Tag Archives: horrible snack food

Decrees for My All Encompassing Dictatorship

Decrees for My All-Encompassing Dictatorship, Freezer Section Edition

No.
bagelfuls.jpgIn case you can’t make it out, that is a “Bagel”–which actually looks more like soft pretzel stick–stuffed with cream cheese. To which I decree, ENOUGH! Enough with your Franken-foods, mad scientists of the food labs of America. You have been placed upon the scales of righteousness and found wanting! REPENT!

I will ban all crimes against food such as the monstrosity pictured above. Also included in this sweeping prohibition: pancake-wrapped sausage, sausage-wrapped pancakes, and any other food where things are wrapped in other things IN DEFIANCE OF GOD’S WILL.

The stuffing of cheese into things which cheese was not meant to be stuffed shall be forbidden. As shall injecting of syrup into breakfast items. If you want syrup upon your breakfast meal, EXPEND SOME ENERGY AND POUR IT ON YOURSELF, YOU BLOATED MIND-CORPSE!

All the madmen who invented these freakish insults to food-nature shall be launched into space via catapault.

I have spoken.

Füd

Super Bowl Snack Ideas from Tram Woodreaux

With The Big Game (c) (r) almost upon us, Scratchbomb welcomes Tram Woodreaux, host of the popular cooking show Off the Rails! on The Grub Network and owner of the popular Galveston restaurant The Whee!house.

tram.jpgFirst off, how do I pronounce your restaurant’s name?

It’s like “wheelhouse”, but you make sure you add some extra zip on the first syllable. We like to do things a little nutty down at the Whee!house. We got this poster in the kitchen that says, “You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps!” That’s a joke, of course. We don’t hire actual crazy people. Not after what happened last time.

I’m sure you heard that there’s a wing shortage right now. So say you can’t get wings for your Super Bowl party. What’s the next best thing?

I think you can’t go wrong with a couple of Hostess Suzy-Q’s, arranged on a sporty football shaped platter, and covered with Kraft Cheez-Whiz. I call ’em Touchdown Tortes!

Yuck. That sounds completely awful.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me! You should see how fast my Touchdown Tortes go at my parties! Almost as fast as my Cornerback Kickoff Nachos!

What’s in those?

Three bags of Doritos brand tortilla chips, two cans of Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup, a sack of Nabisco Chips Ahoy, a big ol’ soup ladle…

Please tell me you don’t eat the soup ladle.

Of course not! You use the soup ladle to smash the ingredients together, mix ’em up, and pour out the mixture into ice cube trays. Stick toothpicks in the goop and two hours later, you’ve got little gooey nacho-sicles for everyone!

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