I sincerely apologize for any misunderstanding my remarks may have caused. I know I said I served valiantly in Vietnam, when in fact I obtained several deferments and never saw combat. However, when I said those words, I sincerely believed them. Because I suffer from Fictional Character Empathy Syndrome. Whenever I consume some piece of compelling entertainment, be it a movie or a TV show or even a video game, I become so consumed by it that I think I’ve actually lived through it.

Right before I made those remarks, I’d just watched Platoon, which is one of my favorite movies. That explains why I’d make such a blatantly false statement in my speech. It also explains why I dropped to my knees with my fists clenched toward the heavens as Barber’s Adagio for Strings blared out of the PA system.

I’d also like to apologize to anyone who witnessed the speech I gave at an Elks Lodge in Derby last April. The previous weekend, I watched all of Mad Men season 2 on DVD, which explains why I was chain smoking and trying to violently finger each member of the local city council.

I want to thank my wife for sticking with me through this difficult time, just as she did when I saw Casino and tried to crush her head in a vice. I love you because you choose to see the best in me, even though you can not literally see anymore since I popped your eyeballs.

I also want to thank all of the actual veterans gathered on the stage behind me, who have supported me and understand this affliction better than anyone. You are true American heroes. Please stand up so that we all can thank you: Private Ryan, Sgt. Slaughter, Nick Fury, the General Lee, and of course, Master Chief.