Tag Archives: horrible cover versions of horrible songs

Holiday Horrors 2009

Holiday Horrors: “Last Christmas”

For other Holiday Horrors posts, click here.

George Michael has much to answer for. When I was a kid, I recall his Faith album being a hot item amongst the sixth grade set for its SHOCKING videos, and providing much preteen giggle fodder with songs like “I Want Your Sex”. Who let him write a song with that title? Has anyone whose first language is English ever said that out loud? Was the alternate title “I Am Liking to Make Fuck Party”?

Last_Christmas.jpgBut one of his biggest crimes is the execrable “Last Christmas”, a horrible little tune that, much like “Wonderful Christmastime”, has received an unwelcome revival in the last few years. I blame those 24-hour holiday radio stations that pop up right after Thanksgiving. Even they can’t play “Jingle Bell Rock” every hour, so they had to dig up semi-forgotten Yuletide songs to fill up the spaces between “Blue Christmas” and Ronnie Spector’s “Winter Wonderland”.

Maybe it’s just me. I associate Christmas with being with my family. I don’t associate it looking for luv. But in the world of George Michael, Christmas is the day he gives his heart away. Unfortunately, the object of his affection regifted it the day after.

Here’s my question, George: What exactly did you expect from someone you met on Christmas? That’s not exactly the best day to forge a lasting, loving relationship. “I can’t believe someone I met while hanging out at a bar by myself on the biggest family holiday of the year turned out to be a skeeze!”

The original recording of “Last Christmas” is extremely fey and bloodless and full of wimpy synths. But Wham! sounds like the MC5 compared to its cover versions. Just peep the song’s Wikipedia page to see some of the winners who’ve taken on this tune. I defy you to defend any more than three people listed there.

Two stand out: 1) Crazy Frog, because apparently the demon-spawn who created him owned the rights to every song on the planet. 2) Carrie Underwood, because she performed it at the White House. “Merry Christmas, Mr. President! Here’s an uplifting song about getting railed during the holidays!”

Baseball, Inappropriate Walkup Music 2009

Inappropriate Walk Up Music: 04.04.09

santo-shea.jpgFor previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up
music.

These are not necessarily bad songs–although that
certainly helps. They are merely songs that don’t evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20… The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter’s box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* “Wonder Woman”, Attila
When I revealed my shameful, bygone love for Billy Joel yesterday, The Wife reminded me that The Piano Man was once in a prog rock band called Attila. What does it sound like? Exactly what you think Billy Joel belting out prog rock would sound like, pretty much.

If you find this tune tasty, peep this post at WFMU’s blog, which features some other choice cuts from their 1970 self-titled album–including an instrumental called “Brain Invasion” which sounds like Mr. Joel trying to write music for the Atari 2600.

* “Sneaker Night”, Vanessa Hudgens
FOT Emma added this to the ongoing discussion of Worst Song Ever, and I had to share it here. Maybe not the worst song ever, but seriously some of the worst lyrics I’ve ever heard: “Are you ready? Did you eat? Do you have the energy?…Don’t want you passin’ out af-ter a couple-a hours a piece…” It sounds like it was written by a 12-year-old who has no idea of rhythm or meter, then shoehorned into a beat that was already done. Music for the thoroughly undiscriminating, cadence-challenged High School Musical teenybopper set.

* “Big Yellow TaxI”, Joni Mitchell (or any of its 7000 cover versions)
For reasons chronicled here.