Recently in Boob Tubery Category

Who can say what forces shape us? We are the often the prisoners of our times. One's future could be shaped by simply being at the right place at the right time--or the wrong place at the wrong time. Have you ever thought about what might have influenced your life if you were born during a different age? The Renaissance? The Civil War? The Great Depression? Who can say what heights you may have climbed, or to what depths you may have sunk?

Me, I haven't thought about this conundrum much, because I was born during the Age of Advertising, and thus have a miniscule attention span. I've said this many, many times here at Scratchbomb, but I have been immensely influenced by commercials. I feel like they've rattled in my brain my entire life. Anyone who says they are not influenced in any way by ads is deluded or lying.

When you're a kid, you find many things funny that you don't as an adult. Specifically, other people. Adults won't just laugh in random people's faces, but kids will. They can laugh for hours about somebody they see in the street with a weird haircut or dumb hat on. And if the same person also says something weird, in a weird voice, forget it.

I was reminded of this cruel fact of kid-hood when Joe Randazzo of the Onion tweeted a link to this commercial for Polly-O string cheese (the most needless and unasked for food innovation of all time until pancakes and sausage on a stick). This ad ran for roughly 8 billion years during my childhood, but despite its ubiquity, me and my brothers always found it funny. Always.

Why? Because of the wizened old man who says NUTHIN? The way he said this, combined with his wrinkly face--he looks like a slightly melted candle, or a shar pei--was comedy gold to us.



If you're seeing this for the first time, or were not as struck by it as I was as a kid, I don't expect you to think it's funny. I wouldn't either, if I hadn't spent my entire childhood laughing at it.

Watching this ad an adult, I am struck by a few things.

• Check out the odd posters hanging from the wall, that almost give it a Sedelmaier feel. I particularly like the one that bizarrely reads NO SCREAMING.
• The guy behind the counter who yells at the old wrinkly man calls him "Shimmy". Obviously, he was trying to say "Jimmy" and failed. But Polly-O wasn't gonna shell out for more than one take or overdubbing in post. So there it sits, "Shimmy". My brothers and I found this quite hysterical. HIS NAME IS SHIMMY! WHOSE NAME IS SHIMMY?!
  
• Is cheese really the best part of the pizza, as this ad insists? That's a matter of opinion, of course. But I think I'd rather have a whole slice of pizza than any one individual part of it. I like pizza, but I never get the craving to drink a cup of a tomato sauce on its own. In fact, cheese is probably the worst part of the pizza, nutritionally speaking.
  
• I now realize that all Polly-O string cheese really did was make it acceptable for you to chomp down on a huge chunk of fattening mozzarella at lunchtime. It's like having individually wrapped pudding cups filled with foie gras.
• At the end of the ad, the kids taste the string cheese and give it glowing praise in foreign languages. But only the first kid says something in Italian ("Bellissimo!"). The last two say French expressions. ("Magnifique!" and "C'est si bon!") C'mon, Polly-O, you're making mozzarella and you don't know the difference between Italian and French? Your handlebar-mustachioed ancestors are spinning in their graves.
  

FX's new show, Louie, has only aired two episodes, but it might already be the best show on TV. Party Down would've given it a run for its money, but as of yesterday, Party Down no longer exists. (Hey Starz, go zuck it.) I don't mean Louie is the best comedy-starring-a-stand-up-legend, or the best sitcom, or the best show on non-network TV. I feel like it is already better than 98% of anything currently airing on TV, anywhere.

Granted, I had high hopes for this show already, since I am a huge, huge fan of the stand-up of the show's creator/writer/director, Louis C.K. And he also wrote for Conan O'Brien, Chris Rock, and The Dana Carvey Show, so his comedy pedigree could not be higher.

But I also had high hopes for his last foray into sitcomery, HBO's Lucky Louie, and that didn't quite work out. For that show, Louis C.K. wanted to make a modern Norman Lear-type sitcom, with threadbare sets and working class characters. It was an awesome idea, but one that didn't quite make it. I don't know if it was a failure of concept or execution, but it just never clicked into place. I REALLY tried to love Lucky Louie, I really did, but I could never make it past "like". HBO must have agreed, since they canceled it after one season.

That's why I don't believe my judgment is clouded by my feelings about the parties involved, and I can honestly say that Louie is outstanding. It is simultaneously the funniest and darkest thing I've seen on TV in years. It is jam packed with LOLs and has moments of despair as bleak as anything you've seen on The Sopranos or The Wire--often at the same time.

Louis C.K. basically plays himself, a divorced dad of two stumbling his way back into the single world. It also features clips of his stand-up, which as a sort of Greek chorus to the rest of the action, and are easily the funniest thing on the show. That's not a comment on the rest of the show--it's a comment on how Louis C.K. is one of the best stand-up comedians alive. (Video below via Videogum)



I was practically in tears at the last half of this set. And as I laughed, part of me thought, Jesus Christ, why am I laughing at this? Because in pure substance, what Louis C.K. is saying is HORRIFYING. And not in a gross-out way. In a "we're all gonna die and life is meaningless" way.

Just look at it written down: How "the best case scenario" for any relationship is "you're gonna lose your best friend and just walk back from D'Agostino's every day with heavy bags and wait for your turn to be nothing also". Or how bringing a puppy home is saying to your family, "Look everyone, we're all gonna cry soon! I brought home us crying in a few years! Countdown to sorrow!"

