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Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2011 MLB Preview: AL Central

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CHICAGO WHITE SOX

2010 record: 88-74

Biggest offseason acquisition: Adam Dunn, who hates the game of baseball so much he hits 40 home runs every year without fail.

Biggest offseason loss: Jake Peavey’s fleeting healthiness

What outrageous thing will Ozzie Guillen do this season?: To top previous incidents, it will have to involve farm animals.

Best name on 40-man roster: Jhonny Nunez, currently being sued by Jhonny Peralta for copyright infringement.

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: Juan Pierre, who is apparently still considered employable.

Spring standout: Would you believe me if I told you Lastings Milledge? If not, why would you not believe me? I thought we were friends, bro.

Probable Opening Day starter: Mark Buehrle, who promises to get everyone back on the road in a lean 90 minutes.

Biggest question for 2011: How long can a team run counter to modern baseball thinking and still perform reasonably well?

Strengths: Lineup well suited to home ballpark, willingness to spend stupid money if needed

Weaknesses: Hawk Harrelson

Semi-serious assessment: The loss of Peavey (for however long that lasts) will hurt them, and after Buehrle the pitching staff is not fantastic. But they do have a pretty good bullpen, and a lineup that will hit many homers at their home ballpark (Dunn and Paul Konerko for starters). I would expect them, Detroit, and Minnesota to jockey for first place this summer.

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Baseball

Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2010 MLB Preview: AL Central

8menout.jpgCHICAGO WHITE SOX

2009 record: 79-83

Local weather: Broad-shouldered

Namesake: Article of footwear whose color could be changed in an ironic fashion to indicate infamy or shame

Is Hawk Harrelson the biggest tool in all of baseball announcing?: Perhaps, though John Sterling gives him a run for his money.

Perpetually overused team-related headline: Joy of Sox, or Sox Appeal. The thought of A.J. Pierzynski in conjunction with a word that even vaguely sounds like “sex” is vomit-inducing.

Best name on 40-man roster: Stefan Gartrell. Sorry, that’s the fakest last name I’ve heard since Nick Soapdish.

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: Omar Vizquel, who I’m surprised is still on any team at this point. He’s become the Jamie Moyer of shortstops, though he throws harder than Jamie.

Spring standout: Mark Kotsay, batting over .400 and once again proving the complete meaninglessness of spring stats.

Probable Opening Day starter: Mark Buehrle, which means Chicago’s opener will probably clock in at a cool 90 minutes.

Biggest question for 2010: Will Ozzie Guillen’s Twitter account be shut down before it incurs some sort of lawsuit or police action?

Advantage to start the season: Umpires intimidated by roving bags of scumbags in the crowd.

Semi-serious assessment: A full season of Jake Peavey could push them into contention, but I don’t know how likely that is. Their lineup is Paul Konerko, Alexei Ramirez, and not much else, and the bullpen is not much to write home about, either. I foresee a thoroughly meh year on the South Side.
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