The debate rages–RAGES!–on about President Obama’s place of birth. Obama insists he was born in the US, and government officials in his supposed native state of Hawaii and elsewhere say they’ve seen his birth certificate and it’s valid. But since I haven’t seen it right in front of me, with my own eyes, I say this issue is still up for debate.

You know what else is up for debate? Mummies. Scientists say they don’t exist. But I’ve seen ’em in movies. Like The Mummy, and The Mummy Returns, and The Bad News Mummies in Breaking Training. Who am I supposed to believe–scientists or my own eyes? And if mummies don’t exist, why do I wet the bed every night because I dream I’m being chased by one?

Scientists also tell us that there’s something called The Air that supplies us with oxygen. Well, I ain’t never seen it! Prove it to me, Poindexter! Show me air in a box, then we’ll talk! And don’t feed me no jazz about the wind. Everyone knows the wind is god sneezing.

And what about my penis? My doctor tells me I still have one, technically, but I haven’t seen the damn thing for years. I know what you’re thinking: “Lou, how do you pee without one?” I don’t know!

Coming up on the Lou Dobbs program starring Lou Dobbs: Should all Mexicans be killed, or merely imprisoned?