The only reason this doesn't sound like a suicide note is because it's presented comedically, in a Comedy Context, so we can all laugh and say, "Yeah, you're right, most things we think are important are really kinda pointless, and when you get right down to it, that's funny."

Ask yourself: When was the last time TV show came even close to saying something like that?

But the non-stand-up segments are amazing, too. One thing this show does extremely well: showing New York in its actual cramped, annoying glory. It's not the Sex and the City New York, but much closer to the real New York, where people live in tiny, shitty apartments and there's traffic and everybody's sweaty and weird.

In the first episode, Louie picks up a girl at her apartment for what turns out to be the most awkward date in the history of time (he shows up wearing a suit, while she prepares to hit the town in a tank top, and it all goes downhill from there). As they're leaving her apartment building, he tries to open the front door for her, but opening the door traps her in one corner of the building's tiny vestibule. He closes the door just enough to let her through, then makes a fumbling attempt to kiss her, made even more uncomfortble the claustrophobic setting. The scene lasted maybe 20 seconds, but it's the most perfect, New York-y scene I've seen in a long time.

Louie is also one of the best directed and edited shows on TV in many years. It's so artfully done, which is amazing considering it's made on a relatively low budget and a tight shooting schedule (see this Onion AV Club interview for full deets). Like the scene in the vestibule, which was shot from above, all in one take, so you could feel just how awkward and interminable that moment felt. He might have been able to wring more cheap laughs out of close-ups and quick cuts, but obviously the feeling he wanted to convey was more important than the laughs-per-square-inch.

To me, that's a sign of maturity. Louie is not needy. It's a show that already knows exactly what it is and trusts that people will understand it.

I can't remember the last time I was so impressed with the first two episodes of anything, and not since Annie Hall has someone so skillfully tread the line between comedy and sorrow. Louie is a work of art, and I think you should watch it if you like things that are amazing.

It's Friday! Procrastinate and countdown to happy hour with these lovely bits!

Louis C.K., one of the funniest dudes out there right now, has a new sitcom in the works (Louie), which will debut in April on FX. Yesterday, I finally saw a brief ad for it. It's not much, but it's enough to get me all a-flutter.



I'm glad that this is coming out now, because his last sitcom (Lucky Louie) was unceremoniously canceled by HBO after only one season. (And yet they keep reordering that piece of bro-garbage, Entourage? What the shit?!) And as this video indicates, that cancellation nearly drove him to a very different career path.



Why do I love Mr. C.K. so much? Because he delves into the darkest corners of parenthood, in excruciating detail. As he does in this clip where he discusses the difference between boys and girls.



Or in this clip, where he talks about the horrible frustration that ensues when your child refuses to eat. YOU'RE ON THE GRID! JUST PUT IT IN YOUR FACE!



And because he also makes delightfully silly videos like this.

It's Friday! Procrastinate and count down to happy hour with these lovely bits!

Several friends of mine on the The Twitter and The Facebook posted a link to this video yesterday. It's British funnyman/commentator Charlie Brooker showing the essential elements needed in any news segment. Though this was done on the other side of the pond, it's clear that such rules transcend borders.


This reminded me, Hey, Charlie Brooker's pretty damn funny! Brooker hosts Newswipe on BBC4 (yes, there's four of them now) and is known for his adept, savage skewering of the media. I know the word skewering is tossed off every time someone takes shots at The Boob Tube, but Brooker's pieces are truly worthy of that adjective. Think of Jon Stewart in his best moments of righteous indignation, but angrier and more Cockney.

Like his take on American news media, pitched at a British audience blissfully unfamiliar with the likes of Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.



Brooker can be just as good when going after less serious topics, as in this clip, where he lists "The 10 Biggest Cocks in Advertising". (Cock = douche, jerk, etc. He's not naming the 10 Biggest Cocks in the Greg Oden sense.) I'm not really familiar with most of these ads, but Brooker tears them apart so well--in ways both clever and silly--that it doesn't matter. Funny is funny.



Or this spot-on (as the Brits say) takedown of MTV's My Sweet 16. "I think this might be an Al Qaeda recruitment video."



Just a brief sampling of the peeved hilarity Mr. Brooker has to offer. You could spend hours watching his collected works on the YouTubes. So go ahead! It's only Friday. C'mon, you checked out of work by lunch on Wednesday, didn't you?

Finally, Aziz Ansari posted a video on his web site that is, no joke, the craziest thing you will probably ever see. I cannot embed it, so you'll have to click there and take my word for it.

The video is an pregame intro for an Alaskan collegiate hockey team, featuring their CGI polar bear mascot. It is not cheap, tossed-off CGI. If anything, this video is a little too well done. I will not ruin any of the madness for you. Suffice to say that, if you took Chuck Norris and The Punisher, and multiplied them by infinity, then multiplied them by INSANITY, they would still look like pussies compared to this polar bear.

We know that our customers have been complaining about our pizza for years. That's why we're taking steps to make Domino's better. And the first step to getting better is to admit you have a problem.

So we'll be the first to admit our food is not the best. In fact, it's pretty horrible. In all honesty, we've served you the worst garbage imaginable for decades. We are not legally allowed to refer to Domino's Pizza as food in 23 states. We wouldn't feed a starving war criminal the swill we try to pass off as pizza. If you knew half the stuff we put in our sauce, you would beat us within an inch of our lives, and no jury would convict you.

