The new Pink Panther movie is a hate crime against:
A) The French nation
B) The memory of Peter Sellers
C) The memory that Steve Martin once made good movies
D) Comedy
E) Humanity itself
Monthly Archives: January 2009
Joe Torre Has Nothing to Do With Joe Torre
Brian, I wanted to call you and clear the air about those book excerpts that have been leaked. The co-writer and I, we employed a literary device called The Third Person. So you see, that’s not me talking in those excerpts; it’s Joe Torre. 
But you are Joe Torre.
No, I’m me. Unless I’m someone other than me, in which case I would be you.
Those are just pronouns, Joe. It doesn’t change the fact that you wrote some pretty awful things in your book.
No, Tom Verducci explained this to me. He’s a writer and he knows all about this kinda stuff. I didn’t write those horrible things, Joe Torre did. Me, I’m just a palooka from Brooklyn who wanted to be a big league manager some day. I’m a good egg, see? But that Joe Torre fella, he’s a real dick. Between you and me, I wouldn’t trust the guy farther than I could throw him.
Half-Hearted Marketing Schemes Theatre Presents…
My place of employ provides free soda. I appreciate this, because I wasn’t doing enough on my own to destroy my body.
Since I’m trying to shed a few lbs, I opt for a diet sodee pop with my lunch. But Diet Coke is a hot item in these parts, so I’m usually left with Diet Dr. Pepper as my only option. Which is fine, because the commercials are true–it really does taste like Dr. Pepper!*
* Which, by the way, has to be the most idiotic ad campaign ever. Wow, it tastes like the thing it says it tastes like! Praise Jesus! Next up, we’re working on steak-flavored steak!
When I first began this job, the Dr. Pepper cans were all emblazoned with the characters from the last Indiana Jone movie. Actually, they must have only had a partial marketing deal, because every can I ever got had Mutt on it. Try to eat lunch with Shia LeBoeuf staring at you. Go ahead, I dare you.
But the Indiana Jones cans ran out, and were eventually replaced with a seemingly generic version. The only difference between this version and a totally unadorned can is a row of laces between the Dr. Pepper logo and the nutritional info.
I literally drank this soda for months before it occurred to me, “Wait, what the hell is this supposed to be?” I can only assume they’re supposed to be football laces, except for two things:
1) They are the fattest, ugliest football laces you’ve ever seen, and
2) There is not a single mention of football anywhere else on the can.
No famous football player. Not even a silhouette of someone doing the Heisman. There’s no football related contest or giveaway or anything. The only things football related at all are the ugly, ugly laces that look more like they belong on some morbidly obese dowager’s corset.
My guess is, the Dr. Pepper people wanted to attach themselves in some way to The Exciting NFL Season. However, not only did they fail to land an NFL endorsement deal, but their creative department was filled with people who had never actually seen a football.
So they went to Modell’s and bought one and brought it back to the office. By that point, a whole half hour had passed and no one was really hot for this idea anymore. Still, they spent like 15 bucks on that football, so they might as well put it to good use.
If you look closely, you can actually see everyone involved in this project losing interest in it.
