Tag Archives: steelers

Thank You, Third-Hand Schadenfreude

I know I said that my New Year’s resolution was to stop listening to WFAN, but consarnit, I’m a weak man. Last week, as I was dropping off laundry, I turned on my car radio and tuned into The Sports Leader. I will note, however, that it was Steve Somers, who is totally allowed under the parameters of my resolution.

However, even The Schmooze gets terrible callers, and on this occasion I heard a real doozy. I can’t remember the guy’s name. Let’s call him Joey from Riverhead. First thing he says to Schmooze is that he’s a huge Cowboys fan–despite having the thickest Lawn Guy Land accent you’ve ever heard. Strike one.

This baffles me. Whenever you listen to WFAN during football season, you will hear guys call in who have clearly never been further west than Weehawken in their entire lives, and yet root for teams that are over the map. I don’t know what’s crazier: that, or the fact that the hosts never call them on it. “Wait, you’re from Yonkers but you call yourself ‘a die-hard’ Dolphins fan. How the hell did that happen?”

Next, he says that he can’t get into the Super Bowl since the ‘Boys aren’t in it, so he can’t wait for pitchers and catchers in a few weeks so he can “start watching god’s other team, the Yankees.” Strike two (pause to vomit before making the call).

I guess that explains his Cowboy fandom. He figures his favorite baseball team is the richest one in its sport with the most entitled, spoiled, arrogant fans. So obviously, he figures he’d pick the football team that fit the same bill.

The capper: he says he’s rooting for the Cardinals because he doesn’t want Pittsburgh to “steal” the crown of having the most Super Bowl rings, a distinction they used to share with the Cowboys before winning Super Bowl XLIII.

Strike three, you are the worst human being ever.

So while I had no vested interest in the outcome of this year’s Big Game (c) (r), other than wanting it to be a good game for once, part of me rooted for the Steelers. Because with a Pittsburgh win, I could imagine this guy slumped in his rec room chair, crying bitter, bitter tears, then flying into a rage and tearing down all of his Cowboy memorabilia that says MOST RINGS EVER. Because you know he had like five posters that said that. And 6 commemorative plates. And several sets of Franklin Mint coins and Liberian-issued stamps with Roger Staubach and Troy Aikman on them.

So thank you, Steelers, for making that dream a reality.

Up the Middle with Skitch Hanson: The Keys to the Keystone State

Scratchbomb hands over the reins to nationally syndicated sports columnist Skitch Hanson, as we’ve done many times before. You may know him as the author of the highly popular syndicated column “Up The Middle.” You may also have read his best-selling book I Liked It Better When Home Run Hitters Drank Like Fish. He’s also a frequent guest on ESPN’s sportswriters panel show 4th and Forever. Without further ado, here’s Skitch.

Within the week, we could witness something truly historic. Something that people have been waiting for, hoping for, some even praying for, for years. Centuries, even. And when that moment happens, I will stand and applaud with my fellow Americans, maybe choke back a tear, and wonder what wonders the future holds for all of us.

Of course, I’m speaking of the possibility of an all-Pennsylvania Super Bowl.

Some people like to think of how far we’ve come, but I wonder why it’s taken us this long. Do you realize that before this weekend, two Pennsylvania teams had never even made the semifinals of any major professional sport at the same time? That is a shame our nation must live with.

Continue reading Up the Middle with Skitch Hanson: The Keys to the Keystone State

Playoff Preview: Chargers at Steelers with LaDainian Tomlinson

Today, we preview the weekend’s playoff games with a whole buncha celebrity guests. To discuss the exciting San Diego-Pittsburgh matchup, here’s Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson.

First off, are you feeling okay? Right now, there’s still some question about your availability for the game in Pittsburgh. Groin injuries would be bad for any running back, and especially for your type of game. Can you be 100 percent effective this weekend?

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/watches own breath fog and crystalllize

Alright, we don’t have to talk about that. But it has to be frustrating to be injured during the playoffs for a second year in a row. You work hard all season, and it’s like deja vu all over again. You must feel down sometimes. How do you work against that and get yourself pumped up for this game?


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Okay, let’s just drop the injury talk altogether. Assuming you do play, you can’t be looking forward to playing against that tough Steeler defense. Do you think your offensive line can open up some holes for your to do your thing? Or do you think the new threat of Darren Sproles will allow you to go unnoticed and sneak up on Pittsburgh?


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I get it, you don’t wanna give away any secrets. Here’s a fun question: You’ve been one of the best fantasy players for the past few years. I mean, there’s not a lot of players out there who can run, catch and throw touchdowns! Would you pick yourself first in a fantasy league?


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/adjusts shoulder pads
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Last question: Are you LaDainian Tomlinson or the Ghost of Christmas Future?

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/extends bony finger from droopy sleeve.

SB’s prediction: Steelers 17, Chargers 9.