Monthly Archives: March 2010

Baseball

Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2010 MLB Preview: NL West

Thumbnail image for dbacks2.jpgARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS

2009 record: 70-92

Local weather: Ball-meltingly hot

Namesake: Venemous rattlesnake responsible for the majority of fatal snakebites in northern Mexico, thus explaining why the Diamondbacks are Lou Dobbs’ favorite team.

Do they really play for the entire state of Arizona?: Yes, except for small pockets of Tempe. They know why.

Perpetually overused team-related headline: Raising Arizona. Cease and desist letters from the Coen Brothers have proven ineffective.

Best name on 40-man roster: Clay Zavada (also owner of best mustache on team)

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: Billy Buckner. Not the former Dodgers/Cubs/Red Sox first baseman, but a young relief pitcher. Still, you’d think teams would shy away from anyone named Billy Buckner.

Spring standout: Justin Upton, whose .324 batting average and 16 RBIs are an obvious attempt to shame his brother B.J.

Probable Opening Day starter: Dan Haren, whose hitched delivery is almost as confounding as his facial hair.

Biggest question for 2010: Will their talented core of young players once again prove woefully outmatched, or merely disappointing?

Advantage to start the season: Close proximity of spring training facility removes the disorienting effects of jet lag.

Semi-serious assessment: The Diamondbacks lineup is full of stars, near stars, or should-be stars like Upton, Stephen Drew, and Mark Reynolds (all of them born in years I actually remember, which depresses the shit out of me). But their rotation is Haren and not much else until Brandon Webb comes back from shoulder surgery. They’ll score a lot of runs, but they’ll give a lot up, too, especially in their home park. Even in a relatively weak division, I don’t see how they finish much better than .500 this year.

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Baseball

Reminder: You Make the Call!

Last week, I posted a question to the general public about what baseball-related horrible waste of time I should work on this upcoming season. And the response has been underwhelming! Thus far, The Parallel Universe Fake Mets have the lead, but I’d like to get a few more responses so that we’re not forsaken by the trickery of small sample sizes. So please, vote! Your influence counts! Use it! (Thanks, Bob Grant.)

To recap, here are your choices:

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets: I will do a season for the Mets in either MLB10:The Show or Stratomatic (or both), contrasting it with what the actual Mets do on the field this year.

The 2000 Project: A lesser sequel to The 1999 Project. I’ve always theorized that 2000 was a far inferior season to 1999, but this project would attempt to challenge those prejudices.

You can also choose Both or Neither (I beg you, please don’t chose Both). Get to votin’!

QuestionsView Results
Videocracy

YouTubery Friday: Celebrity Endorsements

It’s Friday! Procrastinate and count down to happy hour with these lovely bits!

On this week’s edition of The Best Show on WFMU, host Tom Scharpling asked listeners to share their favorite/least favorite celebrity commercials. A few gems were uncovered, which I’d like to share with you in the spirit of friendship and brotherhood and mockery.

First up, a Japanese ad for a cologne called Mandom, featuring that pinnacle of mandom, Charles Bronson. How manly is Chuck? He smokes a pipe shirtless, for one thing. He also fantasizes about himself as a cowboy as he literally pours cologne on himself. Who’s gonna tell Charles Bronson he’s wearing enough cologne to make a sasquatch tear up? I sure as hell ain’t.

Here’s an ad for a local cardiologist in Encino, California, starring M*A*S*H‘s Jamie Farr and a strangely bearded Alex Rocco. The hirsute Mr. Rocco does not get his eye shot out in this scene, as he did as Moe Green in The Godfather Part II, but he did go through the trouble of getting really drunk before the shoot. And you’ll never guess the twist ending to this ad! (Here’s a hint: You’ll totally guess it.)

Speaking of which, here’s some outtakes from an ad shoot for Paul Masson Wine starring legendary actor/director Orson Welles. Paul Masson would sell no wine before its time, but they would film ads before their enormous spokesman could sober up. Almost as funny as Welles’ pickled reactions are the tortured expressions of the two party-goers to his right.

And what roundup of celebrity endorsements would be complete without Macho Man Randy Savage and his legendary spots for Slim Jim? Thrill as The Macho Man destroys a library and shames an authority figure with the power of smoked meats!

BONUS!: Peep this “interview” with Macho Man Randy Savage from oh, let’s say the 80s cuz why not? Even by Macho Man standards, this interview is a little manic. Something extra seems at play. I don’t know for sure, but I’ll bet that something extra came from Bolivia.