Tag Archives: holiday horrors

Seasonal Fare

Season’s Greetings from Taser Grandma

This year, I’d like to once again present a Holiday Horror and/or Holiday Triumph for each day in December leading up to Christmas. But I’ve gained a larger readership since last Yuletide, and that means increased bandwidth and more overtime for the guys down in the archival warehouse. (Frank, Tony, Carmine, Joey, and Fran do good job, they really do.)

So reluctantly, I’ve had to take on some outside sponsors to make this year’s Holiday Horrors/Triumphs possible. But I want all of you know that I’d never take on a sponsor that might compromise or bring shame to this site. In that spirit, I present my first holiday sponsor, Taser Grandma, America’s oldest and most lovable taser salesperson, who you can follow on Twitter here.

Thumbnail image for tasergramma.jpgSEASON’S GREETINS TO ONE AND ALL! TASER GRANDMA HERE, REMINDIN YOU THAT TASERS MAKE GREAT STOCKIN STUFFERS! BUT MAKE SURE THE STOCKINS ARE RUBBER OR SOME OTHER INSULATED MATERIAL. OTHERWISE YOU MIGHT GET BOUT 9000 VOLTS OF HOLIDAY CHEER!

WHEN I THINK OF THIS TIME O’ YEAR, I REMEMBER GOIN OUT WITH TASER GRAMPA TO PICKS US UP THE OL’ FAMILY CHRISTMAS TREE. WE’D HIKE OUT INTO THE WOODS, JUST ME, HIM, AND THE YOUNG’UNS, AND WE WOULDN’T COME HOME UNTIL WE FOUND JUST THE RIGHT ONE! BUT WE WOULDN’T CHOP IT DOWN, NO SIREE. WE’D TASE IT DOWN! TOOK A BIT LONGER THAN AN AXE, BUT BY GUM, IT WAS WORTH IT, EVEN IF THE SHOCKMEISTER 3000 SINGED OFF ALLA THE DAD-GUM PINE NEEDLES.

THEN THE KIDDIES WOULD SET OUT SOME MILK AND COOKIES FOR SANTY CLAUS, PLUS HIS VERY OWN RED AND GREEN ZAPS-A-POPPIN 750. IT’S A GOOD WEAPON FOR THE OLDER FELLER; EASY TO USE BUT STILL GOTTA LOTTA KICK. I KNOW SANTA GETS INTO SOME ROUGH NEIGHBORHOODS AND A BODY CAN’T BE TOO CAREFUL. WOULDN’T WANT ALL THE GOOD BOYS N’ GIRLS TO BE DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE HE WASN’T SUFFICIENTLY ARMIN HIMSELF FOR ALL THE DANGERS OF THE MODERN URBAN LANDSCAPE, DAG NABBIT!

BUT MY FAVORITE PART OF CHRISTMAS CAME WHEN ALL MY YOUNG’UNS HAD LITTLE SHAVERS OF THEIR OWN, AND I GOTS TO SPOIL EM ALL EVERY YEAR. LORD, IT BROUGHT MY HEART SUCH JOY TO SEE THEIR FACES LIGHT UP WHEN THEY OPENED UP THEIR PRESENTS. AND IT BROUGHT ME EVEN MORE JOY TO SEE EM LIGHT UP EACH OTHER FACES WITH THOSE PRESENTS, THE LIL’ SIZZLER. PERFECT SIZE FOR LITTLE HANDS AND JUST ENOUGH KICK TO KEEP DOWN THE MONKEYSHINES!

TASER GRANDMA WISHES YOU AND YOUR’N ALL THE BEST THIS HOLIDAY SEASON! MAY THE COMIN YEAR BRING US ALL PEACE AND GOOD WILL. AND IF IT DON’T, MAY IT BRING US ALL OUR VERY OWN FLESHWRANGLER 5000, CUZ THAT BABY CAN GELD A PRIZE STALLION AT 800 YARDS! IF SOMEONE CUTS IN FRONT OF YOU AT THE OL FIVE AND DIME, THAT’LL LEARN EM!

Holiday Horrors 2009

Holiday Horrors: Christmas Cigarette Ads of Yesteryear

Earlier this week, James Urbaniak tweeted a link to this Christmastime horror from the 1950s: gift-cartons of cigarettes from Camel!

I’m not anti-smoking per se; I think everyone should be allowed to go to hell with themselves in the manner of their choosing, so long as it doesn’t abjectly affect those around them. Even so, to the modern eye this sort of ad reeks of strangeness.

Also, cigarettes were pretty cheap back then. So wouldn’t giving cigarettes be like giving someone socks, or a box of pencils? “Wow, Camels. These are like 50 cents a pack. Thanks a lot.”

Naturally, this ad piqued my curiosity. Were Christmas-themed cigarettes common back then, or was Camel the only cigarette company to go in such a direction? The answer is, no, they definitely were not the only company to suggest cigarettes for Christmas and create festive packaging for just this purpose (with a gift card built right in!). But Camel was one of the few to actually enlist The Big Man himself in their effort.

Here’s a similar ad for Lucky Strike from around the same time, with some bonus print ads extolling the virtues of giving cigarettes as Christmas presents. Remember, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco! So round, so firm, so fully packed, as my grampa used to say (though not in reference to cigarettes…).

Celebrities got into the act, too. Here’s an ad for Kent cigarettes featuring one-third of the cast of The Dick Van Dyke Show.

Holiday Horrors 2009

Holiday Horrors: The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)

For other Holiday Horrors posts, click here.

The Chipmunks are one of those things I still don’t quite get. Who let them happen? Even before the terrible movies of the 00s, and the not-very-good cartoon of the 80s (which I saw every single episode of five times), how did they start in the first place?

Fifty years ago, there were no songs where grown men sped up their voices. Then, Ross Bagdasarian realized that (a) he could do this, and (b) it sounded kinda funny to him and not at all like scraping styrofoam on a chalkboard.

Shouldn’t the public have rebelled against this idea when it was first presented to them? “Hold on a second. Why do we want this? And why exactly is a 40-year-old man’s voice all sped up supposed to sound like a chipmunk? And why are they singing about Christmas? And why is he always screaming at them? What’s his problem?”

My theory is because Bagdasarian slowly acclimated people to this horror by releasing another “speedy voice” song, “The Witch Doctor”. That song only used fast vocals in the chorus and became a number 1 hit, so it deadened the public’s ears to the monstrosity he would unleash upon them during the holiday season.

Still, shouldn’t someone have realized how hideous this was? Especially when the Chipmunks “appeared” on The Ed Sullivan Show to “sing” the song in the form of creepy puppets, as you can see here (speed ahead to about 2:30, unless you want to see some bad Alvin imitations of classic artists and/or The Fresh Prince).

Then again, I don’t want my kids blaming me for terrible things that happened during my adulthood. I’m guessing the list would start with either the Iraq war or Crazy Frog. So let us pull triumph from horror and watch yet another Patton Oswalt “video”, as he talks about the joys of playing this song on a record player v e r y   s l o w l y .