That's why we gathered all our test kitchen chefs together to give them all of your helpful feedback. We locked them in a windowless, unlit room and projected that feedback randomly on the walls for 15 hours, while "The Flight of the Valkyries" blared at half speed with extra bass boost from enormous speakers. The cooks came out of this experience with a renewed commitment to excellence, at least the few who weren't driven to the brink of madness.

This brainstorming session also enabled our chefs to tap into some childhood trauma and humiliation that had previously been buried deep within their psyches. And those repressed experiences have provided the inspiration for our brand new menu!

• Try our new buffalo chicken pizza! The improved blue cheese dressing was the brainchild of chef Greg Sanchez, whose mother threw a full jar of mayonnaise at him in frustration when he was only 6 years old. This incident is deeply imprinted on his brain and is probably the source of his frequent, uncontrollable fits of rage. Comes with a free order of mozzarella sticks!
• Who doesn't love the spicy, tangy taste of the Southwest? Chef Marty Bellows doesn't! He's still scarred from when his parents took him to a Mexican restaurant and he accidentally peed his pants, but wasn't allowed to go to the bathroom and dry himself off. He still has body image issues and difficulty trusting others. But we trust you'll love his barbecue chipotle pizza!
• If you like a more traditional pizza, you'll love our improved sauce, made with fresh tomatoes, garlic, cilantro, and other hearty ingredients. It's all thanks to the hard work of chef Denise Russo, or rather her overbearing neat-freak mother, who scolded her when she stained her bedsheets with her first period!

We know you're gonna love our new menu! Because if you don't, we're making our cooks march around the corporate office in their undies!

While we're on the subject of hating the manipulative back-stabbing hack, let's take a trip down memory lane, all the way to last year, when Jay Leno was desperately trying to recruit an audience for his horrible, horrible 10pm show.

Jay Leno Says Watch The Jay Leno Show! (09.09..09)

Jay Leno Would Really Like You to Watch The Jay Leno Show! (09.10.09)

Jay Leno Wants to Know if You're Going to Watch The Jay Leno Show (09.14.09)

Simply put, Jay Leno is one of the most compelling entertainers in the world today. We defy you to think of a more immortal comedy routine than Jaywalking. Iron Jay is perhaps the most beloved character of all time. And when the history of humor is written, the works of Mark Twain and James Thurber will pale in comparison to The Dancing Judge Itos.

Jay Leno is a resource we can not afford to lose. If we don't cater to his every whim, we have to assume he would take his classic cars and race track and march over to ABC or FOX, and take his entire audience with him. We also have to assume said audience includes the tens of millions of Americans currently avoiding his 10pm show in droves.

Therefore, we are reinstating Jay Leno into the 11:35pm slot. His program will run until 7am, preempting the first two hours of The Today Show. But don't worry, Matt Lauer fans. Matt will get his own breakfast-time segment on Jay's show, where Jay and him show you how to prepare eggs from the inside of a 1932 Ford roadster.

But this is only the first phase of our new Jay Leno-based programming schedule. Jay will appear in current the NBC programs Chuck, Mercy, and Heroes. Not in cameo appearances, but as a regular character named Jay Leno, who will deliver monologues at critical junctures during each episode. He will also receive 15 minutes of live airtime during each episode of Parks and Recreation to do whatever he wants. Headlines, Mini-Jay, change sparkplugs on one of his Hudson Hornets--the possibilities are endless!

And there's even more good news, Jay Leno fans! Starting this fall, Jay will star in a new, 90 minute drama, Jay and the Jalopy, in which he and a talking robotic Stutz Bearcat solve mysteries.

As for Conan O'Brien, we had high hopes when we asked him to take over The Tonight Show. However, the ratings have been somewhat disappointing, and we feel these low ratings have adversely affected the audience for Jay's show. It's our theory that people aren't watching Conan, and thus aren't keeping their TVs tuned to NBC throughout the following 21.5 hours until Jay's show is on. There really is no other explanation for people refusing to watch Jay Leno!

However, we greatly appreciate Conan keeping the seat warm for Jay during this past year. And we will recognize that appreciation with a special ceremony in the NBC commissary, where we will give Conan a very nice watch and a gift certificate to Bed Bath and Beyond.

Some may say this strategy is short-sighted, that it ignores the younger, more connected audience that loves Conan and will not watch Jay Leno under any circumstances. To these concerns, we would like to respectfully plug our ears with our fingers and yell loudly LA LA LA WE'RE NOT LISTENING!!

Hey, have you thought about watching The Jay Leno Show? If not, have you thought about thinking about it?

Did you catch my interview with Bob Costas during the Packers-Bears game last night? I even worked in a timely zinger about Brett Favre! Oh, but I kid Brett Favre, of course! That's what the show's gonna be like--we're gonna be right on top of the news!

Wait, you didn't see my interview with Costas? How about the seven billion promos NBC ran over the weekend? No? You don't watch NBC, huh? Well, couldja? Just once, for Jay?

I don't think you understand! This is going to be a comedy show! A comedy show at 10 pm! Do you understand how groundbreaking this is? The answer is: pretty groundbreaking!

Tell you what: Watch it once! If you don't like it, I'll give you your money back! I know what you're thinking: Jay, network TV doesn't cost me anything! Zing! That's the kind of laugh-riot comedy you can expect on my show!

But what if I paid you? You'd have to watch it then, right? You'd have to watch it!

