Monthly Archives: March 2009

NYC

Dress for the Scam You Want, Not the Scam You’re Running

m&ms.jpgI remember my first encounter with M&M kids. This was just post college, would’ve been around 1999/2000. I was on Broadway in the upper 90s, wandering around on my lunch break, when I was accosted by a couple of pre-teens who said they were selling candy for their basketball team. I gave them a buck and walked away with some Peanut M&Ms I had no intention of eating.

I also remember that, in the exact second the kids were out of earshot, I was immediately counter-accosted by some VERY CONCERNED woman who said to me, “You don’t REALLY think that money’s going to a basketball team, DO YOU?!” I shrugged and told her, “If it’s not, there are worse scams.”

To this day, I have no doubt that few–if any–of the kids who sell candy in this city do so for actual charities. But again, if it’s a scam, to what end? My only theory is that it rids Hershey of every last horrible pack of Peanut M&Ms, since that’s the only brand these kids ever have. And because Peanut M&Ms are an abomination.

However, I think this scam–if that is, indeed what it is–has run its course. Because the kids doing it have gotten progressively younger over the years. That suggests to me the real scam is some older scammer convincing naive types that The M&M Job still works.

But I got the real evidence of its demise last night. As I rode the M train home, I heard a kid make his pitch through my iPod headphones. “Scuse me, ladies and gentlemen, sorry to disturb your conversations…” I couldn’t see him from my vantage point–I sure wasn’t gonna try and make eye contact–but he sounded a little older than the usual M&M kid.

Shortly thereafter, my fellow subway riders cleared a path for him. I found this odd, because people usually ignore the M&M Kids. Plus, this car was pretty packed. But I found out in seconds why they cleared the way for him: He reeked of weed. This guy didn’t look nearly as high as the Stoned Man I saw at Toys R Us last December, but he smelled much, much worse.

Any dedicated scammer knows that a scam can only succeed when the scammer appears sincere and respectable. You don’t want the public at large to suspect you’re using their money for personal gain or nefarious purposes. Or to go roll up a fatty and laugh your ass off to Friday.

Once a scam has passed hands from skilled actors to young kids to degenerates, the scam is dead. I expect The M&M Kids to completely disappear from the city by year’s end. And it’s all thanks to the Cheech and Chong enthusiast I saw on the M train last night. Thanks, mysterious stranger!

Baseball, Inappropriate Walkup Music 2009

Inappropriate Walk Up Music: 03.24.09

santo-shea.jpgFor previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up
music.

These are not necessarily bad songs–although that
certainly helps. They are merely songs that don’t evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20… The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter’s box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* “Dust in the Wind”, Kansas
Suggested by Jon from Maplewood over at the Friends of Tom forum. As he put it, “I have always felt that “Dust In the Wind” would be incredibly
unsettling to everyone involved. The diverting effect of sports
temporarily wiped away…all in earshot reminded of the existential
truths about life. Does this next pitch matter? Not really. Ultimately, we will all die.” Batter up!

* “Dude Looks Like a Lady”, Aerosmith
Another FOT shoutout to Steve of Bloomington for this suggestion. In fact, pretty much any Aerosmith tune mid-80s onward works for our purposes. They all contain extremely high levels of suck. But this tune has some extra levels of inappropriateness to it that should be fairly obvious. It’s one of those songs whose mere existence amazes me, never mind that it was a huge hit.

Speaking of which, seen Steven Tyler lately? Good god, he looks like Joan Rivers. Dress as Latter-Day Steven Tyler next Halloween–trust me, you’ll clear the sidewalk.

* “No Language in Our Lungs”, XTC
I’ve never tried to parse out my 50 favorite songs ever, but I’m sure this makes the list. In the XTC catalog, “Dear God” might be slightly more inappropriate as walk-up music, what with its aggressive and poignant atheistic message. But “No Language in Our Lungs” gets my nod for being more heart-wrenching. Plus, I’ll always associate it with the scene in Freaks and Geeks where Bill begs not to be picked last for softball. He doesn’t want to be picked first; he just wants to not be picked last for once in his life. I’m sure you can guess what happens. Lord, this kills me.

