Tag Archives: panthers

Football

2010 NFC South Preview, by Bobby Cox

With the NFL season about to kickoff, Scratchbomb has asked a few luminaries to give us their takes on the upcoming football season. Next up, soon-to-be-retired Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox.

bobbycox.jpgOh, Jesus H. Fuck, ump! You gotta be shitting me! That was a god damn strike! Get the dicks out of your eyes!

/mumbles incoherently for ten minutes

They’re fuckin us big time today, Leo. They are fucking us like cheap whores, and they don’t even have the common god damn courtesy to pay for it.

Who does Valentine have warming up in the bullpen? Cook? Mahomes? I’m gonna send up Howard Battle, so he’ll burn Cook, then swap him out for Ryan Klesko. That son of a bitch won’t know what hit him.

Unless he brings in Wendell. Fuck almighty, hadn’t thought of that.

Hey Leo, get Avery up in the bullpen. I don’t care if his god damn arm is on fire! Get him warmed up, for fuck’s sake!

Whaddya mean Avery’s retired?! Fine, get up Russ Springer, Terry Mulholland, Mark Wohlers, and some other guy warmed up then.

Roger, who’s Roger? You? Since when are you named Roger, Leo?

The NFC South? Shitballs, I dunno. The Saints won last year, didn’t they? Put some money on the Saints then. I like that Reggie Bush feller. And Archie Manning, he’s a good’un.

Christ on a washline, ump! That was a strike! I mean a ball, it was a ball, for fuck-on-fire’s sake!

/umpire ejects him

Jesus, these umps got rabbit ears these days. Can’t hardly question their sexuality without getting rung up. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my office, watchin my stories.

Football

Playoff Preview: Cardinals at Panthers with Matt Leinart

Today, we preview this weekend’s playoff games with a whole buncha celebrity guests. To discuss the exciting Carolina-Arizona matchup, here’s Cardinals backup QB, Matt Leinart.

leinart.jpg

Last weekend, the Cardinals played their first home playoff game in over 60 years. It must have been exciting to be a part of that historic event.

Yeah, whatevs. Mind if I burn one? Coach was really ridin’ my ass in practice today. I’m like, “Sheesh, it’s not like I’m gonna play,” and he’s all like, “blah blah what if something happens to Warner?” Total buzzkill.

Um, okay. After enjoying so much success at USC, is it hard to sit on the sidelines and watch Kurt Warner take charge, or are you just happy to be along for the ride?

Bro, the only thing that’s hard is me, when I’m checkin’ out the primo babeage in the crowd. Runnin’ slant routes in my pants, if you know what I mean.

Eww…So what does Arizona need to do take care of business in Carolina this weekend?

An experienced wingman and endless Jagerbombs for the ladies. Keep ’em comin’!

I was talking about the game.

So was I bro–the game of ‘tang. And when you play that game with the Lein-man, you always win. You just strap in for three minutes of pure adrenaline.

Ick. Wow, you really are a factory-wrapped douche, aren’t you?

Got a Sonic ’round here? I could drink like a hundred of them cheesecake shakes.

SB prediction: Panthers 28, Cardinals 10.