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Baseball

Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2011 MLB Preview: NL East

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ATLANTA BRAVES

2010 record: 91-71, won wild card, lost division series to Giants

Biggest offseason acquisition: Dan Uggla, whose last name perfectly describes his powerful home run swing. And his fielding.

Biggest offseason loss: Closer Billy Wagner, now retired. Fuckin’ shocker.

How will the Braves deal with their first season without Bobby Cox since 1990?: Thanks to their talent and new manager Fredi Gonzalez, the team will be more than fine. I’d be more worried about Mrs. Cox.

Best name on 40-man roster: Jairo Asencio. You want white sauce and hot sauce with that?

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: Scott Proctor, who still has something resembling a human arm left after working in a Joe Torre bullpen.

Spring standout: Brandon Beachy has pitched to a 1.13 ERA, assuring himself the fifth spot in the rotation and many dumb puns on his name from headline writers.

Probable Opening Day starter: Tim Hudson, who continues to piss me off for reasons I can’t quite articulate.

Biggest question for 2011: Can the Braves challenge the Phillies for the division title, and if so, will anyone in Atlanta notice?

Strengths: Good young bullpen, lack of crowds at playoff games lessens pressure

Weaknesses: Chipper Jones running out of creative ways to end his season

Semi-serious assessment: As you get older, your hates fade. The white-hot rage I once felt toward the Braves has dissipated almost entirely. It helps that only one figure from the 1990s/2000s team remains (LAAAAA-REEEEE). But it’s also due to them having a team of mostly-home-grown regulars like Brian McCann and Jason Heyward who are much harder to hate than Brian Jordan and Greg Maddux ever were. That extends to the bullpen, which contains a lot of great young arms like Craig Kimbrel and Chris Medlen, with not a John Rocker in the bunch (that I know of). I foresee another wild card in their future, and if the Phillies’ injury woes continue, a division title is not as insane an outcome as it looked this winter. But do humanity a favor and lose the Tomahawk Chop, wouldja?

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Baseball

MLB Playoffs YouTubery: Phillies

To celebrate the advent this year’s MLB playoffs, which I am looking forward to with rapt anticipation (no, really), I’d like to do a few posts featuring YouTube finds representing each team that’s made their way to October. Next, the Phillies.

To this day, when I think of the Phillies, the first person I think of is Mike Schmidt. After all, he was one of the greatest third basemen to ever play the game, and also owner of the best 80s baseball mustache this side of Keith Hernandez. Schmitty was the quintessential Reagan-era slugger. So naturally, he made a commercial for Chevy where he tries to beat the shit out of trucks with his bat.

But Mike Schmidt also cared about you. Yes, you. That’s why he did this PSA against cocaine, aka “The Big Lie”. This commercial is so harshly, angular-ly lit, I think David Fincher was involved.

Remember computers? I sure do! This ad promotes an odd Veterans Stadium promo from 1986: a computer simulation of the 1977 Phillies vs. the 1983 Phillies, sponsored by IBM. Apparently, the simulation results were aired between halves of a Phillies-Pirates doubleheader. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think this was something dreamed up by Philly Boy Roy as an opener to an evening of Laser Allin.

Also from 1986: this compilation of Phillies promos that look like they were directed by Tim and Eric and edited with a machete. I keep waiting for Dr. Steve Brule make an appearance.

But let’s leave a wistful note, shall we? Here’s a rare, beautiful find: color home movie footage of the first game of the 1950 World Series between the Phillies and the Yankees at Shibe Park, taken by the drummer of the band that played before the game. It’s an exquisite time capsule. You see the “Whiz Kids” playing toss, fans getting psyched for the game, and, eventually, the Yankees beginning their assault, en route to a four-game sweep.

Baseball

Nathan Thurm Charlie Manuel Explains Himself

nathanthurm.jpgCharlie, what do you say to accusations that your team has been stealing signs?

I’d say that those accusations…I’d have to see who was doing the accusing before I rushed to any judgment.

Your team was formally reprimanded by the commissioner’s office for stealing signs. This complaint I have here…

I know what that is.

Let me finish, please. This complaint I have here was lodged by the Rockies after they spotted your bullpen coach using binoculars to try and steal signs from their catcher. What do you have to say about that?

Yes, the Phillies have been stealing signs. Don’t you think I know that? It’s my team. I’m quite aware of that!

And this is not the first time the accusation has been lobbed at your team. The Dodgers complained about sign stealing during the last NLCS, and the Mets suspected sign stealing during their last series in Philadelphia.

How about this: The Mets have won a lot of games at home and not so many on the road. Have you ever thought that maybe they’re stealing signs? Why don’t you go ask them about that?

Even though they just lost two out of three at home to the Nationals.

Maybe you’re stealing signs. Have you ever thought about that?

I don’t manage a baseball team.

Why does it have to be a manager of a baseball team who steals signs? Have you ever thought about that? It’s not me, right? It’s him, isn’t it?