Tag Archives: justin timberlake

The Funny

The Continued Adventures of Open Letters

tonybennettOpen Letter to Miley Cyrus:

What’s with all this twerking jazz, sweetheart? Trust me, you don’t have to work blue to make your mark in show biz. I’ve kept it clean for 60 some odd years and I’ve done okay, if I do say so myself. Just a little tip from Tony to you. And if you’re up for it, I think we could do a killer duet on “Bess You Is My Woman Now” for my next platter. Whaddya say?

—Tony Bennett

* * *

Open Letter to Tony Bennett:

Miley rulz you old mummy lol

—Justin Timberlake

* * *

2ChainzOpen Letter to JT:

How dare you speak to Tony Bennett like that? He is an American treasure. You’d be lucky to accomplish one scintilla of what this man has done. For shame. Also, you’re not funny and you never will be, no matter how many SNL writers put words in your mouth.

— 2 Chainz

* * *

tonybennettOpen Letter to Mr. 2 Chainz:

I have no idea who you are, but I appreciate your words of support. If you wanna duet on my next album, just name the tune. I will literally sing any song with anybody. I just need to get the new LP in the can before my internal organs turn into dust.

— Tony Bennett

* * *

genesimmonsOpen Letter to Mr. Bennett:

I find it deplorable that you would offer to duet with 2 Chainz when you have yet to answer my call to collaborate on a KISS duet album. With your current “great American songbook” schtick, you are severely limiting yourself to the over-70 market. Join Paul on a chorus of “Ladies in Waiting” and I guarantee you will tap into that over-60 market.

— Gene Simmons

* * *

grohlOpen Letter to Everybody:

I don’t know anything about this Miley Cyrus business, but if any of you are collaborating with one another on duets and such, you must use me as your drummer. I’ll refer you to HR 1207, signed into law on September 9, 2006, which states that I am the only drummer in rock. Failure to employ me on your next once-off venture will result in swift legal action.

— Dave Grohl

* * *

skrillexOpen Letter to Mr. Grohl:

BWAAAAH, BUP-BUP-BUP-BWAAAH

G-G-G-G-G-ZHHHHHHH, PEWWWWW, BWAAAAH.

— Skrillex

* * *

gore vidalOpen Letter to Skrillex:

Well done, sir. Your witty rejoinder to Mr. Grohl’s communiqué reminded me of some of the spirited exchanges I once had with a certain Mr. Buckley. I’m so glad to see the epistolary arts revived, and in such a lively fashion.

— Gore Vidal

* * *

William Buckley. Photo Grant Peterson 781025. Scanned from Fairfax Archive.Open Letter to Mr. Vidal:

With all due respect to your considerable powers of perception, this puerile feud is nothing like the ripostes we exchanged in days of yore. Also, you are deceased and cannot write letters, open or otherwise.

— William F. Buckley

* * *

gore vidalOpen Letter to William F. Buckley:

You’re dead too, you know.

— Gore

* * *

William Buckley. Photo Grant Peterson 781025. Scanned from Fairfax Archive.Open Letter to Gore Vidal:

* decomposes *

— William F. Buckley

Baseball, Inappropriate Walkup Music 2009

Inappropriate Walk Up Music: 03.22.09

santo-shea.jpgFor previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up
music.

These are not necessarily bad songs–although that
certainly helps. They are merely songs that don’t evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20… The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter’s box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

Today, on a whim, I decided to check out the Top 3 songs on the Hot 100 chart, figuring that they’d be inappropriate. Lo and behold, my instincts were right. The top three slots are currently occupied by terrible hip-hop songs with completely unoriginal beats and rhymes. Of course, lack of originality doesn’t necessarily disqualify a song for walk-up purposes. But each of these songs disqualifies itself in their own special way.

1. “Right Round”, Flo Rida
Let’s see: Terrible beat? Check. Rhymes cribbed from every “we up in the club” song recorded in the last 10 years? Check. Hilariously wack flow despite having “flo” in your name? Check. Paraphrasing lyrics from the similarly named bad 80s song while also giving work to Katy Perry? Check. Okay, I think we’re done here.

2. “Dead and Gone”, T.I. featuring Justin Timberlake
If you can find any true differences between this song and “Gangster’s Paradise”, you’ve got a keener ear than I do.

The number 3 song this week is actually “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga, which I picked in my first Inappropriate Walk Up Music post. So I have to skip down to number 4, where we find:

4. “Kiss Me Through the Phone”, Soulja Boy Tell ’em featuring Sammie
Aside from the cringe-worthy title, I swear I heard this beat/keyboard line combo in a Geico commercial.