HOWIE MANDEL: Welcome back to Is That A Suitcase, America’s hottest game show! Sandy here is from Eau Claire, Wisconsin, and she’s made it past the Coors Light Cold Round and the Doritos Crunchy Crunch Zone. Now it’s time for the Pizza Hut Hot and Cheesy Lightning Round. So far, she has correctly identified SIXTY-FIVE SUITCASES.
/suspiciously thunderous applause/
But you’re still far from the finish line, Sandy. Because there are still THIRTY-FIVE of our lovely assistants on the stage, and each of them hold a THING. I will now point to one of these assistants. She will present the THING she is holding, and you have to tell me, IS THAT A SUITCASE?!
SANDY: Oh my God, I’m so nervous!
HOWIE MANDEL: Before you answer, remember: your ability to identify SUITCASES has already earned you several thousand dollars. If you quit now, you can walk away with that money. If you continue, you could lose it all. But you could also win a million dollars AND A FREE SUITCASE!
SANDY: Oh golly! I’m so worn out from identifying suitcases, I don’t know if I can identify another suitcase!
HOWIE MANDEL: If you’re unsure, there’s still time to pull out. Please take a look at
your family, who stand here corralled on a tiny platform, cheering you on.
HUSBAND: You can do it, honey! You’ve been identifying suitcases your whole life!
SON: Do it for the free suitcase, mommy!
HOWIE MANDEL: Sandy–
/pauses thirty seconds/
I need your answer–
/pauses four minutes/
–now.
/pauses for two ice ages/
IS THAT A SUITCASE?!
SANDY: Oh jeez…handle, leather case, three-digit combo lock…gosh, I just don’t know! Can I use one of my hint cards?
HOWIE MANDEL: Yes, but remember that if you do, you only have SEVENTY-THREE HINT CARDS LEFT.
SANDY: Only seventy-three? Oh no!
HOWIE MANDEL: After this commercial break: MORE DRAMATIC PAUSES!
*click*
MARK WALBERG: This is Who Would You Hump? , the most CONTROVERSIAL show on TV! We have our contestant Frank strapped to a lie detector and pumped full of sodium pentathol, so HE CAN NOT POSSIBLY LIE. And now, we will find out his innermost, deepest, darkest, seediest, smelliest, stickiest secrets. I will name some people, and you have to tell me TRUTHFULLY: would you hump them, if there was no way that your wife would find out about it, there would be no adverse consequences for either you or the woman you humped, and you wouldn’t feel a shred of guilt about it? First up: Hayden
Pannetierre.
FRANK: Yes.
/ding/
MARK WALBERG: The machine says you’re telling the truth, but that was an easy one. Next: Maggie Gyllenhall.
FRANK: …Yes.
MARK WALBERG: You paused a bit. Are you sure?
FRANK: I’m sure, yes.
MARK WALBERG: Did you pause because you were thinking about her brother getting plowed in Brokeback Mountain ?
FRANK: No.
/ding/
MARK WALBERG: Okay, the machine agrees. Next up: Phyllis Diller.
FRANK: Jesus, no.
/buzz/
MARK WALBERG: Sorry, Frank. The machine says you’re lying.
FRANK: She’s like 90 years old! I don’t wanna hump her!
MARK WALBERG: The machine doesn’t lie, Frank. So not only do you lose, but you now have to bone Phyllis Diller on national TV.
FRANK: I never agreed to do that!
MARK WALBERG: Gotta read the fine print more carefully, Frank.
PHYLLIS DILLER: I hope Fang doesn’t hear about this. HAH HAH!
*click*
HULK HOGAN: American Gladiators is back on the air, brother, and it’s hotter than ever! We got ‘roided up gladiators, we got insanely overconfident contestants, and best of all, we got ME, the Hulkmeister! Our first contestant is Mark Reynolds from Salinas, California. Oh yeah!
MARK: Thanks, Hulk. Great to be here.
HULK HOGAN: No, man, you gotta jump in and say you’re gonna kill the competition.
MARK: Well, I certainly expect to win…
HULK HOGAN: No, you have to literally say you will kill the competition! Murder ’em! Rip off their arms and club ’em to death with ’em!
MARK: I just wanna do my best…
HULK HOGAN: Say you’re gonna kidnap the other guy’s kids and eat their faces!
MARK: I’m not saying that!
HULK HOGAN: Okay, we’ll get a sass-mouth manager to say it for you. Freddie, get in here!
FREDDIE BLASSIE: That pencil neck geek is gonna get what’s comin’ to him: a mouthful of bloody Chiclets!
MARK: What do I do now?
HULK HOGAN: Take steroids and do a retarded reality show about your untalented kids.