On my way to work this morning, my iPod shuffled its way to a live version of “Mirror Man” by Captain Beefheart. Great, I thought, I like this song and I haven’t heard it in a while. Then, about a minute in, the good captain busted out a harmonica solo, whereupon I hit the skip button. It was too damn early for me to hear a harmonica solo.

Harmonica is so bad it ruins songs I like.

Harmonica shall be banned because it is the harbinger of the worst music in the world: the blues. I don’t mean the blues as it was played 50, 60, 70 years ago, when it was an vibrant musical genre that reflected an actual living culture. And I don’t mean something that has bluesy influences, or bluesy overtones, because that would cut out pretty much all rock music.

I’m talking about the bone-chilling, teeth-rattling sight of someone playing four-bar blues in sunglasses and a fedora. That should have been banned by the Geneva Convention. How can we let that go on in the 21st century?! I fear for my children.

Harmonica shall be banned because of this natural human reaction: when you see somebody pull out a harmonica and start playing it onstage, 99% of the time you want to punch that person in the face.

Harmonica shall be banned because of this:

Anyone who knows how to play harmonica when my Benevolent Dictatorship begins shall be grandfathered in and permitted to continue to play. However, they must register with the local Harmonica Office and inform their local Harmonica Officer if they plan on traveling within 500 feet of a live microphone.