Monthly Archives: April 2010

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets: Games 17-19

Game 17: Mets 7, Braves 4
The Fake Mets took an early 3-1 lead, thanks to a massive first inning two-run homer by Fake David Wright. But the Fake Braves tied the game with solo homers by Fake Troy Glaus and Martin Prado. After the Fake Mets blew a chance to get Fake Jason Bay home from third with one out in the bottom of the eighth, Fake Yunel Escoabr hit a home run off of Fake Bobby Parnell to put Atlanta up 4-3. Fake Billy Wagner came on to try to earn a save, but two hits and a Wright sac fly tied the game anew, and Fake Carlos Beltran clubbed a three-run home run to give the Fake Mets a walkoff win.

In real life: After John Maine fled the game with a mysterious ailment in his non-pitching arm, Ike Davis hit his first major league home run–a 450-foot bomb to the Shea Bridge–to tie the game at 1. As Hisanori Takashi turned in a brilliant relief performance, the Mets went ahead with two runs in the seventh, then got two more in the eighth thanks to Atlanta’s unfamiliarity with the finer details of the infield fly rule. Frankie Rodriguez allowed two base runners but danced out of danger to preserve a 5-2 win.

Game 18: Braves 6, Mets 4
Fake Ollie Perez struggled in the first, giving up two-run homer to Fake Chipper Jones and solo shot to Fake Troy Glaus. The Fake Mets came right back with three runs in their half, the last two scoring on a long two-RBI double by Fake Daniel Murphy. Fake Ollie settled down for a while, but gave up another two-run longball in the top of the sixth, this one to Fake Nate McClouth. The Fake Mets scored another run on a wild pitch in the bottom of the eighth, but could not complete the comeback.

In real life: Jon Niese danced in and out of danger all day, allowing plenty of baserunners but somehow only one run (with the aid of some sloppy baserunning by Yunel Escobar). Jason Bay tied the game with a long RBI double in the bottom of the sixth, and an RBI triple by Jeff Francoeur and a sac fly by Henry Blanco in the seventh put the Mets up 3-1. Pedro Feliciano stranded two runners in the eighth, and Frankie Rodriguez lodged his third save in as many games.

Game 19: Mets 8, Braves 3
John Maine pitched seven solid innings; his line would have looked better, but for a potential double play grounder that inexplicably skipped past Fake Daniel Murphy, leading to a two-run inning (it literally zipped past his feet, at a range at which fielders usually reach down and catch balls with ease). But a three-run homer by Fake Carlos Beltran in the fourth opened up a big lead for the Fake Mets, and a pinch-hit three-run shot by Fake Angel Pagan in the seventh put the game out of reach.

Since I’ve bitched about how unfair this game can be, I should make note of one way in which the game hands the user an advantage: the computer’s bullpen management is atrocious. Throughout this series, Fake Atlanta would bring in lefty relievers like Fake Eric O’Flaherty to face dangerous righty batters like Fake Wright and Bay, something not even the dumbest real life manager would do. Such AI incompetence allowed me to mount or extend many a rally. So thank you, dumb computer.

In real life: Mike Pelfrey somehow extended his scoreless streak, though it took him 106 pitches and a few double play grounders to negotiate his way through five innings on a raw, rainy night. Jose Reyes manufactured a run in the first by singling, stealing second, and dashing home on an errant throw by Chipper Jones. The rain came for good just as the game went official and gave the Mets a 1-0 win and a weather-aided series sweep.

Parallel Universe Fake Mets record: 7-12

Real Mets record: 10-9

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets: Games 13-16

Game 13: Mets 2, Cubs 1 (10)
The Fake Mets carried a 1-0 lead into the ninth, thanks to a stellar eight-inning performance by Fake Oliver Perez. But Fake Frankie Rodriguez gave up back-to-back doubles in the top of the ninth to tie the game. But the Fake Mets finally had some luck on their side. In the bottom of the tenth, Fake Daniel Murphy led off with a single, took second on a sac bunt, and advanced to third on a wild pitch. Then, Fake Omir Santos hit a lazy groundball in between first and second, just slow enough to allow Murphy to score and give the Fake Mets their first walkoff win of the season.

In real life: Jon Niese pitched a decent game and held the Cubs to one run, and the Chicago bullpen and defense handed the Mets a 5-run seventh inning to put them ahead by the eventual final score of 6-1. Ike Davis made his MLB debut and picked up his first hit and RBI.

Game 14: Cubs 10, Mets 1
Fake John Maine was clobbered for 10 hits, 7 runs, and two homers (by Fake Xavier Nady and Alfonso Soriano, who MLB10: The Show apparently mistakes for the Soriano of four years ago) in 4 1/3 innings. The Fake Mets could get nothing going against Fake Randy Wells and fell in a lopsided defeat.

In real life: Mike Pelfrey turned in another dominant start, going seven innings and giving up no runs and just three hits. Jose Reyes got on track with a four-hit night, and Fernando Tatis hit a pinch-hit two-run homer to put the game out of reach in the eighth inning. The bullpen made the 4-0 score stand up.

Game 15: Mets 4, Cubs 3
Fake Jon Niese had a decent outing, limiting the Fake Cubs to 3 runs. But the real star of this game was Fake Carlos Beltran, who clubbed two 2-run homers to account for all of the Fake Mets runs.

In real life: Oliver Perez came back to earth a bit, lasting just five innings and ceding 3 runs. Meanwhile, the Mets’ bullpen became suddenly leaky and gave up 6 runs of its own, en route to a 9-3 defeat.

pufm016.pngGame 16: Mets 4, Cubs 1
Fake Johan Santana went the distance to finally earn his first win of the year. Fake Jason Bay hit a two-run homer to get the Fake Mets on the board in the first inning. Picture included here so that Real Mets fans can finally get a glimpse of what Jason Bay homering looks like.

In real life: Johan Santana gritted his way through 6 and 1/3 innings, stranding runners all night and allowing just one earned run. The Cubs were undone by a four-run sixth inning in which two runs scored on a booted grounder by Mike Fontenot. With Chicago threatening in the eighth, Frankie Rodriguez was called on for a five-out save, which he somehow managed, and the Mets had a 5-2 victory and their first series win of the year.

Parallel Universe Fake Mets record: 5-11

Real Mets record: 7-9

Politics Schmolitics

Mitch McConnell Wants Free Finance

mitchmcconnell.jpgYou can’t reform finance, man! Finance needs to live free and roam wild, like nature intended! You gotta let it grow, man, just like my head of luscious hippie hair. When you don’t, you upset the delicate financial balance put in place by Mother Cash.

I know untamed finance can seem scary, but that’s just the way we’ve been conditioned by this plastic modern society, man. If you look at it with open eyes, I mean really look at it, man, it’s beautiful. Open up the Wall Street Journal and gaze at all these CEO’s making boatloads of cash in bonuses while laying off hundreds of workers. Or a hedge fund manager setting up mortgage-backed securities he knew would fail, then betting against them to make a shitload of money when the economy went in the crapper. How can people do stuff like that and sleep at night? That’s the wonderful mystery of finance, man!

The derivatives market is one of the last untouched financial wildernesses we have. You can’t fence that in, man! Those derivatives need to be untamed, run around like maniacs, and send the economy on unpredictable spikes and troughs that cause millions of people to lose their jobs! Man, don’t pave paradise and put up a parking lot!