Tag Archives: injuries

Life In These United States, Seasonal Fare

Top Fourth of July Injuries (Non-Fireworks Edition)

  • Griller’s elbow
  • Simultaneous cardiac arrest and diabetic shock from ingesting too much fried Kool-Aid
  • Allergic reaction to Blue Angels flyover
  • Vertebrae misaligned during annual game of backyard volleyball
  • Sudden rush of blood to the head while actually listening to lyrics to “Born in the USA” or “Fortunate Son” for the first time
  • Various lesions resulting from the discovery of long-lost box of jarts in basement
  • Citronella poisoning
  • Boredom-induced skull displacement from prolonged brass band medley exposure
  • Excess swelling of patriotic pride
  • Asphyxiation from being suffocated under weight of football-field-sized American flag
  • Pulled triceps muscle from patting self on back for saluting guy you saw in the street wearing army fatigues
  • Competitive eating induces virulent strain of super-gout
  • Heatstroke suffered while wearing Revolutionary War-era garb or space suit
  • Incorrect tiki torch placement provokes deadly curse from angered Polynesian storm-god
Baseball

Bud Selig Lays Down The Jeter Rules

1 Comment

In the wake of the tragic news that Derek Jeter has injured his calf, I declare a temporary suspension of play throughout Major League Baseball as a sign of respect and mourning, until such time as The Captain is able to play to the fullest of his gritty, gutty abilities. Without the game’s most beloved player, we at the MLB front offices figured there was just no point to playing any of these games. Everything seems kind of pointless without his bright, shining face to light the way. Why bother, really?

For those fans who want to keep track of Jeter’s medical progress–and really, what true baseball fan wouldn’t?–we have created a revolutionary Calf Cam. With the use of cutting edge nanotechnology, MLB has inserted a tiny subcutaneous HD camera in Jeter’s leg so that all fans can watch his muscles healing in real time. I’m sure it will be even more entertaining than the MLB Amateur Draft!

Once Jeter is ready to return to action, there will be a celebratory parade down Fifth Avenue, followed by a resumption of the regular season schedule at Yankee Stadium. Henceforth, all Yankee games shall be played in the Bronx until the legendary shortstop gets his eagerly anticipated 3000th hit. Opponents shall be compensated for loss of home games with complimentary “Jeter: Mr. 3000” t-shirts and a coupon for half off one order of fries at NYY Steak.

If Jeter is sitting on 2,999 hits, and a ball off of his bat is hit too close to the foul line to be called by an umpire’s naked eye, I shall allow a video review to take place. The import of such a moment would be far too great to allow human error to enter the equation. I mean, we’re not talking about a playoff game here!

All stadiums will be required to show Yankees game on an appropriately sized jumbtron visible to all patrons until this historic moment finally occurs. Failure to do so will result in serious fines and loss of draft picks.

With your help, we can get through this trying time. Huddle close with your loved ones and offer up a silent prayer that we can weather this storm. God help us all.