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Baseball

Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2011 MLB Preview: NL East

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ATLANTA BRAVES

2010 record: 91-71, won wild card, lost division series to Giants

Biggest offseason acquisition: Dan Uggla, whose last name perfectly describes his powerful home run swing. And his fielding.

Biggest offseason loss: Closer Billy Wagner, now retired. Fuckin’ shocker.

How will the Braves deal with their first season without Bobby Cox since 1990?: Thanks to their talent and new manager Fredi Gonzalez, the team will be more than fine. I’d be more worried about Mrs. Cox.

Best name on 40-man roster: Jairo Asencio. You want white sauce and hot sauce with that?

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: Scott Proctor, who still has something resembling a human arm left after working in a Joe Torre bullpen.

Spring standout: Brandon Beachy has pitched to a 1.13 ERA, assuring himself the fifth spot in the rotation and many dumb puns on his name from headline writers.

Probable Opening Day starter: Tim Hudson, who continues to piss me off for reasons I can’t quite articulate.

Biggest question for 2011: Can the Braves challenge the Phillies for the division title, and if so, will anyone in Atlanta notice?

Strengths: Good young bullpen, lack of crowds at playoff games lessens pressure

Weaknesses: Chipper Jones running out of creative ways to end his season

Semi-serious assessment: As you get older, your hates fade. The white-hot rage I once felt toward the Braves has dissipated almost entirely. It helps that only one figure from the 1990s/2000s team remains (LAAAAA-REEEEE). But it’s also due to them having a team of mostly-home-grown regulars like Brian McCann and Jason Heyward who are much harder to hate than Brian Jordan and Greg Maddux ever were. That extends to the bullpen, which contains a lot of great young arms like Craig Kimbrel and Chris Medlen, with not a John Rocker in the bunch (that I know of). I foresee another wild card in their future, and if the Phillies’ injury woes continue, a division title is not as insane an outcome as it looked this winter. But do humanity a favor and lose the Tomahawk Chop, wouldja?

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Baseball

Mets Deny Johan Santana’s Impending Death

PORT ST. LUCIE, FL–Officials from the Mets front office denied reports that pitcher Johan Santana was near death. Rumors surfaced over the weekend that the ace lefty, currently recovering from offseason shoulder surgery, had either already expired or was on death’s door.

“Every rehab is different, and discretion is preferable when trying to come back from an injury as difficult as Johan’s,” GM Sandy Alderson told reporters on Monday. “We’re not going to rush anything, but I want to stress that he has had no setbacks so far, and that he is also very much alive.”

On Saturday, unnamed sources close to the Mets’ organization told several beat writers that the team feared Santana would be lost for the season due to his impending death. “If Santana passed away, you probably wouldn’t see him this year,” the source said, “since that would delay his rehab and keep him from seeing major league action until at least September.”

Santana, appearing at the Mets’ spring training facility in corporeal form, repeated Alderson’s denials. “My shoulder’s a little sore, but they tell me that’s typical for this kind of rehab, and I should be long tossing again very soon.” To prove that he was not a ghost, Santana demonstrated his inability to walk through doors.

The team’s main concern is that the surgery Santana underwent last year is similar to that performed on Chien-Ming Wang and Mark Prior, neither of whom have pitched effectively ever since. And while Santana has yet to shuffle off this mortal coil, it would be a big hit to the team’s long-term chances were he to do so. Officials from other teams, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, suspected the Mets are not being entirely truthful, since in the grand scheme of things, each of us has one foot in the grave.

New manager Terry Collins responded to the reports by screaming something unintelligible through a bullhorn.

Inappropriate Walk Up Music 2011

Inappropriate Walk Up Music: “Lazy Mary”

For an intro to this series, click here. For the original series way back in 2009, click here.

Here’s an example of ballpark music that’s inappropriate even in the context in which it is used. “Lazy Mary,” a song made famous by professional stereotype Lou Monte (also responsible for “Dominic the Donkey”) is played right after “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” at CitiField. It is as old timey Italian as a mustachioed pizza chef, and most of the verses are actually sung in “the Eye-talian language” (Lou’s pronunciation, not mine). My guess as to why it became a staple at Shea is because of the large Italian population in Queens when the team was first established, particularly in nearby Corona, and therefore among the Mets’ fanbase.

“Lazy Mary” is a bouncy, goofy tarantella, the kind of song that inspires clapping along, so it makes sense musically as a stadium song. But the lyrics are kind of filthy. Here’s the section of the song that’s sung in English:

Lazy Mary you better get up
She answered back I am not able
Lazy Mary you better get up
We need the sheets for the table
Lazy Mary you smoke in bed
There’s only one man you should marry
My advice to you would be
Is to pay attention to me
You’d better marry a fireman
He’ll come and go, go and come…

Followed by some suggestions in Italian about what else this fireman will do (think hose metaphors). Shame on you, Lou Monte! There are kids at this ballpark!

Here’s the song in action during the 7th inning stretch at the last game ever played at Shea. If you look hard, you can see me in the mezzanine in this video.*

And while we’re on the subject of inappropriate, here’s a screen cap of the first video suggestion on the same page as that video. What the holy super-fuck, YouTube?!

* No you can’t.