Monthly Archives: July 2009

Life In These United States, Pointless Nostalgia

We Built This Country on Obscure References

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fourth.jpgFor several years in my feckless post-collegiate youth, I had the same plans every Fourth of July. Two friends of mine shared an East Village apartment with roof access. So every Independence Day, we’d go up there, grill up some grub, drink some beers, and watch the fireworks. The festivities were occasionally enhanced by a live band, or a roving hitman with a squirt gun full of vodka. It was like something out of a Smirnoff Ice commercial, but with more body fat and fewer douchebags.

The fireworks were the highlight of the evening. Partly this was because the roof gave us an awesome vantage point to view them. But mostly, it was because of a weird, dorky tradition amongst my friends. I have no idea how this started, but before long it became just as much a part of the holiday as blowing off your pinky with an M-80.

Basically the game was, as each rocket’s red glare burst in the air, at the exact moment when a normal person would say ‘oooh’, you had to yell out an obscure American history reference. Preferably, one with negative connotations. And you had to scream it out in the same kind of voice heard in that timeless patriotic anthem “America! Fuck Yeah!”

Obscure scandals of yesteryear were the most popular choices. Nothing can make a whole bunch of dorks laugh harder than suddenly screaming out TEAPOT DOME SCANDAL! or XYZ AFFAIR!

Presidents were okay, but not the really big ones, obviously. Thomas Jefferson? No. But Franklin Pierce? Solid!

And since the Fourth of July is about America, anything American was fair game. Whether it be YELLOW NUMBER 5! or RIP TAYLOR! or CASSINGLES! These were initially frowned upon, but permitted once we’d burned through more strictly-history-oriented references like GEORGE WALLACE! and THE BULL MOOSE PARTY!

So what would you yell out during the fireworks this Fourth of July? Let’s hear some suggestions, fellow patriots.

Baseball

Sign No. 147 That the Mets Are Doomed: Furries

During the Mets’ mostly disastrous series in Milwaukee, the team stayed at a haunted hotel. So they had to be relieved to move on to Pittsburgh for today’s make-up game against the Pirates, and stay in poltergeist-free lodgings.

Except that last night, SNY’s Kevin Burkhardt tweeted about something strange goings-on at their hotel. Ghosts? No, but something almost as terrifying:

Our hotel in Pitt is overrun by people dressed up as animals. Anthrocon? And they act as animals. I have seen it all and I am freaked out

Yes, the Mets are staying at the same hotel that’s hosting a FURRY CONVENTION. I’m gonna assume that you know what furries are, because it’s way too early in the morning for me to google “furry” and provide you with a proper definition. I haven’t even had breakfast yet.

euckerfurry.jpgThis is not the first time a visiting baseball team has had to share a hotel with…these guys. The Brewers had this happen to them back in 2007 during a series in Pittsburgh–as evidenced by the picture to your right–which inspired this hilarious Dugout. (Is Pittsburgh particularly tolerant of the fake-animal-loving community?)

Oh, but Mr. Burkhardt’s tweets got even more intriguing/horrifying as the night wore on:

I just took a picture with a person who was dressed like Ralph Wigam as a Beaver.

Of course, I had to see this. And I’m sure many of you may be curious, too. Keep in mind, if you click on this link, that there are some things you can’t un-see.

Poor Kevin later reported that he was too disturbed to sleep. I assume the players were no less disturbed. So if you watch the game this afternoon and you see a baseball team of dead-eyed, shell-shocked zombies…actually scratch that. The Mets look like that most days anyway, even without the influence of furries.