Open Letter to Miley Cyrus:
What’s with all this twerking jazz, sweetheart? Trust me, you don’t have to work blue to make your mark in show biz. I’ve kept it clean for 60 some odd years and I’ve done okay, if I do say so myself. Just a little tip from Tony to you. And if you’re up for it, I think we could do a killer duet on “Bess You Is My Woman Now” for my next platter. Whaddya say?
—Tony Bennett
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Open Letter to Tony Bennett:
Miley rulz you old mummy lol
—Justin Timberlake
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Open Letter to JT:
How dare you speak to Tony Bennett like that? He is an American treasure. You’d be lucky to accomplish one scintilla of what this man has done. For shame. Also, you’re not funny and you never will be, no matter how many SNL writers put words in your mouth.
— 2 Chainz
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Open Letter to Mr. 2 Chainz:
I have no idea who you are, but I appreciate your words of support. If you wanna duet on my next album, just name the tune. I will literally sing any song with anybody. I just need to get the new LP in the can before my internal organs turn into dust.
— Tony Bennett
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Open Letter to Mr. Bennett:
I find it deplorable that you would offer to duet with 2 Chainz when you have yet to answer my call to collaborate on a KISS duet album. With your current “great American songbook” schtick, you are severely limiting yourself to the over-70 market. Join Paul on a chorus of “Ladies in Waiting” and I guarantee you will tap into that over-60 market.
— Gene Simmons
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Open Letter to Everybody:
I don’t know anything about this Miley Cyrus business, but if any of you are collaborating with one another on duets and such, you must use me as your drummer. I’ll refer you to HR 1207, signed into law on September 9, 2006, which states that I am the only drummer in rock. Failure to employ me on your next once-off venture will result in swift legal action.
— Dave Grohl
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Open Letter to Mr. Grohl:
BWAAAAH, BUP-BUP-BUP-BWAAAH
G-G-G-G-G-ZHHHHHHH, PEWWWWW, BWAAAAH.
— Skrillex
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Open Letter to Skrillex:
Well done, sir. Your witty rejoinder to Mr. Grohl’s communiqué reminded me of some of the spirited exchanges I once had with a certain Mr. Buckley. I’m so glad to see the epistolary arts revived, and in such a lively fashion.
— Gore Vidal
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Open Letter to Mr. Vidal:
With all due respect to your considerable powers of perception, this puerile feud is nothing like the ripostes we exchanged in days of yore. Also, you are deceased and cannot write letters, open or otherwise.
— William F. Buckley
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Open Letter to William F. Buckley:
You’re dead too, you know.
— Gore
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Open Letter to Gore Vidal:
* decomposes *
— William F. Buckley