BOOYAH! Thanks for tuning in to Mad Money tonight! I wanna thank CNBC for keeping me on during their latest round of mass layoffs. I convinced them to let me do the show in via webcam. No lame directors or producers or editors to get between me and the people! Now this show is PURE CRAMER!

First up, wanna hit you with a hot new stock: Barrel and Rubber Suspenders, Inc. This one’s going through the roof! Hottest fashion statement going! I gotta feeling this one’s gonna go through the roof, just like Consolidated Hobo Bindles did last month!

If you’re a more conservative investor, why not try putting your assets in cat food? A little goes a long way! And here’s Jim Cramer’s tip of the day: Roll it up in a slice of Wonder Bread or squish it between two Export Sodas, then swallow as quick as you can. That’ll suppress the ol’ gag reflex! 

For you high rollers, I know you’re scared about Swiss banks dropping a dime on you. So why not try your mattress! Sure, there’s no appreciation, but it’s a hell of a lot safer. No Bernie Madoffs in your bedroom.

Here’s another tip: If you see Bernie Madoff in the street, kill him. I am totally serious. Murder his ass. Murder it dead.

Dammit, my Hotspot hour’s almost up, and there’s no way I’m buying another packet of madeleines. Gotta cut Mad Money short tonight. But tune in next week, when I sell socks at a folding table outside Port Authority. It’s the hot new franchise!