Oh, I know you're going to love this! Did you know NBC built me a racetrack outside the studio? It's true! Sometimes I'll take a few laps out there with awesome celebrity guests! And sometimes we'll flood the tarmac and stage historic naval battle recreations with vinatge cars! Watch this week, when me, Jerry Seinfeld, and a fleet of Hudson Hornets stage the Battle of Trafalgar!

Do you know what we're gonna have? Comedy correspondents! They're gonna go across the nation 'reporting' on the stories that matter to you! No show has ever done that before! At least not at 10 pm on network TV! With comedy!

Who wants ice cream? I'll run out and get ice cream for everyone! Does that sound cool?

Are you excited about Rock Band: Beatles? I'll buy this intern named Jim a floppy wig and he'll play "I Feel Fine"! If you know Jim, it'll be hilarious!

I will do anything! Literally anything! Are there limits to what I'll do? Trust me, you don't want to find out!

We bought one of the world's largest HD monitors, exclusively to project closeups of Jay's Headlines to our studio audience! Isn't that ridiculous? NBC paid for it with all the money they'll save by not hiring writers and directors and actors for whatever they would've shown at 10 pm instead of me!

I can't go out on the road again, folks! It's this or a bath with a toaster! You don't want my blood on your hands, do you? Of course not!

NBC! Proud as a peacock!

Hey guys, have you thought about watching the Jay Leno Show when it debuts next Monday? It's gonna be blast! Guests! Comedy! Things on the news!

Boy, I wish I was on TV right now! Did you see that Obama health speech yesterday? Crazy! Boy, I'd have a few zingers ready for Joe Wilson. Then I'd also have a few for Obama, just to even it out! I like to give it to both sides! I think that's why people like me! I'm fair!

But you should still tune in! We're gonna have so many surprises, you won't believe it! I just got an original user's manual from a 1969 Lotus Super 7 Series 3! And I'll read the whole thing, live on the air!

Watch as I play a hilarious prank on Chuck's Zachary Levi! He'll order a tuna wrap from the craft services truck, but we'll send him a turkey club and insist it's tuna! You'll crack up at as he exhibits mild frustration over the matter!

Did you know when I was in college, I was voted Most Likely To Continue to Exist? It's true!

Thrill as I realize one of my lifelong dreams: drop-kicking a pumpkin across the Grand Canyon! And they said it couldn't be done!

You guys like Twitter, right? If I did something with Twitter, would you tune in then?

We're doing stuff for the troops, too! As soon as the first show wraps, we'll burn it to DVD and send it to one lucky army base in Fallujah! That army base will then send it to another, and so on, until every man and woman in uniform gets to see it! Which should happen some time in 2017!

Adam Levine from Maroon 5 will stop by to restring his guitar--live!

I'm bringing back Iron Jay! But this time, it will be an actual iron statue of me! We'll travel to a working foundry in Youngstown, Ohio to watch it be forged!

Do you like that guy Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs? Me too! If we had him on the show, would you tune in?

You'll love the spin-off of my Headlines segments: Mastheads! You won't believe some of the crazy names these editors have!

It's so cold outside the spotlight, so tune in! If you don't, I'll have to be on the road 290 days a year because I hate my family! Come home to NBC!

Hello, America! This is Jay Leno telling you to watch the new Jay Leno show, which premieres next Monday at 10pm! We're gonna have lots of exciting guests and so many surprises, you won't believe it! 

Remember that car I drove in the commercials for my new show, the racecar with 10 on the side? I'm gonna try and eat it live on the air! It could take me all week! Can the human stomach digest a carburetor? Guess you'll have to tune in to find out!

Join me for Jay's Wacky Pranks! I go down to the Hall of Records and try to legally change my name to Jey Leyneaux. It'll blow their minds! And yours!

Ever seen human chess? You've never seen it like this, played with the Supreme Court justices and the surviving members of the 1979 world champion Pittsburgh Pirates! Will Kent Tekulve be a pawn or a rook? We'll see!

Bring in a homemade casserole and I'll judge it on a scale of 1 to 10!

An old favorite will join us: Joan Embry from the San Diego Zoo! And I'll get up close and personal with a rhesus monkey! What does he do on my shirt? I can't say, but I'll give you a hint: it starts with "P" and ends with "urinate"!

Join me when I take a tour of the Rawlings Golf Center in Reseda, as they hand-assemble my custom golf cart! If you've ever wondered how cup holders are made, wonder no more!

Are you excited about the new hit animated movie Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs? So am I! That's while I'll be throwing hamburger meat from the roof of our studio! If you're lucky enough to be walking down the street at the time, you get to keep up to half of whatever lands on you!

Juggling! I'm gonna learn how to juggle! You guys like juggling, right?

World champion whistler Dave Morris will thrill us with his rendition of Wagner's entire Ring Cycle!

I'll do an entire monologue without using the letter 'e'! Does that sound interesting? What must I do to get your eyes on me?! I need your attention! I'll shrivel up and die outside of the spotlight!

The Jay Leno Show starring Jay Leno! Let's all be there!

A friend of mine recently recommended that I watch Spike TV's Deadliest Warrior, a show in which legendary fighters of the past are pitted against each other. I had misgivings. With its channel of origin and thoroughly violent content, I thought for sure it would be Pure Steakhead Theatre. I could just smell the Axe bodyspray and Rockstar energy drink wafting off of it.

