I am prepared to let you in on a golden opportunity, a once in a lifetime kind of thing. I have the exclusive rights to a musical based on the music of Orleans, and with financial backing like yours, we can bring Still the One! it to Broadway.

No, “Still the One” was not their only song. I think you’re forgetting a little song called “Dance with Me”, not to mention the countless other hits they made famous, whose names escape me at this time. This musical uses their entire catalog, up to and including 2008’s Obscurities, an unjustly overlooked masterpiece. By my calculations, you would stand to receive a return on your investment of approximately eleventy-bazillion percent. Give or take.

Think about it. The theater-going public can not get enough of these jukebox musicals like Mamma Mia and Jersey Boys. But none of them contain the music of Orleans. No one’s even tried yet! We swoop in, fill the void, and watch the cash roll in. Between road productions, soundtrack sales, and other related revenue streams, this musical will make a trillion dollars, easy.

You’re exactly right, no musical has ever made anywhere near a trillion dollars. Another gap we can fill!

How do we do it? Generate buzz through controversy. This is the musical the members of Orleans don’t want you to see. Original guitarist/vocalist Larry Hoppen begged me to sell the rights to “Still the One” to one of those bullshit multi-artist musicals like Rock of Ages. He was all like, “That’s real money to me! I got kids in college!” But I insisted that the full, true story of Orleans had to be told. In musical form!

We see Orleans as they struggle to make it during their early days in upstate New York. We see Rolling Stone name them “the best unrecorded band in America”. We see “Still the One” catapult them into stardom and a spot on a legendary tour with Jackson Browne. And just as superstardom is handed to them, it’s snatched away when songwriter John Hall departs to pursue a solo career and eventually become a US Congressman!

No, that’s not the whole thing! That’s just Act One! This thing is epic! We need three whole acts to tell the story of Orleans’ triumphant reformation in 1979! The tragic death of original drummer Wells Kelly while touring with Meat Loaf! Their historic appearance at Woodstock ’94! Their heated debate over whether to let Burger King use “Still the One” in a commercial! I defy you to name me something that has more drama than this!

Okay, the 20 things you just mentioned are somewhat more dramatic than the story of Orleans, granted, but…alright, you can stop naming things now.

How did I get the rights to this musical? I won them in a poker game. Does it matter? Would it make any difference to you if you found out that the original production of Cats was produced on a dare?

No, that’s not actually true. I’m just asking if it would make a difference to you.

You think this one over, because I can’t extend this offer forever. I’ve had this hot property for almost 17 years now, so obviously it’s just a matter of time before someone beats you to the punch.

If you change your mind, I’ll be right here at my desk in the office furniture section of Target, at least until closing time.