I have some amazing news to report: I have just used an automatic toilet paper dispenser for the first time. I didn’t even know such a thing existed! Oh brave new world, that has such things in’t!

Now, if they could just invent a machine that would take a dump for me, we’d be in business. I’m a busy man! I can’t waste precious time droppin’ a deuce!

And I’m tired of all this breathing! In, out, in, out–it never stops! I wanna breathe once in the morning and be done with it!