Let Us Now Praise Famous Schmoozers

steve-somers.jpgBecause of my well-documented dislike of the zeppelin-sized Mike Francesa, I often use his home station–WFAN–as a byword for sports talk idiocy. But all is not lost on the self proclaimed New York’s #1. Well, most of it is lost (or, to use Francesa’s vernacular, LAWST!!!), but there is one chunk of the broadcasting weekday that isn’t a total waste of time. I am speaking, of course, of Steve Somers, aka The Schmooze.

I was reminded of Somers’ greatness by a recent appreciation of him written by Michael Brendan Dougherty over at The Awl. Mr. Dougherty usually writes for The American Conservative, so I assume he and I don’t see eye to eye on a number of issues. But love of Steve Somers transcends petty political differences.

As Dougherty deftly points out, Somers is the anti-Francesa (without ever mentioning Francesa by name). This is especially pronounced because Somers’ show comes on right after The Sports Pope. Francesa acts as the judge, jury, and executioner of his own little courtroom, making pronouncements and banging his gavel against anyone who dares disagree with him.

Worst of all, he never sounds happy. Ironically, his two biggest sports loves (if you can call it love) are New York’s two most successful teams: The Yankees and the Giants. And yet, their triumphs never seem to bring him any satisfaction. They just fuel more tweaking of the teams he doesn’t like. Perhaps because he’s so used to winning (by proxy), he simply expects victory, and so can’t enjoy it. He’s only satisfied when making other people miserable.

Somers’ favorites are perennial losers or hard luck teams like the Mets, Jets, and Rangers (he’s the only WFAN personality who actually talks about hockey, save Boomer Esiaison). And yet, there is always joy in his voice. Or at least a kind resigned, bemused attitude of oy, can you believe this? His attitude reminds you that, even though sports can give us agita and make us want to tear our hair out, at the end of the day they’re supposed to be fun. The season’s going down the toilet? Laugh about it already!

He opens all his shows with the same greeting: “Good evening to you and how you be?” Then he launches into a long, pun-filled monologue (he refers to the injury plagued Mets as the Medical-politans), occasionally spiced with audio collages. It’s difficult for callers to bash his favorite teams because he is usually the first one to dig at them. If a caller does manage to take a shot at The Schmooze, he will defuse the hostility with self-deprecating humor.

But my favorite Somers move comes on those rare occasions when he does have something to gloat about. He will speak long and slow and in a barely audible voice about a game, building up to his point at a glacial pace, then all of a sudden say, “and then THIS!”, followed by a soundbite of an amazing play from the game. It always kills me.

When a caller praises Francesa, he gives a perfunctory thanks and urges them to get on with their point. When a caller praises Somers, he sounds genuinely touched and says something like, “I’m happy enough to have a job already!” Perhaps it’s false modesty, but it must be hard to get a big head when your show is regularly preempted to broadcast Nets games.

In a way, Somers reminds me of the previous generation of sports radio voices, like Mel Allen and Bob Murphy. They didn’t exactly ask hard hitting questions, but they never ceased to be amazed that they actually worked in sports. It’s an attitude that runs completely counter to the trend in sports yakking. In order to get on sports radio or ESPN these days, you have to be loud, obnoxious, have some sort of schtick, and usually be very ANGRY about a subject that shouldn’t warrant such vitriol. Somers, on the other hand really does sound like he’s happy to have any job, let alone to talk about sports for a living.

It is we who should be grateful that Somers is where he is, doing what he does. So here’s to you, Schmooze, one of the good ones.

The Mets Fanwalk of Shame

Mets management has, amazingly, heard and heeded some complaints from fans. Responding to a lack of Met-itude at CitiField, the team is working on a number of enhancements to give the new stadium more of a personality and sense of history. In addition to finally establishing a physical location for a Mets Hall of Fame, they’re also spiffing up the park’s exterior with banners and murals of Mets greats of the past.

Best of all, they’ve enhanced the already great Fan Walk with commemorative plaques, each of which feature a famous moment in Mets history that happened at the now-demolished Shea Stadium. Pics of these circulated on various blogs earlier this week, and they made me regret my decision to not buy a Fan Walk brick even more than I already did (my financial inability to do so notwithstanding).

But just like matter itself, the Mets’ stupidity can neither be created nor destroyed. So when they actually manage to get something right and do something cool, it has to be countered by something dumb and ham-fisted, In this case, it’s an easily fixable error in the plaque dedicated to the Mets’ thrilling, come-from-behind win in game 7 of the 1986 World Series (first pointed out by Mets Police, which also gave us the awesome pics linked above).

orosco.jpgIf you read the text, you’ll see the last sentence of the synopsis says “Sid Fernandez earned the win with exceptional relief work”. El Sid did relieve Ron Darling in that game, and his 2 1/3 hitless innings were arguably the biggest reason the Mets were able to rally from an early 3-0 deficit in that game. However, Fernandez did not technically earn the win–Roger McDowell did.

An easy mistake to make? Sure, but also an easy mistake to correct. Two minutes of research could’ve prevented this from ever being cast in bronze. It’s not like the Mets have so many world championships whose details need to be fact checked.

But sadly, that’s not the only mistake on these plaques. Just take a look at these completely un-Photoshopped examples of other plaque oopsies!

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The Tenets of Boehner-Care

boehner.jpgAs threats against Democratic Congressmen mount across the country, I get asked the same question over and over: John, isn’t that awesome? Yes, it is very awesome.

I also get asked another question: Why don’t you say speak out against these terrible threats? Let me first answer this question with a statement: Screw you. And now let me answer the question with another question” Why should I?

See, I didn’t oppose health care reform because I thought it was socialistic or unconstitutional. I opposed health care reform because I am opposed to health. No one should be healthy! And there’s nothing more unhealthy than being dead.

Look at me, for instance. Sure, I may look decent in this very expensive suit, but trust me, this Brooks Brothers exterior hides a veritable cesspit of a body. Every morning, I drink a delicious shake made of two kinds of half-and-half (the milk kind and the drink mix kind), crushed Snickers, and pulverized Cheetos, covered by candied bacon bits. I can’t blink without sweating. And I demand that all of America enjoy the same kind of horrid physical condition!

This is why in the next Congressional session, I will introduce legislation to smallpox-idize America’s water supply. That should help combat the healthy effects of the fluoride we foolishly threw in the drinking water in the 60s. I also have great hopes for my proposal to mail envelopes full of Ebola to random citizens and start pandemic flare ups every few weeks. It’ll be like that movie Outbreak, except no Dustin Hoffman. By that point, we’ll have passed my law that will cause him to die by mercury poisoning.

But please, understand this: My anti-health position does not in any way run counter to my anti-abortion stance. I believe unborn life is precious and sacred and anyone who thinks otherwise should have to drink some of my altered tap water. Of course, once that child transitions from unborn to actually born, then all bets are off. Because I believe that all newborn children should be injected with a crippling amount of hepatitis.