First of all, Mr. Heyward, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for gracing us with your presence here in Congress today. I realize your schedule would be busy under normal circumstances, being the CEO of a huge, awesome oil company and all. But I can’t imagine what it must be like for you now as the media relentlessly hammers you day in and day out. So again, thank you so much for taking the time to answer our piddling little questions today.

Second, I want to apologize for the president’s actions. He has absolutely no right to demand that you clean up this mess. After all the fine, thankless work you do day in and day out, you do not deserve to be bullied by someone who was only technically elected leader of the free world.

Believe me, Mr. Hayward, if it was up to me, it would be the American people who would repay BP. After all, American waters destroyed your gorgeous oil rig. And American seagulls and cranes are now polluting your precious crude with their dirty feathers. If I had my way, all these large bodies of water and sea creatures would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Mr. Hayward, I sit here in utter admiration of you. You carry a burden none of us can possibly understand. Not since Job has a man endured such unwarranted persecution. You are a tower of strength, a shining beacon, and a wondrous example of what the human spirit can withstand. I can honestly say I’ve never met any man who could measure up to you, and I doubt I ever will.

Mr. Hayward, I want to kiss you. Gentle pecks at first, then deep, probing kisses that seem to last forever. I’ve never felt this way before, about anyone, and I am not afraid. The heart wants what it wants, and it is no liar.

Mr. Hayward, I want you to know that you can have your way with me, in the manner of your choosing. Whatever you ask for, it shall be yours. I am your slave. If you wanted to urinate directly into my mouth, I would gladly open it to receive your pee. If you wanted to defecate onto my chest, I’d remove my shirt immediately.

I would do all of this and more. I want you to understand that. That’s how strong my love is.

I know that my fellow Republicans will pressure me to retract my apology, and I will do so because I’ve always been a good soldier. That is my earthly duty. But my heavenly duty is to love you.

Mr. Hayward, I see you rising to leave. I beg of you, do not despair. You must endure, for all of us. STAY ALIVE! NO MATTER WHAT OCCURS, I WILL FIND YOU!