Tag Archives: super bowl xliii

Football

Thank You, Third-Hand Schadenfreude

I know I said that my New Year’s resolution was to stop listening to WFAN, but consarnit, I’m a weak man. Last week, as I was dropping off laundry, I turned on my car radio and tuned into The Sports Leader. I will note, however, that it was Steve Somers, who is totally allowed under the parameters of my resolution.

However, even The Schmooze gets terrible callers, and on this occasion I heard a real doozy. I can’t remember the guy’s name. Let’s call him Joey from Riverhead. First thing he says to Schmooze is that he’s a huge Cowboys fan–despite having the thickest Lawn Guy Land accent you’ve ever heard. Strike one.

This baffles me. Whenever you listen to WFAN during football season, you will hear guys call in who have clearly never been further west than Weehawken in their entire lives, and yet root for teams that are over the map. I don’t know what’s crazier: that, or the fact that the hosts never call them on it. “Wait, you’re from Yonkers but you call yourself ‘a die-hard’ Dolphins fan. How the hell did that happen?”

Next, he says that he can’t get into the Super Bowl since the ‘Boys aren’t in it, so he can’t wait for pitchers and catchers in a few weeks so he can “start watching god’s other team, the Yankees.” Strike two (pause to vomit before making the call).

I guess that explains his Cowboy fandom. He figures his favorite baseball team is the richest one in its sport with the most entitled, spoiled, arrogant fans. So obviously, he figures he’d pick the football team that fit the same bill.

The capper: he says he’s rooting for the Cardinals because he doesn’t want Pittsburgh to “steal” the crown of having the most Super Bowl rings, a distinction they used to share with the Cowboys before winning Super Bowl XLIII.

Strike three, you are the worst human being ever.

So while I had no vested interest in the outcome of this year’s Big Game (c) (r), other than wanting it to be a good game for once, part of me rooted for the Steelers. Because with a Pittsburgh win, I could imagine this guy slumped in his rec room chair, crying bitter, bitter tears, then flying into a rage and tearing down all of his Cowboy memorabilia that says MOST RINGS EVER. Because you know he had like five posters that said that. And 6 commemorative plates. And several sets of Franklin Mint coins and Liberian-issued stamps with Roger Staubach and Troy Aikman on them.

So thank you, Steelers, for making that dream a reality.

Football, Politics Schmolitics

Useless Super Bowl Predictions: John Boehner

I wanted to get some Super Bowl predictions from football experts, but then I realized that  football experts tend to be horribly, horribly wrong most of the time. So instead, I decided to think beyond the usual expert parameters and ask some other types of people for their takes on the big game. Our next guest is Congressman John Boehner (R-OH), House minority leader.

boehner.jpgWho did Obama pick? The Steelers? Then I’m going with the Cards.

You guys are going with the Cards, right? I don’t wanna see no Republicans picking the Steelers or so help me, I’ll sic Rush Limbaugh on you! Don’t think I won’t!

Football

Useless Super Bowl Predictions: Ian Svenonius

I wanted to get some Super Bowl predictions from football experts, but then I realized that  football experts tend to be horribly, horribly wrong most of the time. So instead, I decided to think beyond the usual expert parameters and ask some other types of people for their takes on the big game. Our next guest is Nation of Ulysses/Make-Up/Weird War frontman and talk-show host Ian Svenonius.

iansvenonius.jpgI care not for the opiate of professional sports. It is just one limb of the vast and multi-tentacled corporate puppet casting its shadow across this nation.

“Fan-dom” is but a masturbatory, nay, necrophiliac exercise. I care only for the destruction of nostalgia, the shakedown of the great zombie that is America.

Let the walking dead engross themselves with this contest. Let the snackers gorge themselves upon winged treats and corn-based amnesia. They see nothing in our pursuits, nor should they.

I will focus on those bold and hopeless citizens, intoxicated with riddles, smashing idols, driving the money-changers from the temple. We shall array ourselves in finery of our choosing. We shall strike their names from the history books, and begin a glorious new reign in The Year Zero.

And if you can get Cards +6.5, you’d be nuts not to take Arizona.