CHRIS BERMAN:
Boomer here, barking atcha for another slam-dangle, froo-farah,
mama-say-mama-sha-mama-kusah edition of NFL Countdown LIVE! Or whatever
the hell we’re calling it now. There’s a full slate of roast-’em
tenderize-’em down-ya-go action this Sunday, but rather than focusing
on all the exciting matchups, we figure our audience would rather watch
ex-players in suits scream at each other. The big battle this week is
happening in foxy Foxboro, Taxachusetts, where the Ponies gallop in to
take on the Patriot Act. Of course, my question has no real answer, and
one could make a case for either side depending on personal
preferences. So let’s debate it as if it’s a friggin’ North Korean
nuclear summit. Who is the better QB, Peyton “Place” Manning or Tom
“Three Times A” Brady?


MICHAEL IRVIN:
I wanna tell ya Chris, [unintelligible] Colts [garbled] not T.O.’s
fault [possibly Sanskrit] “White House” [still garbled] so that wasn’t
my pipe, know what I’m sayin’?


RON JAWORSKI:
You’re right, Boomer, there really is no answer here. Manning and Brady
are both excellent quarterbacks. Manning is a more gifted athlete, of
course, but Brady has the rings, so…

MIKE DITKA:
Ron, allow me to interrupt you and completely dismiss you as a human
being. The NFL is about winning, unlike all other sports leagues. Brady
has won three Super Bowls, while Manning’s barely won any playoff games
at all. Until Peyton can capture as many championships as Brady, he’s a
worthless piece of shit who should thank whatever horse-headed pagan
god he believes in that I haven’t killed him yet.

BERMAN:
So Coach “I Know What You” Ditka “Last Summer”, you’re saying that Tom
“A Very” Brady “Christmas” is vastly superior to Peyton Manning “The
Torpedoes”?

JAWORSKI:
By your logic, Jon Kitna is a much better quarterback than Peyton
Manning simply because he rode the Ravens’ defense to a Super Bowl ring.


DITKA:
The ring proves it. In this league, jewelry trumps natural ability.
Brady’s Pats could lose 85-0 to Manning and Colts, and Brady would
still be the better QB in every way.

JAWORSKI:
Just so I’m clear, you just said,using your brain and your mouth, that
Brady could lose to Manning badly, like he did last year, but still be
better than him. [shakes his head violently]

IRVIN:
I wanna tell you, you wanna talk about the championship bling, Brady’s
got it. [grumbling, throat clearing] interception [ancient incantation
that almost awakens a demon] mink coat [an car engine backfiring] It’s
snowin’ backstage, you feel me?

BERMAN:
For the record, I think that Peyton “A” Manning “For All Seasons” is
better than Tom Brady “Brook Farms Turkey”, because saying so allowed
me to use two more wacky nicknames.

JAWORSKI:
Of course you can make the argument that Tom Brady is one of the best
“field general” quarterbacks of our era. But the debate is less clear
cut when you consider…


DITKA:
No no no no, I will not waffle on this issue. You are dumb and wrong
and you used to play for the Eagles and you’re wrong. Peyton Manning
will never be better than a piece of dog shit stuck to the bottom of my
shoe–unless and until he wins the next seven Super Bowls on one
last-second Hail Mary pass that also somehow rescues a little girl from
a burning building.

IRVIN:
They gonna be some Patriot Games up in Foxboro, you feel me?
[irrecoverable error, some data may be lost] Cleveland steamer [static
between radio stations] y’all remember that group EPMD?

JAWORSKI: Jesus fucking Christ, are all of you people retarded?

TOM JACKSON : I’m not, Jaws. I just wanted to come on the air and say that Tiki Barber is dead to me. You hear that, Unibrow?

BERMAN:
Okay, when we come back, another useless, unresolveable debate: Is this
the week that we finally make a passer out of Michael Vick “Of It All”?

IRVIN: Ron Mexico!


DITKA:
The point of being a quarterback isn’t to pass–it’s to win ballgames
for his team, and Michael Vick always does that, except when he
doesn’t. Even when the Falcons lose, he helps his team win.

JAWORSKI: [swallows arsenic tabet]