Hello, Americans. This is Paul Harvey. Stand by for news from the hoary nether-regions of the afterlife!
Did you know: many of the best Americans are dead Americans? It’s true! George Washington, Henry Ford, Van Johnson–all dead! Sure, most of them weren’t dead their whole lives. In fact, most spent the vast majority of their existences being not dead! They only turned out dead at the very end of their lives. Food for thought, isn’t it?
Speaking of food, are you not as regular as used to be regular? Try Old Grandpa’s Fiber Tablets. One a day and your colon will be whistlin’ “Dixie” once again! And now, back to the show.
It’s been pretty busy in the afterlife. I was one of several thousand new arrivals when I got here, and it seems like every minute there’s another several thousand shuffling through the gates. At first, I had to fill out a lot of paperwork and so forth. I thought I’d died and gone to the DMV!
But after that, things cooled down a bit. When you have until the end of time to do things, you tend not to rush anymore. Things are nice and simple here, like in the old days.
I’m up in cloud 7.657.34-09, in between a former insurance salesman from Missoula and a former housewife from Topeka. Right across the hall, though, I have a bona fide celebrity. None other than Aldo Ray, co-star of a little film you may remember called The Green Berets. So if you’re in the neighborhood and you’re dead, stop in and say hi! We’d be glad to see you!
Dateline, the far side of eternity: Apparently there are more clouds over there. Big, fluffy clouds.
Dateline, a piece of eternity slightly closer, although the word ‘closer’ has little meaning within the context of something endless like ‘eternity’: More clouds.
Once, there was a little boy who dreamed of being on the radio. He loved to hear announcers on his favorite shows like Jack Armstrong and Little Orphan Annie, and he said to himself, “I want to do that when I grow up!” And so he grew up, and he worked his way onto the radio. And then one day he died.
And that little boy who grew up and died was…Scott Muni. Let that be a lesson to you!
This is Dead Paul Harvey, bidding you…good day!