But rather than dismiss the show outright, I decided to give it a shot. I watched it for the first time last night, and I think it might be my new favorite show. This is definitely a show for the Ed Hardy Crowd, but it is also undoubtedly the nerdiest show I have ever seen. The guys on this show make Adam and Jamie from Mythbusters look like quarterbacks.

The show is structured thusly: Experts on a particular warrior class are invited to the studio to demonstrate their respective warrior's weapons, fighting style, armor, etc. The warriors are judged in various areas: long and short range weapons, defensive ability, and so on. For each category, one warrior gets an 'edge'. The true winner is determined using a sophisticated computer program (which, on screen, looked a lot like an Excel spreadsheet), and a fake, very bloody battle takes place that reveals the victor.

From this description, you'd think this show would be eye candy for the Nutritional Supplement Set. And you'd be right. But the warrior experts it features are some of the hugest nerds you will ever see.

We all went to high school with at least one dude who was really into swords, or ninjas, or martial arts. Guys who weren't usually good athletes, but could tell you all about how you could kill a man three times before he hit the ground, or describe how a throwing star was forged in excruciating detail.

Imagine they took all of those guys and gave them a TV show. That's what The Deadliest Warrior is: like Dungeons and Dragons with a cardio workout. The whole show is like one long, hissy cafeteria-table-discussion wherein nerds discuss completely hypothetical fights. "Excuse me, but, ahem, I'm sorry, there is no way a claymore could pierce the shield of an Incan warrior!"

You should watch this show because it's awesome to see a katana chop a ballistics gel dummy in half. And as a bonus, you get to see Fake Samurais trash talk Fake Vikings about the merits of their respective warriors. But trash talk in the highly technical, highly hilarious Nerd Fashion:

"Yeah, I think that war club blow would have turned your tibia into powder."

"Maybe it would have, if I wasn't wearing my double-forged chainmail sleeve, duh!"

Whilst catching up on a DVRed epsiode of Best Week Ever, The Baby had a mild-but-loud freakout. We paused the show at this precise moment so we wouldn't miss any of the hilarity:

But as we tried to calm The Baby down, she saw this screen and immediately erupted into hysterics. She squealed, "Daddy! Monster!" and made the claw motion sort-of displayed by Paul F. Tompkins.

We couldn't restart the show because she thought this screen-freeze was so funny. Every time she saw it, she would laugh with childish fervor and say some variation of "Daddy, funny!" And when she would turn to see the TV screen once more, she'd break into insane laughter, as loud as the first time.

So thank you, Paul F. Tompkins, for making us laugh about weirdly paused screenshots. Again.

Tracey Morgan set fire to his apartment. Or rather, his enormous aquarium did. The enormous aquarium that's home to a shark.

Is Tracey Morgan aware that he doesn't have to act like Tracey Jordan all the time? Or is he just like that all the time?

Chuck Scarborough has been on NBC-4 News my entire life. During that time, I've heard him deliver some ridiculous teasers for 11 o'clock news stories. But last night, I heard the teaser to end all teasers. I seriously heard him say this:

What bikinis really do men's brains: New science at 11!

I swear I could hear a little piece of his soul dry up, break off, and float into the wind.

BOOYAH! Thanks for tuning in to Mad Money tonight! I wanna thank CNBC for keeping me on during their latest round of mass layoffs. I convinced them to let me do the show in via webcam. No lame directors or producers or editors to get between me and the people! Now this show is PURE CRAMER!

First up, wanna hit you with a hot new stock: Barrel and Rubber Suspenders, Inc. This one's going through the roof! Hottest fashion statement going! I gotta feeling this one's gonna go through the roof, just like Consolidated Hobo Bindles did last month!

If you're a more conservative investor, why not try putting your assets in cat food? A little goes a long way! And here's Jim Cramer's tip of the day: Roll it up in a slice of Wonder Bread or squish it between two Export Sodas, then swallow as quick as you can. That'll suppress the ol' gag reflex! 

For you high rollers, I know you're scared about Swiss banks dropping a dime on you. So why not try your mattress! Sure, there's no appreciation, but it's a hell of a lot safer. No Bernie Madoffs in your bedroom.

Here's another tip: If you see Bernie Madoff in the street, kill him. I am totally serious. Murder his ass. Murder it dead.

Dammit, my Hotspot hour's almost up, and there's no way I'm buying another packet of madeleines. Gotta cut Mad Money short tonight. But tune in next week, when I sell socks at a folding table outside Port Authority. It's the hot new franchise!

Pic of Bobby Flay at the Flight of the Conchords premiere event.

Flip through the pics. Every other attendee makes some kind of sense--either they're a cast member or a member of the Funny Ha-Ha community. And then there's Bobby Flay, just there, like a big ginger fish outta water.

My guess is he's there to pitch a show idea to the lads in the band. "Get this: You guys start working at a southwestern fusion restaurant, and you do a song about stuffing a deep-frozen pumpkin with poblano chiles!"

In one episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000, the featured movie is so awful--the legendarily putrid Manos: The Hands of Fate--that Joel and the 'bots are almost rendered speechless by its sheer ineptitude. One long stretch passes where none of them say anything, because there's nothing they can say that will compete with the film's epic failure. After what seems like forever, Tom Servo simply comments, "This movie has certain flaws."

I felt the same way the MST3K scribes must have as I watched the premiere episode of The United States of Tara, the new Showtime series and brainchild of Juno screenwriter Diablo Cody.

