Joe the Plumber’s Slap-a-Rep, Joe the Plumber speaking. How may I help you?

Dianne Feinstein? Okay. What’s your reason for wanting to slap her?

She bad mouthed the troops? Could you cite a specific example of her doing that?

Nah, I’m just pulling your chain. That sounds like something she’d do. Your word is good enough for me.

Would you like to request a certain type of slap? We offer Victorian duel, pimp, naughty child, and my patented slap, the Ass-Reddener.

Okay, I’ll put you down for Victrorian duel. A very popular choice. Any other Congressmen you’d like me to slap?

Ted Kennedy? He’s recovering from a stroke, from what I understand. So I’m afraid I’ll need a note from his doctor that indicates a clean bill of health before I can slap him. Sorry, but we have to cover our bases. Insurance and all that. I’m sure you’ll understand.

Harry Reid? No problem. Shall I put you down for another Victorian duel, or would like to upgrade to a double-slap? For ten extra bucks, you get two slap styles of your choice.

You want me to shoot Harry Reid? No, we don’t do that here at Slap-a-Rep. We only slap.

Yes, I know I mentioned shooting lawmakers in my press conference. However, I was only speaking about historical precedent. You know, back in the old days, when citizens were allowed to shoot politicians.

Sure, it used to happen all the time. Totally legal. In fact, the government used to encourage citizens to shoot guys you didn’t like. My great-great-great-grandfather shot Grover Cleveland twice. Yeah, once for each non-consecutive term.

Listen, I’d love to shoot Harry Reid, believe me. But you know how these government regulations are. I shoot somebody and you the next thing you know, I lose my slapping license.

Well, no, I don’t actually have a slapping license. But hey, I don’t want John Law knocking on my door, know what I’m saying?

Okay, thank you for using Joe the Plumber’s Slap-a-Rep.