Inappropriate Walk Up Music: 03.10.09

santo-shea.jpgFor previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs–although that
certainly helps. They are merely songs that don’t evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20… The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter’s box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* “Brass in Pocket,” The Pretenders
As suggested by Cuzzin Loutie. I like The Pretenders, I like Chrissie Hynde, and I like this song. But now I see a batter coming up to the plate as Chrissie sings, “I’m special…so special..I gotta have all of your…attention… give it to me.” That mental image makes me cringe. Totally inappropriate as walk up music. Except for A-Rod.

* “Lucky Man”, Emerson Lake and Palmer
As suggested by TheWhiteBoomBoom. I imagine the batter making unreasonable demands of the crowd, kinda like with the Bright Eyes song I mentioned here a few days ago. But in this case, I picture some batter who’s really into prog rock, and he makes everyone in the stadium be quiet during the endless synth solo.

* “That Smell”, Lynyrd Skynyrd
Even for the low standards I ascribe to Skynyrd, this is an awful song. Every time I hear it, I think to myself, “Seriously, someone wrote a song with a chorus that goes “ooooh, that smell”?!

Loglines for the Next Seven Nicolas Cage Movies

niccage.jpg* The secret to clean coal technology is tattooed on Thomas Jefferson’s bones. Can Nic Cage and a ragtag group of misfits rescue his corpse from the evil clutches of Greenpeace?

* Nic Cage is Wrecker Jones, the undead descendant of Genghis Khan. Can he defeat the Werewolf Pancho Villa in time to save his village?

* Nic Cage is a government-trained super-assassin with one mission: go back in time and kill Helen Keller.

* An underground kickboxing tournament is held by an international terrorist organization to determine the champion of the universe. Little do they know that ex-Marine Nic Cage has come to break up the organization’s little party–and marry its leader.

* Nic Cage stars as some comic book character who hasn’t been done yet.

* Accomplished jazz composer and bandleader by day, street vigilante by night. Nic Cage is: Duke Killington!

* A former matinee idol seems to make horrible movie after horrible movie with no quality control over his career choices at all. Little does the public know, Nic Cage has discovered the secret to eternal life hidden in pieces across some of the worst scripts ever written. So when the rest of he world dies off one by one, only he shall be standing. AND THEY ALL LAUGHED!

Tommy Lasorda Takes His Ball and Goes Home

lasorda.jpgBaseball is America’s game! It doesn’t belong to the Italians or the Cubans or the Koreans or the Japanese. Especially not the Japanese! The very thought of them playing our game makes me sick to my stomach!

And the Dutch! God, I hate the Dutch! I hate tulips! I hate land below sea level! Screw them and their stupid wooden shoes! Those guys wear wooden shoes, right?

I feel so strongly about this, I’m gonna use my time machine. Oh yeah, I have a time machine. You get a free time machine whenever you’re inducted into the Hall of Fame.

You know who invented it? Don Drysdale. Not only are Dodgers the best team in the world, but they’ve broken the time/space continuum!

Anyway, I’m gonna use my time machine and get ridda every player I ever had who wasn’t American. Fernando Valenzuela, get lost! I know you won me a World Series in 1981, but I don’t care. Get American or get off my team!

Davey Lopes, cornerstone of my infield for a decade: hit the road! I don’t care if you were born in Rhode Island. That’s a foreign name, pal! I ain’t taking any chances!

Same goes for Ron Cey. That name sounds a little too Chinese for my liking. People used to call you The Penguin–penguins ain’t American, either. Get outta my sight!

Steve Garvey–probably American. But he went to play for the Padres, which is a Spanish word. Good enough for me! Scram, ya commie!

Once I get rid of all these un-American types, I’ll win even more World Series! Cuz my lineups won’t be polluted by these stupid foreign types! Those guys should stick to their own sports like soccer or bocce or whatever the hell it is those people play!

Then, I’ll go back to 1972 and warn Nixon about Watergate, and beat Woodward and Bernstein with a tire iron. No one takes down my favorite president! Nixon will be so grateful he’ll finally grant me my greatest wish: to see America’s official flower changed to fettuccine.

Then, I’ll go back to 1955 and make Jayne Mansfield fall in love with me. How? I have my ways. Most of them involve pasta.

Then, I’ll go back to 1933 and kill Hitler! But not before I find out where he hid the Ark of the Covenant!

Then, I’ll probably take a nap. Other than the time machine, sleep is the best way to escape this horrible, horrible modern world!