The show is nowhere near as awful Manos--few things short of war crimes are--but it is almost as hard to watch. I watched the premiere on Showtime's website, and seriously, I had to pause it every five minutes because I couldn't believe what I was watching. Calling it a train wreck would be insulting to disasters.

Premise: The titular character is a 40-something mom of two with multiple personality disorder. She's like Bruce Banner, except that when she gets all stressed out, she doesn't transform into The Hulk, but one of an array of hilariously costumed "alts" (as her family refers to her other selves). 

I don't know enough about multiple personality disorder to say how someone suffering from it should act, or react, or what would trigger their transformations. But I also shouldn't have to read the DSM-IV to enjoy a show. Thus, I have no problem saying that Tara's transformations are way too broad to be believable.

The first episode shows her as a horny, credit card-stealing teenage girl named T, and a redneck lout named Buck. I won't describe them further, because it's unnecessary. Just let the stereotypical look/mannerisms pop in your head; I'm sure your brain will match them perfectly.

Why did Cody stop at these two archetypes? Why not have Tara think she's Napoleon, or Abe Lincoln, or a frog? It'd be just as plausible, and definitely more subtle.

As a parent, I'm always on the lookout for something that may warp The Baby. Not so much to shield her from harm (apart from the obvious evils), but more to spot True Weirdness that may shape her in the future.

By True Weirdness, I don't mean someone/something that tries real hard to be weird. Some Williamsburg hipster in a handlebar mustache and a Billy Jean pleather jacket does not have True Weirdness. I'm talking about a creative expression so undiluted and genuine that the practitioner has no idea (s)he is being weird. Like some guy who lives in the middle of nowhere and who's never been to a gallery and has no artistic ambitions at all, yet feels compelled to make sculptures out of old mufflers and crankcases.

Sadly, most kiddie fare is devoid of True Weirdness, unless you consider the preternaturally wholesome world of Barney weird. (/thrusts hand up high) SpongeBob Square Pants can get completely insane at times (in a good way), and has plenty of jokes that go way over kids' heads. SpongeBob makes me laugh on a consistent basis, and I like that it provides steady work to Mr. Show alum Tom Kenny. Still, it's hard to call something as popular (and lucrative) as SpongeBob Truly Weird.

There's Yo Gabba Gabba, which is complete audio/visual crack for parents who grew up with Nintendo. And I have to applaud any kids' show that regularly features Rahzel, Biz Markie, and Mark Mothersbaugh. But it also tries very hard to be hip. It succeeds to be sure, but this self awareness keeps it from being Truly Weird.

I have only discovered one Truly Weird kids' show, and it is as strange as anything I've ever seen on television: The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack. It airs on Cartoon Network, and could totally be part of the Adult Swim lineup if it had more pottymouth. But unlike the Adult Swim shows, I don't get the sense that it's trying to be weird. Its simply dedicated to a bizarre mini-universe whose architect has no idea how weird his visions look to the rest of the world.

"Hi, this is Rick Reilly, and welcome to Homecoming, the show where we interview famous athletes in their home towns. Our first guest is Rangers slugger Josh Hamilton, who overcame drug addiction to thrill us all in last year's Home Run Derby. Josh, my first question to you is HOLY SHIT, THERE'S A TIGER COMING RIGHT AT US!!!"

I know how hard it is to start up a network. I mean, not personally. It's not something I've ever done myself. I just imagine that it involves an intense amount of preparation, planning, and elbow grease, on top of the nuts and bolts inherent in running any company. It's hard enough to put one show together, let alone a whole new lineup, and hire brand new studio personalities, producers, camera crew, etc., while also wondering when the soda machines are gonna get delivered.

I realize it takes a while before a new network can find its way and forge a unique vision. I've been watching SNY since it debuted, and those first few months were pretty rough. But hey, look at that lineup now, huh? *crickets*

So I'm willing to cut the brand new MLB Network an enormous amount of slack. I don't expect them to have compelling programming just yet, especially during the baseball free month of January.

I mean, sure, MLB has cracked down on everyone who's ever posted any footage of professional baseball anywhere online, so you'd think that they're sitting on acres of vintage film that they refuse to let anyone else show in any form. And sure, they've had several years since they announced the launch of this new network to digitize all that old film, so they wouldn't have to show the 2004 World Series highlights and last year's playoffs over and over again.

I would like to applaud NBC for their brand new show Superstars of Dance. Not because the show is any good, but because it demonstrates that the network has mastered time travel.

At least I assume they did, and used it to pluck a producer from the 1950s and bring him back to modern times. Because there's no way that any producer born in the last 40 years would take grown-ass men and dress them in such demeaning costumes just because they're from foreigny lands. 

Or maybe they went back to the late 1800s, and got old timey editorial cartoonists to do the costume design. Because all of the judges on this show are forced to wear stereotypical garb from their native land. The audience couldn't possibly enjoy a well-performed dance routine from, say, a Japanese man. No, he must wear a samurai robe and carry a katana at all times!

The Chinese judge wears a saffron Buddhist monk's robe. The Russian judge wears a traditional puffy blouse, like he's gonna start step-dancing with a bottle of vodka on his head any second. I'm pretty sure I saw a Swiss guy in Tyrolean hat, and a Samoan guy in a muu-muu, and an African with those weird neck rings. It's really a spiritual cousin to It's a Small World After All: an attempt at "international understanding" that just betrays the superior, condescending attitude of the perpetrator.

