Tag Archives: holiday triumphs

Season’s Greetings from Taser Grandma

This year, I’d like to once again present a Holiday Horror and/or Holiday Triumph for each day in December leading up to Christmas. But I’ve gained a larger readership since last Yuletide, and that means increased bandwidth and more overtime for the guys down in the archival warehouse. (Frank, Tony, Carmine, Joey, and Fran do good job, they really do.)

So reluctantly, I’ve had to take on some outside sponsors to make this year’s Holiday Horrors/Triumphs possible. But I want all of you know that I’d never take on a sponsor that might compromise or bring shame to this site. In that spirit, I present my first holiday sponsor, Taser Grandma, America’s oldest and most lovable taser salesperson, who you can follow on Twitter here.

Thumbnail image for tasergramma.jpgSEASON’S GREETINS TO ONE AND ALL! TASER GRANDMA HERE, REMINDIN YOU THAT TASERS MAKE GREAT STOCKIN STUFFERS! BUT MAKE SURE THE STOCKINS ARE RUBBER OR SOME OTHER INSULATED MATERIAL. OTHERWISE YOU MIGHT GET BOUT 9000 VOLTS OF HOLIDAY CHEER!

WHEN I THINK OF THIS TIME O’ YEAR, I REMEMBER GOIN OUT WITH TASER GRAMPA TO PICKS US UP THE OL’ FAMILY CHRISTMAS TREE. WE’D HIKE OUT INTO THE WOODS, JUST ME, HIM, AND THE YOUNG’UNS, AND WE WOULDN’T COME HOME UNTIL WE FOUND JUST THE RIGHT ONE! BUT WE WOULDN’T CHOP IT DOWN, NO SIREE. WE’D TASE IT DOWN! TOOK A BIT LONGER THAN AN AXE, BUT BY GUM, IT WAS WORTH IT, EVEN IF THE SHOCKMEISTER 3000 SINGED OFF ALLA THE DAD-GUM PINE NEEDLES.

THEN THE KIDDIES WOULD SET OUT SOME MILK AND COOKIES FOR SANTY CLAUS, PLUS HIS VERY OWN RED AND GREEN ZAPS-A-POPPIN 750. IT’S A GOOD WEAPON FOR THE OLDER FELLER; EASY TO USE BUT STILL GOTTA LOTTA KICK. I KNOW SANTA GETS INTO SOME ROUGH NEIGHBORHOODS AND A BODY CAN’T BE TOO CAREFUL. WOULDN’T WANT ALL THE GOOD BOYS N’ GIRLS TO BE DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE HE WASN’T SUFFICIENTLY ARMIN HIMSELF FOR ALL THE DANGERS OF THE MODERN URBAN LANDSCAPE, DAG NABBIT!

BUT MY FAVORITE PART OF CHRISTMAS CAME WHEN ALL MY YOUNG’UNS HAD LITTLE SHAVERS OF THEIR OWN, AND I GOTS TO SPOIL EM ALL EVERY YEAR. LORD, IT BROUGHT MY HEART SUCH JOY TO SEE THEIR FACES LIGHT UP WHEN THEY OPENED UP THEIR PRESENTS. AND IT BROUGHT ME EVEN MORE JOY TO SEE EM LIGHT UP EACH OTHER FACES WITH THOSE PRESENTS, THE LIL’ SIZZLER. PERFECT SIZE FOR LITTLE HANDS AND JUST ENOUGH KICK TO KEEP DOWN THE MONKEYSHINES!

TASER GRANDMA WISHES YOU AND YOUR’N ALL THE BEST THIS HOLIDAY SEASON! MAY THE COMIN YEAR BRING US ALL PEACE AND GOOD WILL. AND IF IT DON’T, MAY IT BRING US ALL OUR VERY OWN FLESHWRANGLER 5000, CUZ THAT BABY CAN GELD A PRIZE STALLION AT 800 YARDS! IF SOMEONE CUTS IN FRONT OF YOU AT THE OL FIVE AND DIME, THAT’LL LEARN EM!

Holiday Triumphs: Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas

No Holiday Horrors today. Why? Because it’s Christmas Eve! And I don’t wanna miss out on presents from Santa cause I was naughty and mocking Neil Diamond again.

One of my favorite holiday traditions is to watch the “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 as many times as possible. If you want an entry point to this wonderful, wonderful show, watch this episode around the holidays and thou shalt be hooked. It starts off on a high note, with the robots telling Joel what they want for Christmas (Tom Servo wants “a Ted Williams signature inflatable bathtub pillow” and Crow wants “to decide who lives and who dies”), and just keeps going up from there.

This episode has many highlights, but if I had to pick one, it would be Crow’s stirring new Christmas carol, “Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas”, inspired by his love of the movie Roadhouse. It is probably the only Christmas carol to include an action sequence, unless you count that one deleted verse of “White Christmas”. (Irving Berlin thought it’d be fun to have a few lyrics where the singer karate chopped guys in the junk, but Bing Crosby wasn’t into it.)

Sadly, the real Dalton passed away earlier this year, which makes this song so much more poignant. But where he’s gone, pain don’t hurt. And really, he hasn’t gone anywhere! Dalton is still ripping dude’s throats out–in our hearts.

Holiday Triumphs: Christmas Songs of Righteousness

Just to prove to everyone that I don’t hate every Christmas song in existence. Links for handy download, too (where I had ’em), in case you wanna make yourself a hot holiday mix. And if you wanna DL the whole batch in one fell swoop, click here.

The Ramones, “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Wanna Fight Tonight)”

Slade, “Merry Xmas Everybody”

The Pogues, “Fairytale of New York”

Bonus! Ted Leo performing “Fairytale of New York”, live on WFMU, 2007 (with the dirty bits chopped out).

Bonus bonus! For you socialists out there, Billy Bragg performing “Fairytale of New York” live on the BBC.
Continue reading Holiday Triumphs: Christmas Songs of Righteousness