This year, I’d like to once again present a Holiday Horror and/or Holiday Triumph for each day in December leading up to Christmas. But I’ve gained a larger readership since last Yuletide, and that means increased bandwidth and more overtime for the guys down in the archival warehouse. (Frank, Tony, Carmine, Joey, and Fran do good job, they really do.)
So reluctantly, I’ve had to take on some outside sponsors to make this year’s Holiday Horrors/Triumphs possible. But I want all of you know that I’d never take on a sponsor that might compromise or bring shame to this site. In that spirit, I present my first holiday sponsor, Taser Grandma, America’s oldest and most lovable taser salesperson, who you can follow on Twitter here.
SEASON’S GREETINS TO ONE AND ALL! TASER GRANDMA HERE, REMINDIN YOU THAT TASERS MAKE GREAT STOCKIN STUFFERS! BUT MAKE SURE THE STOCKINS ARE RUBBER OR SOME OTHER INSULATED MATERIAL. OTHERWISE YOU MIGHT GET BOUT 9000 VOLTS OF HOLIDAY CHEER!
WHEN I THINK OF THIS TIME O’ YEAR, I REMEMBER GOIN OUT WITH TASER GRAMPA TO PICKS US UP THE OL’ FAMILY CHRISTMAS TREE. WE’D HIKE OUT INTO THE WOODS, JUST ME, HIM, AND THE YOUNG’UNS, AND WE WOULDN’T COME HOME UNTIL WE FOUND JUST THE RIGHT ONE! BUT WE WOULDN’T CHOP IT DOWN, NO SIREE. WE’D TASE IT DOWN! TOOK A BIT LONGER THAN AN AXE, BUT BY GUM, IT WAS WORTH IT, EVEN IF THE SHOCKMEISTER 3000 SINGED OFF ALLA THE DAD-GUM PINE NEEDLES.
THEN THE KIDDIES WOULD SET OUT SOME MILK AND COOKIES FOR SANTY CLAUS, PLUS HIS VERY OWN RED AND GREEN ZAPS-A-POPPIN 750. IT’S A GOOD WEAPON FOR THE OLDER FELLER; EASY TO USE BUT STILL GOTTA LOTTA KICK. I KNOW SANTA GETS INTO SOME ROUGH NEIGHBORHOODS AND A BODY CAN’T BE TOO CAREFUL. WOULDN’T WANT ALL THE GOOD BOYS N’ GIRLS TO BE DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE HE WASN’T SUFFICIENTLY ARMIN HIMSELF FOR ALL THE DANGERS OF THE MODERN URBAN LANDSCAPE, DAG NABBIT!
BUT MY FAVORITE PART OF CHRISTMAS CAME WHEN ALL MY YOUNG’UNS HAD LITTLE SHAVERS OF THEIR OWN, AND I GOTS TO SPOIL EM ALL EVERY YEAR. LORD, IT BROUGHT MY HEART SUCH JOY TO SEE THEIR FACES LIGHT UP WHEN THEY OPENED UP THEIR PRESENTS. AND IT BROUGHT ME EVEN MORE JOY TO SEE EM LIGHT UP EACH OTHER FACES WITH THOSE PRESENTS, THE LIL’ SIZZLER. PERFECT SIZE FOR LITTLE HANDS AND JUST ENOUGH KICK TO KEEP DOWN THE MONKEYSHINES!
TASER GRANDMA WISHES YOU AND YOUR’N ALL THE BEST THIS HOLIDAY SEASON! MAY THE COMIN YEAR BRING US ALL PEACE AND GOOD WILL. AND IF IT DON’T, MAY IT BRING US ALL OUR VERY OWN FLESHWRANGLER 5000, CUZ THAT BABY CAN GELD A PRIZE STALLION AT 800 YARDS! IF SOMEONE CUTS IN FRONT OF YOU AT THE OL FIVE AND DIME, THAT’LL LEARN EM!