Tag Archives: sarah palin

The Self-Delusion Express Rolls On!

The tweeting of James Urbaniak (aka Dr. Venture) alerted me to this tweet from the soon-to-be-ex-governor of Alaska. For the full effect, I think you need to see how this tweet looks all by itself, standing alone in all its glory.

palintweet.jpgYes, the work ethic is certainly there in Alaska. Ain’t no quitters in Alaska! Except for maybe one repeat offender.

There are amoebas with more self-awareness than this broad. The only three things in this creep’s universe are Me, Myself, and I. She’d plunge herself into a pool of toxic waste if it got her three extra minutes of news coverage.

And just take a look at that wallpaper. Somewhere there is a “Footprints” poster with no background. I think that scene comes from Microsoft Clip Art; search for “Decorative Plate”.

If you really want a scare, read Todd Purdum’s Vanity Fair article on this monster, and think about how close we came to her being one heartbeat away from the presidency. We dodged a bullet, folks. A proudly ignorant, narcissistic, sociopathic bullet.

Tortured Transparent Sports Metaphors with Sarah Palin

palin2.jpgI’m struggling to find the right words to express how I feel about my resignation. Because words have never really been my friends. You know who likes words? The liberal media elite. They’ve always been big on words and sentences and paragraphs. They’ll never understand the solid American people that I know, people who talk to each other with handshakes, or grunts, or a series of shrugs and punches.

But if I have to use words, let me use the kind of words that real American people understand: sports words!

A lot of people wonder why I’m resigning. Well, just imagine you’re a point guard. And by “you”, I mean “me”.  You’re naïve if you don’t see the national full-court press coming right at you. A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket, and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can win. I know when it’s time to pass the ball–for victory!

Granted, a point guard usually helps her team by passing the ball and staying in the game, instead of taking the ball and going home. My point is, by resigning, I’m keeping my eye on the ball that represents sound priorities: smaller government, energy independence, national security, freedom! And also, America, and flags, and freedom.

I don’t know if I’m really getting my point across. Let’s extend this idea. Imagine you’re an awesome, all-world point guard for a terrible team in some podunk town. The kind of place where the only exports are moose meat and meth. You know you could do some great things for a team in a big, flashy city where you can shop til you drop and have cosmos with the girls every night. If only you could get out of that rotten one-horse town!

Plus, you’ve been bitching about this horrible team and its ass-backwards city for a while, and all of the brain dead hicks who used to love you and begged your team to draft you suddenly think you’re a total diva who might have mental problems. So your value drops the longer stick around in this god-forsaken place.

Does this sound like a fair scenario for an all-star fox like me? No, of course not! The world should be this point guard’s oyster–literally! I mean, what’s a promising young Republican point guard to do?

You do what I do: say you’re gonna retire from point guarding. That way, the nasty liberal media stops doing its full court press, and after you’ve been away for a while, all those hockey moms and Nascar dads will remember why they liked you in the first place. And you get to play for any city you like! Even President City, god willing!

In conclusion, my still-fellow Alaskans, don’t think of this as me resigning. Think of this as me looking for a new free agent contract that reflects my true level of talent. In my heart, I’ll always belong to Alaska. You know, like how LeBron James will always belong to Cleveland, even though we all know he’ll wind up on the Knicks sooner or later.