Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year–with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.
I got caught up in Christmas each year as a little kid, as most little kids do. Putting up the tree, decorating the house, pulling out my collection of Christmas LPs. My favorite was the Sesame Street Christmas Album, and ironically, my favorite tune on that record was Oscar the Grouch singing “I Hate Christmas”. I also recall a Disney Christmas album, though I can’t remember much of its content, except a version of “The 12 Days of Christmas” where Goofy kept singing “five…onion rings! hyuk!” (Learning disabilities are funny!)
But obviously, the presents were the biggest reason I loved Christmas. I didn’t just get stuff as a matter of course as a kid, mostly because my immediate family didn’t have enough dough to get stuff with. So Christmas brought the promise of a decent haul of toys, and at least one Big Thing for me and my brothers to share.
The biggest one of all came when, after lusting after it for years, I finally got an Atari. I can still remember two of my uncles hooking it up to our TV, and then testing it out, and then playing with it for far too long, or what felt like far too long to me, because I thought my head might explode if I had to wait any longer to use it.
When you don’t get many toys for a good chunk of the year, the stakes for Christmas are raised to a ridiculous height. You want EVERYTHING right then, because you know if you don’t get it, you’re SOL for the rest of the year. So even though I wasn’t a greedy or ungrateful kid (at least I like to think I wasn’t), I could get carried away at Christmastime. Which I definitely did one fateful December 25. Continue reading Holiday Horrors: The Year I Destroyed Christmas→
Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year–with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.
Local ads have all but disappeared from the landscape, particularly in the New York area. I don’t know if this is because of skyrocketing ad rates, the rise of cable, or the death of small local businesses in general, but other than the occasional car dealership spot, almost all commercials you see on TV days are nationally produced for national chains.
That’s a shame, because I miss local ads. They were usually the product of one man’s vision, and that vision was almost always askew. Because in most cases, the ads were created by the owner. He pulled himself up by his bootstraps, he did, and built the largest chain of wig supply stores in all of Queens! And he’ll be damned if some college boy is gonna make his ad for him!
In New York in the 1980s, the king of local ads was undeniably Crazy Eddie, a chain of electronics stores. Why? Because his prices were INSANNNNNNNE! And so were his ADSSSSSSSSSS!
Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year–with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.
Yesterday, in my post about the puke-tacular He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special, I wrote about how you shouldn’t let nostalgia cloud your judgment about the true quality of beloved items from your childhood. There is no such danger with today’s Holiday Horror, because even in my less discriminating youth, I knew it was garbage.
Like many folks of my generation, I loved Nintendo. Scratch that, I didn’t just love Nintendo, I believed in Nintendo. If I added up all the hours I spent playing it as a kid–assuming there are machines powerful enough to make such calculations–I would probably have to kill myself once I learned how much time I wasted.
One of the main tenets of Nintendoism holds that Mario is awesome, no matter what he does. Therefore, when a cartoon show debuted called The Super Mario Brothers Super Show, naturally I had to watch it. I eagerly anticipated its arrival, but once I actually watched the thing, I felt that horrible Kid Feeling of being gypped by adults. This show was nothing short of an unmitigated disaster.
My first tip-off should have been the fact that it was called The Super Mario Brothers Super Show. In retrospect, that is a painfully stupid name, and indicates the amount of care and thought that went into the whole enterprise.
Do you remember another Nintendo-themed cartoon called Captain N? That was pretty awful (except for the choice to make Mother Brain sound like Little Richard, which was insane). But compared to The Super Mario Brothers Super Show, Captain N was The Wire.
It would’ve been bad enough just as a cartoon. The animation was terrible, and the plots about as threadbare as you might expect from a show based on a video game. Its only redeeming feature–if it can be called that–was that the music and many of the sound effects were taken from the real Mario games. Such a minor detail being its best feature–one that might be noticeable to only the fanniest of fanboys–should indicate how bad the rest of it is.
But the show wasn’t just a cartoon. For some reason, there were also live action sequences with the Mario Brothers engaging in sub-Bowery Boys-level comedy, on sets that make Steampipe Alley look like Barry Lyndon. And in case you thought anyone involved would escape with any dignity, the producers added a laugh track that ironically punctuates just how unfunny the whole thing is.
Mario himself was played by legendary wrestling figure Capt. Lou Albano, who was a ubiquitous figure in the 1980s thanks to his contributions to rubber-band-based fashion. He was not, however, a very good actor. Then again, Laurence Olivier couldn’t have done anything with this material. (Although I wish he would’ve tried; it would’ve resulted in a hilariously scenery-chewing Jazz Singer-esque performance.)
Like every other cartoon ever made, The Super Mario Brothers Super Show had a special Christmas episode, “Koopa Claus”. Truth be told, this installment is not any worse than any other. But all those other episodes didn’t try to drag down the Yuletide with it, so this one gets an extra large lump of coal in its stocking.
After a title sequence “rap” so cringe-worthy it will make your teeth hurt, the Mario Brothers’ enjoyment of boxing is interrupted by a kid with a suitcase (who I’m pretty sure is the youngest kid from Family Ties who aged five years in one off-season). He wants to run away from home because his parents don’t love him anymore. Being responsible Italian stereotypes, the Mario Brothers try to talk this wayward child off the fence while their cartoon unfolds.
What happens in the cartoon? Does it matter? Even if you’ve never seen it, you could probably relate what happens just as well as I. The Mario Brothers, The Princess, and Toad wind up near the North Pole just as King Koopa kidnaps Santa and tries to ruin Christmas. Like every other villain ever, he hates Christmas, presents, and goodness of all kinds, and he keeps saying “Bah, Koop-bug” as if this makes any goddamn sense whatsoever.
Enemies from the games try to defeat the Mario Brothers, to no avail, and King Koopa’s evil plans are thwarted by the power of Christmas spirit. When you subtract the live action segments, the cartoon probably clocks in at 12 minutes, and yet it feels like nine years have passed. While waiting for this garbage to end, I swear I grew a beard.
With that unpleasantness over, we return to the hilarious live action antics of the Mario Brothers, which include a flashback to Mario and Luigi’s feckless youth, when they wore propeller beanies and didn’t want to help their mother peel garlic. Only color film and an audible soundtrack tell you that this wasn’t produced in 1917. You would not be the least surprised to see a Keystone Kop hit a huge fat lady with a cream pie.
Stick around for the end credits to learn how to do The Mario. If you can’t wait that long, here’s how: Swing your arms from side to side, then step once, and then again. That’s it. Words can not express how truly uncomfortable this song made me as a kid. It made me feel bad for whoever was involved in writing it, performing it, and, in a small way, for the entire human race.
If you love Mario, download the old games for your Wii. Do not watch this Christmas special, or any other episode of The Super Mario Brothers Super Show. It does not even qualify for so-bad-it’s-good status, and the live action segments are so old timey and weirdly racist against Italians, I think they were written by vaudevillian Klansmen.
I got caught up in Christmas each year as a little kid, as most little kids do. Putting up the tree, decorating the house, pulling out my collection of Christmas LPs. My favorite was the Sesame Street Christmas Album, and ironically, my favorite tune on that record was Oscar the Grouch singing “I Hate Christmas”. I also recall a Disney Christmas album, though I can’t remember much of its content, except a version of “The 12 Days of Christmas” where Goofy kept singing “five…onion rings! hyuk!” (Learning disabilities are funny!)
