A-Rod really disappointed me, baby! He’s gotta set a better example for the kids! ‘Cause the kids are what’s important, baby! I talk to the kids all the time, and they love me! They’re always giving me high fives and thumbs up and doing an “L” sign on their foreheads! If you’re not hip, then you don’t know the “L” stands for “Laugh a Minute”! The kids love me, baby!

I’ve tried to give A-Rod some advice! I told him he don’t need steroids! I told him to follow his dreams, and stay in school, and listen to his parents! But he keeps telling me to stop bothering him during his daughter’s birthday party! I told him my invitation musta gotten lost in the mail, and he threatened to call the cops! It’s sad when people get too big to listen to complete strangers who are famous!

Michael Phelps really let me down, too! Smoking the reefer! Doesn’t he know that winners don’t do drugs? No hope in dope, baby! I’ve tried to reach out to Michael, but his manager said he’d have me thrown in jail if I contacted him one more time!

You know who else I’m disappointed in? Congress! We gotta get this country on the right track, baby! Republican, Democrat, don’t matter! Let’s get something done already! I don’t know what, but let’s just do it, baby!

You know who else let me down? The good people at Best Western Inns! I stayed in one last weekend when I was out west attending my great-niece’s christening! They used to give you the shampoo and the conditioner. Now they just got conditioner! I asked at the front desk, and they said they don’t provide it free no more! What is this world coming too?!

Why can’t you get a good pork chop anymore? Get on the stick, butchers!

Also, this cryogenic chamber just ain’t cutting it anymore! I know it has to maintain a constant temperature of -200 degrees Fahrenheit to keep my vital organs from seizing up, but can ESPN throw in a magazine every now and then?