Tag Archives: horrible human beings

NYC

This Just In: You’ll Always Be 13

We all have motifs that run through our lives, whether we realize it or not. I do realize mine, and I realized it a long time ago. It is the feeling of being completely out of my element. On a nearly daily basis, I find myself in a situation that comes out of nowhere and makes zero sense in the context of my experience and existence. As if the rules of The Universe were changed, and everyone received the memo but me.

I’d call this feeling Kafka-esque, except that it’s not confined to bureaucratic encounters. It can surface at any time, anywhere, for no reason at all.

Continue reading This Just In: You’ll Always Be 13 →

Boob Tubery

Charlie Sheen Is Mentally Ill. What’s Your Excuse?

I succeeded in not seeing Two and a Half Men for a very long time. I try not to judge things I haven’t experienced, but this was one of those rare instances where pre-judging seemed not only okay, but wise.

Some time last summer, I found myself in a Strauss waiting room as I got a new set of front tires. (Nothing’s too good for my 12-year-old Hyundai.) The TV in the waiting room was showing Two and a Half Men, and there was no way to turn it off or mute it. So I wound up consuming an entire episode. It was everything I thought it was and less.

It’s not so much that Two and a Half Men was unfunny, though it certainly was that. The show seemed to come from some place damaged and cynical. It wasn’t a comedy so much as a joke delivery system, as brutal and automated as a slaughterhouse. It was not created to be enjoyed, but accepted. The creators all but came out and said, Here’s some more slop, you pigs.

No wonder that Charlie Sheen lasted on the show for so long, even when committing heinous acts that get most people serious jail time. He was perfectly suited for a show that is a sitcom shell wrapped around professional contempt for the masses.

Charlie Sheen is mentally ill, seriously so. I have no doubt of that. He’s not ill to the point that he shouldn’t be held accountable for his actions, but he is ill enough that he’s incapable of getting help completely on his own. This should not be made light of, especially when such illness manifests itself in domestic violence.

And yet, somehow Charlie Sheen’s insane rants made him not a figure to be scorned or pitied, but cheered. His mantra of WINNING–clearly the last furtive sparks from his remaining, dying synapses–has already been beaten into the ground as an internet meme. He’s even been hailed as some sort of badass antihero by the Maxim/Axe Body Spray contingent because he does tons of blow and has lots of consequence-free sex with a porn stars, a notion crazier than Sheen himself.

Sheen is a vile human being. I have zero respect for someone who would kidnap a woman or threaten his spouse with a knife. But I think at least on some level, he can’t help it. Whether it’s chemical imbalance, dangerous levels of self delusion, the product of a Hollywood upbringing, or years of cocaine abuse, his brain does not function properly.

But most people’s brains do function properly. So why are we cheering on this monster? Why are we elevating his evasion of responsibility and judgment into a rallying cry for douchebags everywhere? (WINNING!) Even if you’re doing it ironically, you’re enabling him and giving him exactly what he wants: the validation needed to be a sociopath. It’s like handing matches and gasoline to a pyromaniac.

Is it because celebrity shenanigans are supposed to be funny? It seems like we put every famous person’s transgression on the same plane, and our reactions to them are always the same, that leering, Jay Leno-esque tone of Didja see what Madonna did yesterday? As if their sole purpose in life is to do something dumb so that we can mock them from down below. But when we do this, we equate, say, a Kardashian sex tape or a Lady Gaga meat dress with what Charlie Sheen has done in his life–particularly what he’s done to women. I find that sort of thinking morally bankrupt.

Mel Gibson–another man who is probably not right in the head–has no career, for all intents and purposes, because of hideously racist statements he made. And that’s perfectly fine by me. But whereas Gibson simply said horrible things, Sheen actually abused women. In the final analysis, which of these is worse? And yet, which one of these men is more likely to work again? The one who threatened the mother of his children with a knife but came up with the “hilarious” catchphrase WINNING.*

*UPDATE: As @metsgrrl pointed out, Mel Gibson actually did abuse his significant other. But the fact that we’ve all but forgotten that illustrates how easy it is to get away with violence against women.

Unless you are just as sick as Charlie Sheen, you have no excuse for celebrating him, and maybe you do deserve slop like Two and a Half Men.

Politics Schmolitics

Biggest Revelations from George W. Bush’s Memoirs

  • bushdecisionpoints.jpgHis mother, Barbara Bush, was one of the first proponents of the child rearing philosophies of David Cronenberg.
  • Of his seven siblings, only three were confined to jars.
  • At Harvard Business School, successfully defended his master’s thesis on why kegstands are awesome.
  • In 1972, while serving in the Air National Guard, thwarted an attempted Viet Cong takeover of a San Antonio-area Fiesta Mart
  • On 1973 through 1988: “FATAL ERROR; SOME DATA MAY BE LOST”
  • First act as president of the Rangers was to acquire a totally bullshit Texas accent.
  • Catapulted to the Texas governor’s mansion by promising to legalize the carrying of concealed flamethrowers.
  • Got John McCain to drop out of the Republican primaries in 2000 by promising to make McCain turn his back on every principle he held dear.
  • In the heated moments of the Florida vote recount, planned a concession phone call to Al Gore that would have ended with him saying “psyche!” and hanging up.
  • Took so long to respond when informed of the 9/11 terrorist attacks because his mind was occupied trying to think of that one guy who was in that thing.
  • Considered himself a “dissenting voice” in the debate over going to war in Iraq, but rather than press the issue, opted to use his political capital to argue for pizza for lunch the next day.
  • Blames a printing press error for the “aircraft carrier” mess in 2003. The banner was originally supposed to read “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED…IS WHAT THIS SIGN WILL SAY ONCE THE WAR IS OVER”.
  • In order to combat perceptions that Dick Cheney was the real power behind the presidency, contemplated removing him from the ticket in 2004. Changed his mind after waking up in a ditch with no memory of the events of the previous week.
  • As the Iraq War spiraled out of control and more and more Americans were killed trying to bring democracy to a land that didn’t seem to want it, he had this weird dream where was in an ostrich rodeo.
  • Deeply regrets that, in the wake of the devastation of Hurricane Katrina, he allowed so many news networks to report on it.
  • Believes the Kanye West incident is “the lowest point of my presidency” because “any other choice is too horrifying.”
  • After Obama’s inauguration, as Air Force One took him away from the White House for the last time, he finally thought of that one guy who was in that thing. It was Bill Paxton.
  • Ends book with an anecdote about picking up after his dog because when you’ve committed war crimes, caused the needless deaths of thousands, and driven your country into a ditch, it’s good to laugh about it.