God Grant Me the Serenity to Stop Listening to WFAN

boomer-carton.jpgA while back, I shared my New Year’s resolution that I would no longer listen to WFAN (other than Mets games and Steve Somers). Unfortunately, as happens with most New Year’s resolutions, I’ve chipped away at mine until it’s compromised into oblivion.

For instance, when I get in the shower in the mornings, I feel compelled to turn on the radio, and tune it to WFAN while doing so. Even though WFAN’s morning show–Boomer and Carton–is god awful.

Check that: Boomer Esiaison’s not bad, but lord, Craig Carton sucks hard and long. The guy was spawned in the same secret frat boy lab where they genetically engineer morning zoo radio hosts. He’s got the same stupid, misogynistic, homophobic, and proudly ignorant opinions about sports–and life–that you can hear on any morning show in any city.

So why do I listen to it? I don’t know. I wish I could tell you what compels me to listen to something that just makes me angry and starts my day off on a bad foot. But so help me God, I don’t know.

This morning was the absolute nadir, though. As was just getting ready to leave the bathroom post-shower, Carton started talking about how he was “worried” about David Wright after watching him in the WBC.

I knew exactly what Carton was going to say: That David Wright isn’t “clutch”. That’s been the popular Angry Mets Fan Meme ever since last September. Why? Because everyone remembers Wright not driving in one run in one particular game against the Cubs down the stretch, so therefore he’s not clutch.

Mind you, all this handwringing ignores the fact that Wright’s stats in “clutch” situations (loosely defined though they are) are very good over the course of his career. But the kind of people who get upset over Wright’s supposed un-clutch-ness are not the types to be swayed by evidence and logic.

It also didn’t help that Carton’s radio-mate Mike Francesa spent the entire off-season pounding the completely baseless “Wright Ain’t Clutch” point over and over again, while also begging the Mets to trade him so they could “break up the core”.

(And then Francesa had the nerve to be offended when Wright didn’t want to talk to him during his visit to Port St. Lucie. I was gonna say Francesa’s got some chrome-plated balls, but it’s more likely they’re fortified with Diet Coke and Funyuns.)

Again, I know exactly what Carton’s going to say. So do I turn off the shower radio and go my merry way? Of course not. I go into my bedroom, turn on the clock radio, and tune it to WFAN and hear him say exactly what I know he’s going to say. Even though I know it’ll just make me angry.

As I listen and seethe in my bedroom, The Wife walks in, hears that I’m listening to WFAN, and scowls at me. And I feel like a drunk who got caught sneaking a belt of vodka from a secret bottle in his sock drawer.

She reminds me of my resolution, and I give the lame retort that it was okay because Carton was talking about the Mets (even though, as I said, he wasn’t exactly breaking big news). And again, I feel like the drunk who attaches more and more conditions on his teetering sobriety. “Yeah, baby, I know I said I wouldn’t drink no more *hic* but see, it’s okay to drink on a Tuesday cuz it is! *hic*”

Can anyone out there help me with this problem? Seriously. I recognize that I am powerless against my addiction.

Inappropriate Walk Up Music: 03.12.09

santo-shea.jpgFor previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs–although that
certainly helps. They are merely songs that don’t evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20… The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter’s box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* “Footography”, Foot Patrol
My pal Mikey J alerted me to the existence of Foot Patrol a while back. They’re a group fronted by talented blind multi-instrumentalist T.J. Wade. He’s kinda like Stevie Wonder–if Stevie Wonder had a foot fetish and sang about it in every song he wrote. Seriously, Foot Patrol bills itself “the only foot fetish funk band in existence”.

Thing is, their songs honestly rock. So I can totally imagine some baseball player hearing one of these songs and thinking it sounds good enough for his walk up song, without knowing the backstory (although Wade’s lyrics leave absolutely nothing to the imagination). Don’t believe me? Here’s a sample:

According my friend, Foot Patrol burned down the house the time he
saw them in Austin, and the crowd begged for an encore, but they had
exhausted all their original material. So the band came back out and
played a ridiculously good cover of Ozzy Osbourne’s “Mr. Crowley”. Wow.


*
“Nothing Left Inside”, Black Flag
I wanted to pick something from
My War/Slip It In-era Flag, but a most of it is super-aggressive and might actually work as walk-up music. Except for this song. A lot like the PiL tune I picked earlier, I think it would just make everyone in the stadium feel wrong and uncomfortable. And fear for their lives.


* “The Blood”, The Cure
I guess most Cure songs would be inappropriate. But you have to give special consideration to a Spanish-themed anti-Christian song. True story: Once upon a time, when I was a Jehovah’s Witness, all the other teens I knew in the congregation loved The Cure. Figure out that one, if you dare.

We Did It Again…We Did It Again…

If you didn’t get a chance to listen to The Best Show‘s second and final Pledge Marathon Night, first of all SHAME ON YOU. But hey, maybe your kid was sick or your dog was on fire or something. So if you didn’t get to listen to it, Stereogum has an excellent play-by-play for you. And no one says you can’t listen to the show from The Best Show Archives, or subscribe to The Best Show podcast, ya know.

For those of you who did listen, but would like visual evidence to accompany your fahntasies, Stereogum has plenty of pics from the event. Here’s one of my faves: Tom Scharpling in his stellar Judge Smails outfit, with co-host Therese, John Hodgman looking strangely servile, Paul F Tompkins in a Napoleon pose, AP Mike appearing not nearly as creepy as I expected him to, and just in the background you can also see Aimee Mann, Ted Leo and Terre T in their FOT sailor hats.

fotship.jpg

It’s easy to grin, when your ship has come in…