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The Parallel Universe Fake Mets

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets: Games 10-12

pufm_010.pngGame 10: Cardinals 4, Mets 2 (10)
Fake Jason Bay and Fake Ryan Ludwick each hit two solo homers to account for all the scoring in regulation, and Fake Carols Beltran made a leaping catch at the center field wall to rob Fake Albert Pujols of a round tripper. But Fake Kelvim Escobar surrendered a walkoff two-run dinger to Fake Colby Rasmus in the bottom of the tenth.

In real life: Oliver Perez turned in a stunningly good performance (given his history and the opponent), shutting out the Cardinals through six-plus innings. But when he walked the leadoff batter in the seventh, Jerry Manuel inexplicably turned to Fernando Nieve and Raul Valdes to protect the lead. One Felipe Lopez grand slam later, St. Louis had all the runs they needed. The Mets scratched out two runs in the ninth to make things interesting, but fell short.

Game 11: Cardinals 2, Mets 1 (12)
Fake Johan Santana limited the Fake Cardinals to one run in seven innings, while Fake Chris Carpenter took a no hitter into the seventh before surrendering leadoff single to Fake Jose Reyes and an RBI hit to Fake Carlos Beltran. The Fake Mets almost went ahead on a Fake Jason Bay double in the top of the tenth, but somehow Fake Beltran was thrown out trying to score from first (again, every opposing outfielder in this game has a cannon for an arm). For the second straight game, the fake Cardinals won on a walkoff hit, this time a Fake Jason LaRue RBI single.

In real life: In a game that may have set back baseball 100 years, a pitcher’s duel between Johan Santana and Jaime Garcia devolved into a hitter’s fail-off. The game remained scoreless for 18 innings, as the Cardinals turned aside numerous opportunities and the Mets failed to mount any. New York took a brief lead in the 19th inning on a Jeff Francoeur sac fly off of Joe Mather (a position player pulling a Matt Franco), then saw Frankie Rodriguez give it back up on a Yadier Molina RBI single (to be fair to K-Rod, he’d already thrown 100 (!) warmup pitches over the course of 10 innings). A Jose Reyes sac fly in the 20th gave the Mets another lead, and emergency closer Mike Pelfrey made it stand up. And for as much as I dislike Jerry Manuel, I have to concede I’ve never seen him commit managerial errors half as dumb as the crimes perpetrated by Tony “LOOK AT ME MANAGE” LaRussa in this game. (Although even he would not dare hit Matt Holliday in the leadoff spot, as his fake doppelganger does for some reason.)

Game 12: Cardinals 3, Mets 2 (12)
The Fake Mets broke through against Fake Adam Wainwright, thanks to RBI hist from Fake Jeff Francoeur and Fake Josh Thole. Fake Mike Pelfrey was masterful through the first 7 innings, striking out 11, until faltering in the eighth and giving up a run. Fake Francisco Rodriguez got the first two batters in the bottom of the ninth, then gave up three hits in a row to knot the game at 2. More futility followed on both sides, until some more two-out magic occurred in the bottom of the twelfth. Two singles were followed by a game-winning hit by fake Albert Pujols (his first in the series), and the Fake Mets had been swept in Fake St. Louis by three walkoff losses in a row.

In real life: The Mets somehow managed three runs off of Adam Wainwright, thanks to a bases loaded bloop and a throwing error. But John Maine labored through five torturous innings before giving up a three-run homer to Colby Rasmus, and Ryota Igarashi gave up a two-run homer to Ryan Ludwick on the first pitch he threw. Wainwright finished what he started, pitching a complete game on approximately 17 pitches.

Parallel Universe Fake Mets record: 2-10

Real Mets record: 4-8

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets: Games 7-9

Game 7: Rockies 6, Mets 2
Fake Mike Pelfrey gave up a leadoff homer to fake Carlos Gonzalez, then settled in to retire nine batters in a row. The fake Mets could do little against fake Aaron Cook, though they scratched out the tying run in the top of the third when fake Josh Thole reached second base on a throwing error, moved to third on a Pelfrey sac bunt, and scored on a fake Jose Reyes groundout. But the fake Rockies came right back with an RBI double from fake Todd Helton in the bottom of the third, and two more runs in the bottom of the sixth. Fake Pedro Feliciano gave up a two-run homer to fake Clint Barmes in the bottom of the eighth that put the game out of reach. The Fake Mets loaded the bases with no outs in the ninth, and much like their real counterparts, could do little with it. Fake Orlando Hudson had a pinch hit RBI, but with two outs, fake Fernando Tatis tried to score from second on a single up the middle. In the real world, he would’ve scored easily. In the fake world, Gonzalez gunned him down at the plate to end the game,

In real life: John Maine improved on his disappointing first start by turning in a complete shit-show, aided by some typically Mets-ian brainless baseball, en route to a 11-3 drubbing in Colorado.

