I’ve never attended any show as part of the CMJ Fest, or even put the letters C, M, and J together until today. I haven’t the slightest idea how I wound up on their mailing list, but I am definitely on it, because not a day goes by that I don’t get some missive about how I only have three days/two weeks/four hours to register for some event of theirs. I don’t bother to write back and say REMOVE because by this point, I find it more amusing than annoying.

Similarly, I get at least one email a day from a Democratic politician or pundit. The origin of this is less mysterious: I went to some Kerry meet-ups way back in the heady days of 2004 and made the mistake of giving my email address at one of them. So for the rest of my life, I will check my email first thing in the morning and see at least one message from James Carville or J.B. Poersch.

They’re the kind of emails you can see in your inbox from across the room, because the subject line is usually in all caps and consists of one angry word like OUTRAGE! Normally, they go straight in the trash unread. After years of receiving these screeds, I suffer from Outrage Fatigue. I contribute enough time and money to Important Things that I don’t feel bad ignoring these appeals.

Then yesterday, I received an email from Chuck Schumer, New York’s senior senator. He is a frequent OUTRAGE!er, and his emails usually wind up in my recycle bin. But the subject line of this one caught my eye.

cheddarbomb.pngKudos to you, Senator Schumer. An email with the subject CHEDDARBOMB is an email I will read.*

You see that, political fundraisers? Put a food and a percussive verb together that normally have zero relationship with one another, and you’ve hooked me. Here are some humble suggestions for future subject lines:

  • PUDDINGSLAM!
  • SALMONCRUSH!
  • SANDWICHBRUISE!
  • CUTLETSTOMP!
  • ZITIPUNCH!

* In case you’re curious, the email was Chuck trying to stir up donations for Senator Feingold of Wisconsin. Normally this is called a moneybomb, but Wisconsin? Get it?