Good Guys Continue to Win in 2010!

goodguys.jpgLet this post serve as another friendly reminder that the WFMU Marathon is spinning along, and the station still needs your help!

The goal for this year’s marathon is $1.2 million. As of this writing, they stand at about $500K. So there’s still a tough road to hoe. Anything you can contribute will be greatly appreciated.

How much do I believe in this cause? I’ve actually altered my site to include an Insta-Pledge widget over there to your right. Now, you don’t even have to leave this fabulous webbed site to show your support! (If you want to alter your own site in such fashion, go here.)

The mere fact that you can aid such a fabulous cause should be reason enough to do so. But a pledge of $75 or more entitles you to at least one DJ premium, which are all amazing, full of stuff you can’t get anywhere else, and will bring you hours of amusement.

Case in point: I just rediscovered an unbelievable CD that Terre T gave out as her DJ premium way back in 2003. It features live performances from a plethora of bands who played on her show: The Dirtbombs, Corba Verde, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Electric Eel Shock…there is nothing not awesome on this collection, and none of it can be found anywhere else.

Where can you find this CD now? YOU CAN’T. Unless you have a time machine and can travel back in time and pledge to her show, which would be an excellent use of a time machine (right after you killed Hitler, of course).

What I’m saying is, do you want to look back on your life without regret? Pledge now, get these premiums, and lord it over your less savvy friends in the years to come.

I heartily recommend you tune in to tonight’s installment of The Best Show, because–well, I’d recommend doing that every Tuesday night. But on this Tuesday, if you pledge, you won’t just receive this year’s Chump Steamroller Fun Pack, which includes a bumper sticker, Best Show trading cards, and a DVD whose participants and contents are far too awesome to recount here.

No, as if all of that weren’t enough, a pledge tonight puts you in the running for a number of fabulous additional prizes. Like what? Oh, how about the entire Monty Python Complete Series DVD set AUTOGRAPHED BY TERRY GILLIAM?! Seriously, how about that, nerds? I can actually hear 12-year-old me getting a boner over the very thought of such a thing.

And if Monty Python ain’t your bag, there’s also a fabulous set of rare, rare, super rare stuff from Boston Spaceships (Robert Pollard of Guided by Voice’s current deal), which includes (among many other things) a 7″ test pressing. How rare are those? That rare. (I’m holding my arms out very far.) You can’t get a test pressing of anything unless you’re in the band, produce the band, or sleep with the band. Pledging is a much easier means of acquiring this thing.

Oh, and there will be fabulous celebrity guests in studio, of course: Patton Oswalt and John Hodgman, who will contribute live hilarity to the festivities (Patton’s peformance as The Famous Flamer during the 2008 is one of the funniest pledge drive come-ons you will ever hear).

If you don’t tune in, you will miss awesome stuff such as what happened last week, when Ted Leo played a few songs from his brand new album The Brutalist Bricks (out today!). He also sang a duet with frequent Best Show caller/Newbridge’s biggest cannabis enthusiast, Bryce, on “We Built this City on Rock and Roll”.

Your country needs you. Your airwaves need you. So don’t think about it, DO IT!!!!!!

Six Degrees of Slanderous Separation with Mike Lupica

lupica2.jpgDespite being jaded and cynical about The Ways of the World, I still manage to surprise myself with my naive ability to be appalled. This happened on Sunday as I read Mike Lupica’s rambling, borderline slanderous column in the Daily News about Jose Reyes. In it, he puts a bunch of dots on the same page as “Reyes”, “hyperthyroid issue”, and “HGH”, expecting you to connect the three without ever explicitly saying so.

It was a Fox News-ian tactic: say an extremely controversial thing that will play well with your core audience, but say it in such a way that allows you to deny (technically) saying it when the other side gets its feathers ruffled. Except that in the world of sports “journalism”, you can write such things and not face any consequences for actions that would result in censure in virtually any other arm of the fourth estate.

Here’s a few choice quotes designed to sow doubt in readers’ minds:

Reyes says he told the feds he didn’t get human growth hormone from a Canadian doctor named Tony Galea, often regarded as a patron saint of HGH.

Yes, I remember when the Pope officially canonized him as such last year. Galea is under investigation for HGH distribution, but I don’t think that makes him the “patron saint” of the shadowy substance any more than I’m the patron saint of Cheez-Its because I can’t stop eating them. (Though I would totally accept the position were it offered to me, or existed.)

[J]ust because Reyes now has a problem with his thyroid gland, and is in New York City for sophisticated testing on it, does not mean those problems were caused by any kind of synthetic drug in his system.

Although the tone of my article, and this snotty sentence, indicates I totally believe they were.

Nobody should be surprised that people are looking to draw a line from Galea to what showed up in Reyes’ blood tests.

I’m not surprised that people make such assumptions in blog comment sections or on sports radio. This morning, I heard the douchetacular Craig Carton scream at a doctor who dared suggest there wasn’t enough evidence to make this logical leap. But I am surprised that such accusations–which have no shred of evidence to support them–are given credence in a major newspaper like the Daily News.

Is there a way human growth hormone could have contributed to Reyes’ thyroid problems? There are doctors who think so. Would they ever say HGH definitely caused Reyes’ problems? No, they would not.

No, they would not say that because diagnosing a person you’ve never treated and revealing that diagnosis publicly would be a total violation of everything you learn from day one in medical school.

