Americans Celebrate 40 Years of the Great Moon Conspiracy

moon.jpgAP–For many Americans, it was the defining moment of their generation. All who witnessed can tell you exactly where they were when it happened. And though for some of us it may seem as if it happened just yesterday, today marks the 40th anniversary of the so-called “moon-landing.”

Across the nation, millions will pause and take time to remember that moment when America tried to pull the wool over the world’s eyes and pretend it put men on the moon. Some will watch old footage of this total mockery of science. Others will pull out old newspapers and marvel at the primitive techniques of photographic trickery that tried to sell this deception to a sheep-like public. Still others will send threatening notes to NASA, begging them to reveal the secrets behind this cheap facade that laughs in the face of truth itself.

“I remember watching it on TV, and seeing Neil Armstrong plant that flag on the moon,” said Jerry Derwood, a part-time web designer from Skokie, Illinois. “And seeing the Stars and Stripes wave in the lunar sky, I thought to myself ‘Hey, there’s no atmosphere on the moon! That flag shouldn’t be waving! Something’s fishy here!'”

In his spare time, Derwood runs the web site NeilArmstrongSuperfraud.com, one of roughly 675 million moon-conspiracy-related sites that have received a huge amount of hits in the last month, thanks to the hoopla surrounding the anniversary of The Great Moon Sham of ’69.

“A lot of kids can’t imagine what it was like back then to witness something like this,” Derwood said. “These days, ridiculous frauds are foisted on the American public all time. But children of my generation hadn’t yet seen such a blatant, cynical attempt to play on our emotions.”

Derwood plans to celebrate the event by standing at the foot of Buzz Aldrin’s driveway, demanding that he submit himself to a polygraph test.

Others will celebrate more peacefully, such as Mark Harlin, a freelance copyeditor who runs the web site TheMoonandOtherLies.com. “There’s no point in harassing the quote-unquote spacemen,” Harlin said. “They were merely pawns in the vast games of The Cold War and the machinations of the military industrial complex. Besides, there’s nothing I could do that would make these guys’ live any worse than they already are. How would you feel if you were party to such a snarled tapestry of lies, one that threatens to unravel at any moment? I wouldn’t wish that kind of living hell on my worst enemy.”

Harlin then launched on a 27-minute monologue about how no human being could withstand the radiation of the Van Allen belt.

This morning, President Obama marked the occasion with a speech punctuated by numerous ironic air-quotes.

“Today we celebrate the ‘achievements’ of the Apollo 11 ‘astronauts’,” Obama said, rolling his eyes at several key junctures.”At a time when America was reeling from the assassinations of Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King, Jr., and embroiled in a bloody struggle in Southeast Asia, you ‘bravery’ made America ‘believe in itself’ again.

“I only regret that the great Walter Cronkite passed away before we could mark this ‘anniversary’,” the President continued. “The sincerity and solemnity with which he marked the ‘event’ were almost enough to convince America that men had actually walked on the moon.”

The Senate Judiciary Committee Discusses the Mid-80s NBC Prime Time Lineup

lindsaygraham.jpgMs. Sotomayor, I appreciate that you rose from humble origins, but some statements you’ve made over the years about your ethnic background lead me to believe you might let your identity cloud your judgment.
sotomayor.jpgSenator Graham, I don’t think simply recognizing one’s identity necessarily clouds one’s judgment. Every person alive has an identity, and they are constantly influenced by that identity.
lindsaygraham.jpgNot Michael Knight.
sotomayor.jpgWho?
lindsaygraham.jpgMichael Knight, of TV’s Knight Rider.
sotomayor.jpgKnight Rider?
lindsaygraham.jpgMs. Sototmayor, are you telling me that you want to be a Supreme Court justice and yet you are unfamiliar with Knight Rider?
sotomayor.jpgI remember the program, but I can’t say I saw it more than once or twice.
lindsaygraham.jpgIf you’ll recall, Michael Knight was, in the words of the opening credits, “a man who does not exist”.
sotomayor.jpgSo you want a Supreme Court justice to be like David Hasselhoff?
lindsaygraham.jpgNo, I want you to be more like Michael Knight! I thought I made that clear! Michael Knight had no identity. And yet, he was a one-man crime-fighting machine! An engine of justice, if you will.

Continue reading The Senate Judiciary Committee Discusses the Mid-80s NBC Prime Time Lineup

Vote Republican or We’re Taking Our Ball and Going Home!

When I heard Barack Obama was going to throw out the first pitch at the All Star Game, I figured the right-wing blogosphere and radio world would find something wrong with it. Whether he threw a perfect strike over the plate or an eephus pitch into the first base stands, it would be judged as something evil because, well, why not?

Such an event marks one of the neocons’ few chances to attack a guy whose biggest crime is being treated like a rock star everywhere he goes. These are the same guys who rah-rah-ed for torture for eight years and helped send American troops to die in Iraq on a total lie. But a photogenic, popular president? That shall not stand!