Game 8: Rockies 7, Mets 4
The Fake Mets touched up Fake Jeff Francis for four runs in the top of the fourth, then decided to take the rest of the game off. Fake Good Ollie was seen at first, shutting down the Fake Rockies through the first four innings. Then Fake Bad Ollie made an appearance to give up four runs of his own, including a two-run bomb to Fake Todd Helton. Fake Chris Ianetta untied the game with a solo homer off of Ollie in the bottom of the sixth, and Helton put the final nail in the coffin with his second two-run homer in the eighth.

In real life: Jon Niese could not hold leads of 1-0 and 3-1. The Mets rallied late to tie the game at 5, but Jennry Mejia gave up a leadoff homer in the bottom of the tenth to Chris Iannetta, handing the Rockies a walkoff victory.

pufm_009.jpgGame 9: Rockies 1, Mets 0
Fake John Maine pitched a complete game, scattering eight hits over eight innings. Unfortunately, one of those hits was an RBI single by Fake Troy Tulowitzki in the first, and that was the only run the Fake Rockies would need. Fake Jorge de la Rosa completely baffled the Fake Mets hitters, and they could only manage four hits as they were swept by fake Colorado.

In real life: The Mets salvaged their series in Denver with a 5-0 win over the real, much more hittable Jorge de la Rosa. Mike Pelfrey pitched seven great innings to overcome some weird base running mistakes and his teammates’ continued inability to hit with runners in scoring position.

Parallel Universe Fake Mets record: 2-7

Real Mets record: 3-6

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets: Games 4-6

pufm_004.jpgGame 4: Mets 6, Nationals 4
The Fake Nationals scratched out two early runs against starter Mike Pelfrey, but he settled in and pitched 7 strong innings, allowing the Fake Mets to rally for three runs in the bottom of the fourth. Carlos Beltran clubbed a two-run homer in the bottom of the fifth to extend the lead, and the Fake Mets managed an insurance run in the eighth on an Omir Santos sac fly. Pedro Feliciano pitched a scoreless top of the eighth, and K-Rod earned his first save of the year despite giving up a run in the ninth.

In real life: An uncharacteristic show of power enabled the Mets to overcome an early 2-0 deficit. Jeff Francoeur and Rod Barajas each hit two homers en route to an 8-2 win.

Game 5: Nationals 3, Mets 1
Fake Jon Niese pitched six solid innings and gave up just three runs, but the Fake Mets’ bats were lulled to sleep by Ross Detwiler.

In real life: Oliver Perez showed some signs of life but also displayed his affinity for walks and giving up hits to the bottom of the order. The formerly terrible Willy Taveras drove in all the Nats’ runs with a pair of two-run hits. The Mets nearly crawled back in the bottom in the ninth, but were slayed by–what else?–an amazing defensive play by Willie Harris, whose sole purpose for being on any major league roster is to crush their hopes.

Game 6: Nationals 2, Mets 0
Fake John Lannan was in control the entire game, scattering six hits and pitching a complete game shutout. Fake Johan Santana pitched eight good innings, but got burned by back-to-back two-out RBI singles in the top of the sixth. A potential rally was snuffed in the bottom of the sixth when Fake David Wright, after beating out an infield hit, kept running the bases to second, then third, and was finally tagged out. I tried to make him run back, to no avail. I have no idea how this happened or why, but I thought it was so funny I just let it happen.

In real life: Johan Santana was not nearly as sharp as his fake counterpart, giving up a first inning grand slam to Josh Willingham (another Met killer) and struggling his way through five innings. The Mets didn’t so much face Livan Hernandez as lay down and die for him (or Jerry Manuel did, at least, by giving an insane amount of at-bats to Garry Matthews Jr., Mike Jacobs, and Frank Catalanotto). The only sign of a pulse came when K-Rod hit Willie Harris in the arm with a pitch–not on purpose, of course, but you can understand why he might think it was (or why the Mets might want to hit him).

Parallel Universe Fake Mets record: 2-4

Real Mets record: 2-4