“Good medicine is about eliminating possible causes,” Dr. Lewis Maharam – a doctor of sports medicine who has made sense about performance-enhancing drugs for years – said yesterday. “It’s about differentials, making a list of possibilities and then eliminating them one by one. But there is a possibility that human growth hormone could cause a spike of thyroid hormone levels.”

There’s also a possibility that it could give you the ability to fly or learn ancient Sanskrit or grow  an extra set of arms. These things are all highly unlikely, but there’s no reason to think they’re impossible, right?

The negative side effects of HGH use aren’t well known, because HGH isn’t legitimately prescribed often, and most of its use is confined to the murky underworld of performance enhancing drugs, where users are reluctant to participate in clinical trials. So hell, why not say it could cause your hands to turn into saltines? You can’t definitively say it doesn’t do that, can you? I rest my case.

Also, Dr. Maharam “has made sense about performance-enhancing drugs for years”–I didn’t know you could specialize in Making Sense. Is that a lucrative practice? Is it any more lucrative than badgering Tiger Woods, which he also seems to specialize in?

Lupica closes out his piece by unfavorably comparing Reyes to Jimmy Rollins and Derek Jeter. He notes that Reyes played only 36 games last year and Jeter has never played fewer than 119. He fails to mention that Rollins had a terrible year last season. He also doesn’t mention that from 2005 through 2008, Reyes played at least 153 games every year, and played 160 games twice (something Captain Intangibles has never done). Because all of these facts would not jive with the well-established narrative of Jose Reyes as malingerer and malcontent and–now added to the pile–drug cheater.

I don’t think Lupica has anything against Reyes, necessarily. This is not an attempt to railroad him so much as it is an attempt to stir up controversy and sell some more papers/get some more page hits (which I am indirectly contributing to, I suppose). And in the grand scheme of things, writing a shitty, wildly speculative column on Reyes is pretty low on Lupica’s list of offenses.

For instance, he was directly responsible for driving Mark Kriegel and Lisa Olson away from the Daily News, all of them for petty personal reasons. He loves to insert himself into the news as much as possible, as he did during last year’s U.S. Open. He is, by multiple accounts, a miserable prick who lives to throw his weight around.

He’s risen to the heights of the sportswriting world, yet is still apparently haunted by jealousy and a fear of being outshone. What could possibly cause a man to behave in such a manner? I have no idea what personal demons Lupica may have within him, but I don’t think you can eliminate HGH use from the equation.

I have absolutely no evidence that Lupica has used HGH. And I also have absolutely no idea if HGH could even cause such emotional neediness. But I don’t have any evidence to refute these things either, do I? Lupica painted Reyes guilty by association on evidence just as flimsy, so I see no reason why I can’t do the same.

Sean from Massapequa: Reyes Some Concern

Today, Sean from Massapequa graces us with his presence to discuss Jose Reyes’ sudden medical woes. He told me he preferred to address the audience directly, unlike previous posts where we had a dialogue. So without further delay, here’s Sean.

seanfrommassapequa.jpgThey say Jose Reyes has got a thyroid problem. Yeah, and I’m the mayor of Five Towns.

I’m not, just so you know. There is no mayor of Five Towns, cuz it ain’t an actual town. Just like Reyes ain’t actually hurt. We all know this guy fakes injuries, like he did last year so’s he could take more salsa lessons.

How do I know that? Ask yourself this: Has he ever denied it? I rest my case.

There ain’t no such thing as a thyroid. You ever seen one? I didn’t think so. A thyroid is one a them things doctors make up so’s they can prescribe you expensive medication. Like ADD, or your appendix. It’s all just a scam. They say you got some disease, charge your insurance for the pills or cream or whatever, and you get some workman’s comp cuz you got sick on the job somehow. That’s what they call The Circle of Scam.

You get to be my age, you see the shit I seen, you realize everything’s a scam. Congress. Santa Claus. The Pope. Cold fusion. The Post Office. All scams. Makes me sick just thinkin about it.

Listen: you go to the right doctor, you can get him to say you got anything. Anything. And if you go to the really right doctor, you can get him to write you a scrip for anything. Speakin a which, if you need that type a doctor, lemme know. I might know a guy. Just sayin.

Take my buddy Joe, f’rinstance. Works for the Parks Department supervising landscaping work. Easiest job in the world. Guy works like 15 hours a week, and half that time is replacing the string in the weedwhackers. Of course, Joe had to get greedy and try and get disability. So he goes to this one doctor I know in Fresh Meadows, doctor “diagnoses” him with “lawnmower lung”.

reyes_st_2010.jpgThe City said there was no such thing, but Joe threatened to squeal about the no-bid Soilmaster contract, so they gave him what he wanted. Now the guy collects a paycheck while sittin in a hammock all year. Even in the winter, two feet a snow on the ground. Guy loves his hammock.

I bet that’s where Reyes is right now, swingin in his hammock, sippin a lemonade. I bust my hump on the job three days a week, and all I wanna do is watch some spring training baseball in the middle of my five day weekend. Now that’s all ruined cuz Reyes don’t wanna do spring training drills. Life ain’t fair.

Look, Reyes, just get your ass on the field and all is forgiven. I need you back on the diamond so’s I can scream horrible things atcha every time you don’t hit a triple.