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Holiday Horrors 2010

Holiday Horrors: Hyundai Christmas Ads

Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year–with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.

Admittedly, I am stretching the definition of “horrors” pretty wide for today’s entry. This is more like a petty annoyance. A very petty one, in fact. But I wouldn’t want to live in a world where I wasn’t allowed to be petty now and then.

The subjects of my ire are the Hyundai ads with a twee musical couple called Pomplamoose (seriously?) doing precious renditions of holiday songs. They’re a poor man’s version of She and Him. If you think Belle and Sebastian is a bit too macho, this is the group for you.

Is there holiday stuff out there worse than this? Of course, much, much worse. But the cutesy quality of this is song is so grating, it’s like being bludgeoned with marshmallow Peeps. It’s so fey and convinced of its own cleverness, it’s like a New York Times subscription ad turned into music. I find it uncomfortable and annoying, but in a really gentle way, like being softly tickled by someone I don’t like while stuffed in a Whole Foods tote bag.

And it’s forcing me to stretch my Simile Powers to their breaking points. So boo, Hyundai. Be gone, and never darken my towels again.

Holiday Horrors 2010

Holiday Horrors: “Rock n Roll Santa”

Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year–with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.

We live in the golden age of the Local Kook. Once upon a time, if there was some wacky eccentric in your town, he or she would toil away in tin-foil-hatted obscurity. But nowadays, even the most obscure nuts can make it big on the interwebs.

One such example: Jan Terri, a Windy City resident who fancies herself a songwriter and performer. She also makes videos for these songs. Really bad videos, apparently shot on a camcorder. Said videos became something of an internet sensation a few years back, and she has many online devotees, some of them unironic ones.

She has more range than her fellow Chicagoan, Wesley Willis, but a similarly myopic view of the world. All of her videos are padded out with odd, seemingly endless shots of random buildings. She films herself on location for no discernible reason. And the videos are edited about as well as camcorder footage can be edited, which is to say, hatchet-like.

Among her many oeuvres is a Christmas tune called “Rock n Roll Santa.” Truth be told, this is not a bad song, musically. You will hear much, much worse tunes at the mall during the holidays. Unfotunately, Ms. Terri is not a gifted lyricist, or a singer. In penning verses, she’s closer to the aforementioned Mr. Willis than Ira Gershwin. In voice, too, sadly. I don’t know if Ira could carry tune, but he’d have to be better than Terri, since virtually everyone is.

I struggled over whether I should include this in the Holiday Horrors category. When it comes to found video stuff like this, I always wonder if mocking it says more about the mocker than the mockee. Clearly, Terri and her cohorts are having a blast making this video. Who am I to make fun of this, like I’m such a big shot? (Last sentence written by my mom.)

Ultimately, I decided that this could not go into the Holiday Triumphs because, at the end of the day, it’s too weird not to be some form of Horror. So in that spirit, here’s some horror!

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Holiday Horrors 2010

Holiday Horrors: The Worst Christmas Song Ever Explanation

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Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year–with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.

What’s worse than viral video fame? Trying to explain or capitalize on viral video fame. It’s some horrible ghetto of actual fame, where there’s nothing but tenements and liquor stores, and all the Chinese takeout joints have bulletproof glass and caroussels.

About three years ago, someone posted a video on YouTube that billed itself “the worst version ever” of “O Holy Night.” Listen to it and it’s hard to disagree.

This rendition of the classic hymn quickly achieved Grape Stomp Lady-levels of internet infamy, with people posting their own videos of themselves lip syncing it and even playing it on the radio as a joke.

Well, it turns out the person who performed this song was unhappy. Not that he was being made fun of, but that he wasn’t getting credit for his work. So he posted his own YouTube video to prove it was him. The man’s name is Steve Mauldin, and he had arranged “O Holy Night” for a church group.

In this video, he goes to very long, very earnest lengths to prove his bona fides, and to also insinuate that he’d done the original song in jest. I believe this about as much I believe Tommy Wiseau when he says he meant The Room to be a comedy.

Watching Mr. Mauldin’s video, I’m struck by what Fame can do to people. Being known for this song is fame the way McRibs are food, and Mr. Mauldin does not seem at all like the kind of person who’d even aspire to notoriety. And yet, when confronted with the choice between remaining anonymous or known for singing the worst Christmas song ever, he chose “fame.” And if this earnest, humble man can be so easily corrupted, whither goest us?