Tag Archives: spam

Interweb

A Presentation of Upsetting Spam Theater

I usually comb through my email spam folder before emptying it, on the off chance I will find either non-spam correspondence or something hilarious. Like the time I received a plea for help from someone named GRISEL CHONG.

Last week, while doing just such a combing over, I found an email with this extremely upsetting combination of “sender” and subject.

Naturally, I clicked on the email and found nothing more than enticements for cheap boner pills. This forced me to Google “Tim Russert sex scandal”, and guess what? There was, as far as any one knows, no sex scandal involving the sadly late Meet the Press host. But if you start typing in “Tim Russert” in your search window, chances are one of the top ten auto-fill choices will be “Tim Russert sex scandal”.

Thanks a lot, spammers. It’s not bad enough you have to litter my inbox, but you have drag a good man’s name through the digital dirt, someone who can not respond? May God have mercy on your robot souls.

Politics Schmolitics

Promoting Political Involvement through Cheese

On a daily basis, my email inbox is polluted by messages whose presence baffles me. For instance, I receive an email from CMJ every single day. That is not hyperbole–every single day. Not only have I never purchased a copy of CMJ, but I’ve never attended any show as part of the CMJ Fest, or even put the letters C, M, and J together until today. I haven’t the slightest idea how I wound up on their mailing list, but I am definitely on it, because not a day goes by that I don’t get some missive about how I only have three days/two weeks/four hours to register for some event of theirs. I don’t bother to write back and say REMOVE because by this point, I find it more amusing than annoying.

Similarly, I get at least one email a day from a Democratic politician or pundit. The origin of this is less mysterious: I went to some Kerry meet-ups way back in the heady days of 2004 and made the mistake of giving my email address at one of them. So for the rest of my life, I will check my email first thing in the morning and see at least one message from James Carville or J.B. Poersch.

They’re the kind of emails you can see in your inbox from across the room, because the subject line is usually in all caps and consists of one angry word like OUTRAGE! Normally, they go straight in the trash unread. After years of receiving these screeds, I suffer from Outrage Fatigue. I contribute enough time and money to Important Things that I don’t feel bad ignoring these appeals.

Then yesterday, I received an email from Chuck Schumer, New York’s senior senator. He is a frequent OUTRAGE!er, and his emails usually wind up in my recycle bin. But the subject line of this one caught my eye.

cheddarbomb.pngKudos to you, Senator Schumer. An email with the subject CHEDDARBOMB is an email I will read.*

You see that, political fundraisers? Put a food and a percussive verb together that normally have zero relationship with one another, and you’ve hooked me. Here are some humble suggestions for future subject lines:

  • PUDDINGSLAM!
  • SALMONCRUSH!
  • SANDWICHBRUISE!
  • CUTLETSTOMP!
  • ZITIPUNCH!

* In case you’re curious, the email was Chuck trying to stir up donations for Senator Feingold of Wisconsin. Normally this is called a moneybomb, but Wisconsin? Get it?
Interweb

“Frankly, I Expected Better From Johnny the Scumbag…”

Seriously, malicious spam-bots, is this the best you can do?

hallmark_spam.jpgNice Photoshop job on that E-CARDS tab. I think I can see the wires holding it in place. And those links don’t look suspicious at all, the way they end in .EXE. You know, the way no URL in the world does.

I am very disappointed in all of you data-mining identity-robbers. Get on the stick! Those suspicious nutritional supplement charges aren’t gonna wind up on other people’s credit cards all by themselves!