Tag Archives: jim cramer

Life In These United States

Jim Cramer Won’t Stop Believin’

kramer.jpgJim Cramer’s back again with Mad Money, comin’ atcha via Webcam from an undisclosed Panera bread location. Here’s my latest Buy Now! notice: the strawberry yogurt parfait. Delicious and reasonably priced!

I just gotta tell ya, folks, I stand by my statement that President Obama’s policies have made him one of the worst wealth destroyers in American history. Sure, most of that wealth was imaginary, due to Ponzi schemes and backdoor deals and other assorted forms of skullduggery. That doesn’t matter! The point is, we all used to be rich on paper, and now we’re broke in real life!

What bothers me is that Obama doesn’t seem to understand how the stock market works. He thinks it operates on actual value of companies and their products. It has nothing to do with anything real! If it did, the world financial markets would’ve collapsed decades ago!

Here’s what happens on a typical Wall Street day. First, all of the traders bow before the altar of Gorlaqk the Dread and pay him obeisance. Then, they run around like maniacs for 7 hours. They don’t know why. They don’t know how. They have no idea what they’re even doing! They just perform acts they are compelled to do, in an almost supernatural trance-state, and when it’s all over they stare in disbelief at the carnage they’ve caused. It’s like a Celtic battle frenzy, in suspenders!

Wall Street is not made up of individuals who act of their own free will! Wall Street is an empathic organism that feeds on the collective emotions of the hive mind! So when traders feel good, the Dow goes up! And when current events make them nervous or sad, the Dow goes way down. So I lay the Street’s troubles on your doorstep, Mr. President!

Okay, the manager just told me to keep it down. Gotta keep quiet–I don’t wanna get kicked outta here like did at that Cosi down the block.

Why did I tell you to gobble up shares of Wachovia? Because me and their CEO are best buds? No! It’s because I know that Wall Street needs positive vibes to succeed! I believed with all my heart that stock wouldn’t fail! I had to totally ignore every single warning sign that Wachovia would turf out to do that, but I did it, by god!

So why did they fail? Because you didn’t believe hard enough. I did my part. Wachovia didn’t fail, Bear Stearns didn’t fail, AIG didn’t fail, Citigroup didn’t fail–you did. You should be ashamed of yourselves, America.

I called up the president. I said, listen, all you need to revive the Dow is to believe! Address the American people on TV and clap your hands three times if you believe in the Dow! Do you believe in the Dow? I KNOW YOU DO!!!

Can you believe that President Obama didn’t say anything?! I mean, I’m not a 100 percent sure I actually talked to him. I don’t have his private line, so I just dialed 1-800-2DAPREZ. Since nobody picked up, I just talked to the dialtone. But the fact that he wouldn’t figure out I was trying to reach him–me, Jim Cramer!–makes me shudder for the economy’s future.

I’m gonna get another bear claw, but when we return, I will attack my parents for being some of the worst Santa Claus- and Tooth Fairy-destroyers in history.

Boob Tubery

Jim Cramer Meets The Great Depression 2.0

kramer.jpgBOOYAH! Thanks for tuning in to Mad Money tonight! I wanna thank CNBC for keeping me on during their latest round of mass layoffs. I convinced them to let me do the show in via webcam. No lame directors or producers or editors to get between me and the people! Now this show is PURE CRAMER!

First up, wanna hit you with a hot new stock: Barrel and Rubber Suspenders, Inc. This one’s going through the roof! Hottest fashion statement going! I gotta feeling this one’s gonna go through the roof, just like Consolidated Hobo Bindles did last month!

If you’re a more conservative investor, why not try putting your assets in cat food? A little goes a long way! And here’s Jim Cramer’s tip of the day: Roll it up in a slice of Wonder Bread or squish it between two Export Sodas, then swallow as quick as you can. That’ll suppress the ol’ gag reflex! 

For you high rollers, I know you’re scared about Swiss banks dropping a dime on you. So why not try your mattress! Sure, there’s no appreciation, but it’s a hell of a lot safer. No Bernie Madoffs in your bedroom.

Here’s another tip: If you see Bernie Madoff in the street, kill him. I am totally serious. Murder his ass. Murder it dead.

Dammit, my Hotspot hour’s almost up, and there’s no way I’m buying another packet of madeleines. Gotta cut Mad Money short tonight. But tune in next week, when I sell socks at a folding table outside Port Authority. It’s the hot new franchise!