Baseball, Pointless Nostalgia

The Fantasy Wisdom of Yesteryear

rotisserieleague.jpgFirst off, kudos to those who joined Scratchbomb’s official fantasy baseball league, The League of Calamitous Intent, and drafted with us this past weekend. I thank you for choosing The League of Calamitous Intent as the instrument of your demise.

Round this time of year, I always read two books: the newest edition of Baseball Prospectus, and the 1994 edition of The Official Rule Book and Draft-Day Guide for Rotisserie League Baseball.

I was not into fantasy baseball in 1994. Back then, it was still referred to as “rotisserie baseball” and it seemed to be fading as a pop culture relic of the 80s, like Family Ties and the omnipresent threat of nuclear holocaust. Even at its height, rotisserie baseball was a niche hobby amongst dedicated nerds, sort of a slightly more athletic Dungeons and Dragons. But it’s virtually indistinguishable with the brand of fantasy baseball that went mainstream with the rise of the intertubes in the late 90s.

I found this book at my in-laws’ house, which is weird because they’re not really into baseball. But I don’t look gift horses like these in the mouth. It’s an awesome time capsule of the waning days of the first fantasy baseball explosion. It also has a bittersweet tone if you remember that the 1994 baseball season didn’t end with a World Series, but with a strike.

This book is clearly a spiritual godfather to Baseball Prospectus.  it doesn’t have any predictive stats like PECOTA, merely hunches as to what various players will do and what you should pay for them in keeper leagues. But its pithy descriptions of players will ring familiar to any BP reader.

The Guide gives praise where praise is due, of course, but its most entertaining assessment are its bitchiest.

WALT WEISS: Eureka! He played a full season without spending a minute on the DL! Alert the media!

SAMMY SOSA: Ninety percent of Sosa’s production came in spectacular but brief bursts followed by long, yawning chasms of nothing. His outfield play can charitably be described as inconsistent. He is constitutionally incapable of hitting  cutoff man. And his teammates consider him a selfish, mindless player. Hey, nobody’s perfect.

MARK WHITEN: He had a big season one night last September.

KEVIN McREYNOLDS: Someone wake him up and tell him his career is over.

HAROLD BAINES: Your grandmother has nimbler knees, but as long as he can stand, the man will be able to hit

PAUL O’NEILL: Watch him enough and you realize sitting him against the tough left-handers makes sense. O’Neill gives new meaning to the word intensity. When he runs into a bad streak, the look on his face causes small children in the stands to burst into tears.

FRANK TANANA: About one of every four outings, this master craftsman gives a clinic on pitching. The other three, watch out.

But some of their funniest assessments are extremely brief dismissals:

DAN PASQUA: Pass.

KEVIN MAAS: No Maas.

JOE HESHKETH: Smeshketh

And there are also some prescient reviews of up-and-coming prospects:

CHIPPER JONES: Long regarded as the best minor league prospect in baseball….The early line has him sticking with the big team this spring, playing a little backup infield, then moving over to third if Pendleton continues to show signs of slowing down. Another scenario has Jones pushing Blauser  over to second. Still another has the Chipster going straight to Cooperstown without bothering to play major league ball.

MANNY RAMIREZ: Not a bad major league debut in his hometown, was it? Kid from New York shows up in a Cleveland uniform to play in Yankee Stadium for the first time, packs the stands with friends from the old neighborhood, and proceeds to hit two home runs and a double and drive in five runs. That’s the way we want to break in. At the plate, he resembles Juan Gonzalez, with his front-leg kick and solid 190-pound frame. His numbers also remind us of Gonzalez. We’re pretty excited.

CARLOS DELGADO: Not just a powerful bat, but a powerful left-handed bat. The only thing holding him back is his defense, and he’s learning.

JIM THOME: The old Indians never would have let this guy languish long enough to lead the International League in batting average and RBI. Come to think of it, the Indians didn’t leave him down in 1992. Now AL pitchers will be suffering from (dare we say it?) Thomaine.