Remember when Michael Richards said some crazy racist stuff a few years back and it ruined his career? Well, if he said anything as racist as this show looks, he would have been stoned to death in the street.

NBC also turned back the clock to get its audience. They must have come from a time before Dancing With the Stars premiered, because these people are simply AMAZED that dancing has returned to television. They must also be blissfully unaware of So You Think You Can Dance, Pants Off Dance Off, Someone Marry My Mom While Dancing, and the roughly 8 billion other dance-reality shows that have aired in the last 5 years.

Or they got their audience from roughly 15 years ago, the last time Michael Flatley was famous and relevant and didn't vaguely resemble Lawrence Welk.

Actually, they probably got their audience from a lot farther back than that. Some time when entertainment hadn't been invented yet. Because these people will apparently applaud anything done in front of them.

Irish step dancing straight out of Celtic Nightmare or some other bullshit diddly-dee PBS special? Yippee! Indian dancing that wouldn't fly in the cheapest Bollywood movie? Huzzah! Some Argentinean chick convulsing in something that barely resembles rhythm? Oh joy!

Kudos, NBC. When you're done raiding the past for inspiration, see if you can figure out that whole "who killed JFK" thing.

You will warp your children. It's an inevitable byproduct of the parenting process, just like how you can't make a hot dog without two or three rat turds finding their way into the mix.

Some warping is a good thing, in the long run. A completely unwarped, innocent child would grow up to be one of those scary, infantile grown ups who's way too into Harry Potter. If you're lucky, you warp your child so that they have a healthy skepticism about The Ways of the World. If you're unlucky, they grow up to collect other people's skin. But in all likelihood, you won't know how you've warped your child for good.

I can trace my own warping--positive and negative--to a lot of things. But I know that parental TV viewing played a major part. Particularly, my dad's fondness for Monty Python. He never forced me to watch it, but it was on in the house often, back in the days when Python was a PBS staple.

I remember liking it a lot when I was way too young to know what I was watching. I had to ask my dad to translate certain Britishisms like pram and lorry and explain allusions to historic events I hadn't learned about yet. But I liked the really weird cartoons, and the fact that in any given episode you'd probably see some boobs (PBS was the best friend to a kid without cable in the 80s).

Was I destined to be a nerd anyway, and annoy the shit out of my friends by repeating sketches they'd never see? Yeah, probably. But the fact that I could recite "The Lumberjack Song" at age 7 definitely sped up the process. Was it my father's intention to bruise my fragile psyche with anagrams and cross dressing? I doubt it. Still, it happened.

HOWIE MANDEL: Welcome back to Is That A Suitcase, America's hottest game show! Sandy here is from Eau Claire, Wisconsin, and she's made it past the Coors Light Cold Round and the Doritos Crunchy Crunch Zone. Now it's time for the Pizza Hut Hot and Cheesy Lightning Round. So far, she has correctly identified SIXTY-FIVE SUITCASES.

/suspiciously thunderous applause/

But you're still far from the finish line, Sandy. Because there are still THIRTY-FIVE of our lovely assistants on the stage, and each of them hold a THING. I will now point to one of these assistants. She will present the THING she is holding, and you have to tell me, IS THAT A SUITCASE?!

SANDY: Oh my God, I'm so nervous!

HOWIE MANDEL: Before you answer, remember: your ability to identify SUITCASES has already earned you several thousand dollars. If you quit now, you can walk away with that money. If you continue, you could lose it all. But you could also win a million dollars AND A FREE SUITCASE!

SANDY: Oh golly! I'm so worn out from identifying suitcases, I don't know if I can identify another suitcase!

HOWIE MANDEL: If you're unsure, there's still time to pull out. Please take a look at your family, who stand here corralled on a tiny platform, cheering you on.

HUSBAND: You can do it, honey! You've been identifying suitcases your whole life!

SON: Do it for the free suitcase, mommy!

HOWIE MANDEL: Sandy--

/pauses thirty seconds/

I need your answer--

/pauses four minutes/

--now.

/pauses for two ice ages/

IS THAT A SUITCASE?!

SANDY: Oh jeez...handle, leather case, three-digit combo lock...gosh, I just don't know! Can I use one of my hint cards?

HOWIE MANDEL: Yes, but remember that if you do, you only have SEVENTY-THREE HINT CARDS LEFT.

SANDY: Only seventy-three? Oh no!

HOWIE MANDEL: After this commercial break: MORE DRAMATIC PAUSES!

*click* 

MARK WALBERG: This is Who Would You Hump? , the most CONTROVERSIAL show on TV! We have our contestant Frank strapped to a lie detector and pumped full of sodium pentathol, so HE CAN NOT POSSIBLY LIE. And now, we will find out his innermost, deepest, darkest, seediest, smelliest, stickiest secrets. I will name some people, and you have to tell me TRUTHFULLY: would you hump them, if there was no way that your wife would find out about it, there would be no adverse consequences for either you or the woman you humped, and you wouldn't feel a shred of guilt about it? First up: Hayden Pannetierre.

FRANK: Yes.

/ding/

MARK WALBERG: The machine says you're telling the truth, but that was an easy one. Next: Maggie Gyllenhall.

FRANK: ...Yes.

MARK WALBERG: You paused a bit. Are you sure?

FRANK: I'm sure, yes.