Even by the low standards I hold them to, however, one ASG-related screed really stood out like an unhinged door. It was penned by Andy McCarthy (not the co-star of Weekend at Bernie’s) and featured at National Review‘s The Corner. The site is aptly named; it’s a lot like a corner near a bus station, overrun with raving lunatics.

You know The Crazy will be brought in abundance when this is the first line of the post:

Though it’s not a widely appreciated fact, we right-winger sports nuts
have long known that the sports press is among the media’s leftiest
precincts.

Yeah, I’m sick of Joe Buck all those pro-socialized medicine diatribes he throws into the Fox Game of the Week. I don’t think Sunday Night Football is an appropriate venue for John Madden to praise Hugo Chavez. And I won’t watch College Gameday anymore, not after Lee Corso turned it into a soapbox for his Tax the Churches movement!

In what universe is sports media a bastion of effete left-wing intellectuals? Can you name one Sports Guy other than Keith Olbermann who is even rumored to be a lefty? Sports news rarely intersects with political news, and when it does, sports networks like ESPN tend to stay centrist so they don’t alienate anyone. Because sports are seen by most people as an “escape” from the real world. Regardless of political affiliation, folks don’t like it when nasty things like partisan squabbling find their way onto SportsCenter.

And what of sports radio, Mr. McCarthy? The only difference between Rush Limbaugh’s audience and Mike Francesa’s audience is the frequency they tune into. You should’ve heard some of the people calling into Francesa in the weeks leading up to the presidential election. Listening to them, you would’ve thought 90 percent of the electorate was gonna vote for McCain.

And this is in the Tri-State Area, solid blue state territory if there is one. I can’t even imagine what sports radio is like in, say, St. Louis, where a shot of Dubya in the ASG pregame ceremony resulted in rapturous applause.

McCarthy’s biggest gripe is that ESPN “covered up” Obama being booed at the All Star Game. God help me for defending ESPN, but it’s not ESPN’s job to discuss the political ramifications of Obama’s appearance at the All Star Game. That’s for political analysts. And I guess paranoid hacks like you can throw their two cents in as well. Just remember to put your tinfoil hat on first, so the secret Illuminati satellites can’t beam pro-gay-rights messages into your brain!

I also don’t recall ESPN making a big deal of Dick Cheney getting the living shit booed out of him when he threw out the first pitch for the Nationals a few years ago. So at least ESPN is bipartisan in its cover-ups.

McCarthy insists his “six-year-old throws a baseball better (far better, in fact) than Obama.” Then get that kid to declare for the MLB draft, because Obama’s pitch wasn’t that bad. His lefty delivery didn’t draw any comparisons to Johan Santana, of course, but McCarthy’s lengthy descriptions of its failings are just flat-out lies (or self delusion), as MLB’s video of the event will attest.

He hates the fact that Obama threw the ball to Albert Pujols instead of Yadier Molina, because he only did it to keep the crowd from booing! There could be no other reason, except maybe honoring an amazing player who’s having a potentially historic season. And he only embraced Cardinal great Stan Musial to thwart a jeering crowd! Or maybe it’s because Stan Musial is a living legend and one of the best hitters ever.

No, it can’t be! It was all a ruse to keep the crowd on his side! Just like his decision to wear a White Sox jacket, because..wait, St. Louis fans hate Chicago! And despite his nefarious gambits, the crowd booed (mildly) anyway. Can you follow this train of thought? No? Me either.

Look at this screengrab. I don’t even see a baseball! He didn’t throw anything! And all you sheep are falling for it! We’re through the looking glass here, people.

McCarthy’s attempt to pull secret codes from benign actions should come at no surprise. Neocons always get hung up on the nonsense of stagecraft, at the expense of examining things that truly matter. You know, stuff that leaders actually do.

For example, neocons think one of the greatest things Dubya ever did was throw out the first pitch at Yankee Stadium during the 2001 World Series. It represented a Display of Strength and Resolve after 9/11! It showed he would not be cowed by those nasty terrorists! It showed he would never stop! And he never stopped!

Except when it came to finding the man responsible for the World Trade Center attack. He stopped well short of accomplishing that mission. But hey, he threw a perfect strike to Derek Jeter! That’s almost like bringing Osama bin Laden to justice, right?

Ironic, then, that McCarthy denounces Obama’s appearance as “shrewdly orchestrated”, since McCarthy’s recently departed Dear Leader shrewdly orchestrated every appearance he ever made. At least Obama doesn’t shrewdly orchestrate his press conferences. Or the bullshit intelligence he feeds to the CIA. Or ways to keep Congress in the dark about secret CIA operations.

But hey, keep bitching about how The Media won’t talk about Obama’s weak two-seam fastball. That oughta win you guys some elections. Between complainers like this douche and Sarah Palin, the GOP has transformed itself into the Party of Whine. They should change their logo from an elephant to a three-year-old with his arms folded, holding his breath.