Tag Archives: patriots

Football

Bill Belichick: GOTOPressConference

belichick_PC.jpgCoach, the Patriots didn’t put up any points at all in the second half, and they were limited to three field goals in the first half. Was that due to the Jets’ defense, or is Tom Brady still rusty?

They have a good team no doubt. They have some players on that team, and those players executed.

Coach, did you feel your team was sufficiently prepared to play the Jets this week, or did your players maybe take this game for granted?

Our players always come to play. We don’t take any opponent for granted. This team needs to execute.

Coach, even though Julian Edelman had a good day, do you think the absence of Wes Welker hurt the Patriots?

Everyone who played came here to play, and that is why sanitize on the pancake drip.

Huh?

Salmon fish stain curbstone Archuleta.

Patriots PR Man: Sorry, folks. We just upgraded his operating system, and it’s a little buggy.

BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME

Patriots PR Man: Here, let me try force quit…

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO QUIT ‘BELICHICKOTRON-2003’?

Patriots PR Man: Yes. Ugh, I hate this. Just watching the little CPU Usage register…I hope the file recovery feature works this time.

YOU CHOSE TO QUIT THE PROGRAM. DO YOU WANT TO SEND AN ERROR MESSAGE?

Patriots PR Man: No. Does anybody read those things? Now, let’s see if this works…

EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

Patriots PR Man: Oops, had it set on Dalek. Okay, here we go.

Execute. Execute. We need to execute. And also execute.

Patriots PR Man: There, back normal. Let me know if his casing gets too hot. Sometimes the hooded sweatshirt blocks his vent and he gets overheated.

Football

Up the Middle with Skitch Hanson: A Date with Density

Today, Scratchbomb hands over the reins to nationally syndicated sports columnist Skitch Hanson, as we’ve done many times before. You may know him as the author of the highly popular column “Up The Middle.” You may also have read his best-selling books “What I Really Meant Was… ” and “The Top 100 Lists of Top 100 Sports Lists “. He’s also a frequent guest on ESPN’s sportswriters panel show Who’s the Loudest? Without further ado, here’s Skitch.

Last year’s Super Bowl pitted two black coaches against one another for the first time, and in so doing, completely eliminated all traces of racism from our country. This Sunday, we will witness another clash, one even more historic: a clash of destinies.

I asked a prominent scientist who asked to remain nameless, how do you determine which team’s destiny is greater? How do you measure the surface area of fate? What is the body mass index of karma and kismet?

He told me that all of these things are ephemeral concepts and therefore immeasurable. So I asked him, about the teams’ density ? That sounds like “destiny”. You can measure that, right?

Continue reading Up the Middle with Skitch Hanson: A Date with Density →