MARK WALBERG: Did you pause because you were thinking about her brother getting plowed in Brokeback Mountain ?

FRANK: No.

/ding/

MARK WALBERG: Okay, the machine agrees. Next up: Phyllis Diller.

FRANK: Jesus, no.

/buzz/

MARK WALBERG: Sorry, Frank. The machine says you're lying.

FRANK: She's like 90 years old! I don't wanna hump her!

MARK WALBERG: The machine doesn't lie, Frank. So not only do you lose, but you now have to bone Phyllis Diller on national TV.

FRANK: I never agreed to do that!

MARK WALBERG: Gotta read the fine print more carefully, Frank.

PHYLLIS DILLER: I hope Fang doesn't hear about this. HAH HAH!

*click*

HULK HOGAN: American Gladiators is back on the air, brother, and it's hotter than ever! We got 'roided up gladiators, we got insanely overconfident contestants, and best of all, we got ME, the Hulkmeister! Our first contestant is Mark Reynolds from Salinas, California. Oh yeah!

MARK: Thanks, Hulk. Great to be here.

HULK HOGAN: No, man, you gotta jump in and say you're gonna kill the competition.

MARK: Well, I certainly expect to win...

HULK HOGAN: No, you have to literally say you will kill the competition! Murder 'em! Rip off their arms and club 'em to death with 'em!

MARK: I just wanna do my best...

HULK HOGAN: Say you're gonna kidnap the other guy's kids and eat their faces!

MARK: I'm not saying that!

HULK HOGAN: Okay, we'll get a sass-mouth manager to say it for you. Freddie, get in here!

FREDDIE BLASSIE: That pencil neck geek is gonna get what's comin' to him: a mouthful of bloody Chiclets!

MARK: What do I do now?

HULK HOGAN: Take steroids and do a retarded reality show about your untalented kids.

Thanks for tuning in to this week's edition Extreme Makeover: Home Edition . Boy, that sure was an inspiring story. I bet that little girl's plucky battle against diabetes, arthritis, and attention deficit disorder totally made you feel like crap. If so, we're always looking for needy families to help out. If you think you fit the bill, drop us a line or send us an email.

But don't bother to contact us if you're just poor. We don't build houses for people just because they can't afford them. Who do you think we are, Jimmy Carter? We can't build an hour-long narrative around poverty! Plus, you probably deserve to be homeless anyway.

We're looking for families full of heart-tugging tragedy. But make sure you haven't lost your upbeat spirit. We don't put people on TV who are all mopey just because they've been struck with a fatal disease.

Cancer's good. Leukemia's even better, 'cause it sounds scary. If you have cancer and are a veteran, that's great; not a Vietnam vet, though, 'cause we assume they're all drug addicts. If you have a child with a disease that confines him or her to a wheelchair, that's fantastic, especially if the wheelchair has wacky flags and bumper stickers all over it.

You know what'd be great? If we had recently separated Siamese twins! Yeah, and then we'd totally have to build more rooms, 'cause it's like the family just got a new kid. Hey, one of you interns, call up all the hospitals in the state. See if there's any recently conjoined twins out there! C'mon, let's make this happen!

Oh, and while you're at it, call up the maternity wards and see if there's been any kids who were born with a major organ on the outside of their bodies. That shit would be gold!

We'd also like to ask people to stop trying to acquire debilitating illnesses in order to get on the show. We've received reports of people ingesting mercury in the hopes of acquiring a neurological disease. We don't tolerate cheaters on Extreme Makeover , folks. You'll just have to pray and hope the Good Lord sees fit to blight you with a horrible medical condition.

Next week, we build a house for family with a little boy so sick that just hearing about his disease could kill you!

Thanks to The Interweb and roughly eight billion cable channels, even the niche-iest of shows has a chance to find its audience. This was not the case even 10 years ago, when there was very little hope for an offbeat show, unless you expand your definition of "offbeat" to include "Bill Cosby verbally torturing his children". If a show couldn't succeed in the strictly middlebrow world of network TV, it had no future.

Every now and then, a show with a cockeyed view of the world and a bold spirit would sneak onto a network lineup. Such a show would inevitably be either retooled or shuttled around the schedule until it suffered death by underexposure. These kinds of shows were, inevitably, the kinds of shows that I loved as a kid. I was attracted to complete lost causes--the television equivalent of a dog at the pound with one eye, half a tail, and the mange.

Some of the shows I've loved and lost were later lamented, rediscovered, and given a proper DVD release. Thanks in part to the success of The 40-Year-Old Virgin , Judd Apatow's Freaks and Geeks has received the belated acclaim it deserves. There was a great series on the now-defunct Trio network, Brilliant But Cancelled, that highlighted awesome shows like EZ Streets (aka The Sopranos Before The Sopranos ).

There is one show I loved as a kid that has yet to get its day in the sun. I mean, I absolutely worshipped this show. This show should never have been made in the first place, because it had every odd stacked against it from day one. But if it had been come out more recently, I'm convinced that it could have run for 15 seasons or more.

The show was a The Completely Mental Misadventures of Ed Grimley , a Saturday morning cartoon that ran for only one season (1988-89). It starred an animated version of the titular character, voiced by Martin Short. It also featured the voice talents of a few of his fellow SCTV alums Joe Flaherty, Catherine O'Hara, and Andrea Martin. And for an extra dollop of crazy on top, it also featured Jonathan Winters.