Tag Archives: titans

Football

2010 AFC South Preview, by Peyton Manning

With the NFL season about to kickoff, Scratchbomb has asked a few luminaries to give us their takes on the upcoming football season. Next up, Peyton Manning.

peyton.jpgI know what you’re thinking–that’s not fair, how can they ask a player on one these teams to do a preview of the division? But I’m not actually Peyton Manning the quarterback. I’m Peyton Manning the Sony spokesman. The 3D one, not the flat one.

You see, there’s actually several dozen Peyton Mannings, each with its own unique job. For games alone, there are 15 different Peytons. There’s a 30 Yard Bomb Peyton, a Slant Pass Peyton, a Blame the Offensive Line Peyton…you didn’t think one human could do all those things, did you?

And of course, there’s a different Peyton for each product he endorses. Aside from me, there’s the Gatorade Peyton, the MasterCard Peyton, the Sprint Peyton, and a few Peytons reserved for special acting appearances like Saturday Night Live. Just don’t confuse me with the Oreo Peyton. That’s insulting.

To be honest, I’m not the most football savvy of the Peytons. But I’ve picked up a few things from hanging out with the QB Sneak Peyton, and I think I can assess this division fairly and accurately. And in my opinion, the Colts are the team to beat once again.

Never mind the incomparable marketability of the Peyton Manning Collective. Just think about the emergence of Pierre Garcon. He has tons of endorsement potential he’s barely tapped into, both here in the US and in the Caribbean! He could be the gateway to a whole French-speaking audience that’s never been fully exploited yet. And I haven’t even mentioned the possibilities for ruggedly handsome Dallas Clark !

I don’t see who can overtake the Colts for sheer marketing power. The Texans are clearly a team on the rise, but Matt Schaub hasn’t taken that big step forward to take advantage of the commercial opportunities in a big city like Houston. You’re telling me he couldn’t step up his game and do a spot for some oil company if he really wanted to?

Tennessee showed some promise last year, but you have to wonder if the weird controversies Vince Young got mixed up in will dog them again this season. It’s such a shame. Vince was such a dynamic player in college, with so much potential. He could have parlayed that talent into a national ad with Lay’s or Sears, at least. Now he’d be lucky to land a Quizno’s spot. *shudder*

The only team that could possibly challenge Indy is Jacksonville. Football-wise, they’re probably the weakest team in the division. But I see a potential breakout season for Mike Sims-Walker. With an electrifying touchdown celebration like the Choppa City Juke, he could easily get himself a guest spot on Dancing with the Stars. Can’t say that about Andre Johnson!

Gotta split–I’m meeting Justin Timberlake #3 and Toyota Eli Manning for lunch.

Football

Playoff Preview: Ravens at Titans with Ray Lewis

Today, we preview the weekend’s playoff games with a whole buncha celebrity guests. To discuss the exciting Baltimore-Tennessee matchup, here’s Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis, who agreed to talk with Scratchbomb as long as I didn’t broach certain subjects.

raylewis.jpgThis has to be a great season for the Ravens. No one expected you to do anything this year, and now you find yourself one win away from the AFC Championship game. How does that feel?

I always believed that we could cut through the competition in the AFC, ever since training camp, when I saw Joe Flacco firing those absolute daggers down the field.

He’s turned out to be quite a draft steal.

I bet there’s a lot of teams out there who feel like stabbing themselves for passing him up!

That’s a curious turn of phrase, but yes, I would think so. Of course, the backbone of your team remains the defense, with veterans like you and Ed Reed. How do you stay so fresh after so many years in the league?

I don’t know how you can’t stay fresh! This is the greatest job in the world! Every time I go out on the field, it’s like the first time I put on pads. I just wanna go out there and slash that offense to ribbons!

So how do you explain your continued success? Is it a strong work ethic or a rigorous training regimen?

Any success I have in my life, it all comes from my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Through Him all things are possible. When I let Him into my life, it was like I’d been stabbed in the soul with a 13-inch knife. But His knife filled me with love and forgiveness, rather than caused me to bleed to death from my carotid artery.

That’s some curious religious imagery.

Faith is a curious thing. To the faithless man, it may make no sense. But to those who believe, it’s an exhilirating, transcendent feeling. The only thing I can compare it to is, oh, I don’t know, stabbing two guys to death and totally getting away with it.

C’mon, you’re not even trying anymore!

It’s so hard, man, it’s so hard.

SB prediction: Ravens 24, Titans 12.