Tag Archives: joni mitchell

Baseball, Inappropriate Walkup Music 2009

Inappropriate Walk Up Music: 04.04.09

santo-shea.jpgFor previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up
music.

These are not necessarily bad songs–although that
certainly helps. They are merely songs that don’t evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20… The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter’s box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* “Wonder Woman”, Attila
When I revealed my shameful, bygone love for Billy Joel yesterday, The Wife reminded me that The Piano Man was once in a prog rock band called Attila. What does it sound like? Exactly what you think Billy Joel belting out prog rock would sound like, pretty much.

If you find this tune tasty, peep this post at WFMU’s blog, which features some other choice cuts from their 1970 self-titled album–including an instrumental called “Brain Invasion” which sounds like Mr. Joel trying to write music for the Atari 2600.

* “Sneaker Night”, Vanessa Hudgens
FOT Emma added this to the ongoing discussion of Worst Song Ever, and I had to share it here. Maybe not the worst song ever, but seriously some of the worst lyrics I’ve ever heard: “Are you ready? Did you eat? Do you have the energy?…Don’t want you passin’ out af-ter a couple-a hours a piece…” It sounds like it was written by a 12-year-old who has no idea of rhythm or meter, then shoehorned into a beat that was already done. Music for the thoroughly undiscriminating, cadence-challenged High School Musical teenybopper set.

* “Big Yellow TaxI”, Joni Mitchell (or any of its 7000 cover versions)
For reasons chronicled here.

Decrees for My All Encompassing Dictatorship

Decrees for My All-Encompassing Dictatorship, Joni Mitchell Division

In the last episode of Holy Goddamn!, I outline one of the rules I hope to instate when I’m given all-encompassing power over every living thing. Not that this is a goal of mine, mind you. I just feel it pays to be prepared. I don’t want to be caught with my pants down when a fearful citizenry comes to me and asks if I’ll please rule the world.

My latest edition to the laws of my dictatorship: No more covers of “Big Yellow Taxi.”

Nothing against Joni Mitchell otherwise, but that song is as sledgehammer-obvious as they come. It’s the eco-friendly equivalent of “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue.”

From a pure musical standpoint, there’s nothing wrong with the song. But it contains some secret harmonic ingredient that compels millions of other artists to cover it. Bad artists. Really, really bad artists.

Every time “Big Yellow Taxi” is covered, it actually gets worse, like a xerox of a xerox of a xerox. I heard a Lite-FM-friendly cover in my local deli this morning that drove me up the wall. There’s no point in even tracking down who performed it. It sounded like someone took a KidzBop tune and ran it through Songsmith. It was so middle-of-the-road it made the Sheryl Crow version sound like The Stooges.

Therefore, no more covers of “Big Yellow Taxi”. I have spoken.