For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up
music.

These are not necessarily bad songs–although that
certainly helps. They are merely songs that don’t evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20… The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter’s box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* “Fabulous Muscles”, Xiu Xiu
Hat tip to jbissel at the Friends of Tom forum for this suggestion. I totally forgot Xiu Xiu existed, and how annoying and fey Jamie Stewart’s voice is. He makes the guy from Antony and Johnsons sound like Henry Rollins. I want to find this song and give it an atomic wedgie. It’s so wimpy, I think I lost some muscle mass just listening to it.

* “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)”, Rupert Holmes
Also suggested by jbissel. Not only is this 70s relic inappropriate as walk-up music, but it also gives me a convenient excuse to post video of Joel and the Bots debating its merits.

* “Spirit of the Radio”, Rush
I try to be open-minded and not make snap judgments in re: people’s taste. However, there are certain bands that, if you profess to enjoy them, I have no problem immediately judging you. Say you like The Dead, I assume you smell like patchouli. If you say you like BrokeNCYDE, I assume you smell like Axe body spray and have had a lobotomy. If you say you like Rush, I assume you’re familiar with the business end of a 100-sided die.

This song is no better or worse than any other Rush song. And it’s not a bad song per se–I saw Ted Leo do a live, solo version of it at Tinkle years ago that almost made me like it (then again, Ted Leo’s the kind of guy whose musicianship and enthusiasm make you like anything he covers; dude could cover Metal Machine Music and I would hum it on the way home).

But this song has the all the hallmarks of musical nerd-dom, i.e., complication for complication’s sake: inscrutable lyrics, different sections shoe-horned together, and Neal Peart hitting every fucking drum head just because he can. It’s the soundtrack to a fierce Dungeons and Dragons session.

I should note that one of my favorite Mets of all time, Jon Olerud, used to come to bat to “Tom Sawyer”. But Jon Olerud is bulletproof in my book. Dude probably goes to bed in a batting helmet to this day.