STEINBRENNERUS: Have you gotten my first baseman, Seneca?
BRIAN CASHMAN: Um, it’s Brian, but yes, we have signed Mark Teixeira.
STEINBRENNERUS: Bring him forth.
STEINBRENNERUS: Ah, but he’s a strapping buck of a man! Can he perform?
MARK TEIXEIRA: Well, I’m pretty much guaranteed for 30 homers and 100 RBIs every year.
STEINBRENNERUS: Ah, this pleases the Steinbrenner! Yes, he shall provide me hours of amusement! Place him over there with the Sabathia and the Burnett.
I was stuck at a light this morning at the corner of Flushing and Bedford, right behind a minivan of generic American make. The minivan’s rear windshield was emblazoned with two stickers, right at the top of the glass, centered horizontally. They were both of roughly equal size and, based on their positioning, given roughly equal prominence by their owner.
To the left: Jesus Christ wearing a crown of thorns, rendered in silver and black
To the right: Faded Mickey Mouse, one of his arms partially torn.
He’s probably too nice to say it, but I think Jesus would be a little upset by that. And on his birthday, too!
He might also be a little upset by the windows I saw earlier, near the intersection of Flushing and Knickerbocker. The first floor apartment had two windows with messages written in that snowy tinsley stuff whose name I can’t recall.
Left window: MERRY XMAS!
Right window: HAIL SATAN!
GIRL 1: Ooh, Jen’s texting us from her big date.
GIRL 2: He brought her roses!
GIRL 1: That’s sweet! So anyway, my supervisor is such a bitch! She’s always giving me a hard time about…oh, it’s Jen again.
GIRL 2: Did something happen?
GIRL 1: No, she just wanted me to know that he took her to Chez Francois.
GIRL 2: That sounds like a made-up name for a French restaurant.
GIRL 1: Totally. So anyway, my supervisor…oh, for fuck’s sake, what now?!
GIRL 2: Just turn your phone off.
GIRL 1: You don’t know this broad. She will totally call me to make sure I got all of her riveting text messages. And then she’ll tell me the exact same things that are in her text messages. She’s nuts.